Episode #138 - Eduardo Briceño on The Performance Paradox

Shownotes:

Are you stuck in performance mode—and calling it growth?

In this episode, Eduardo Briceño unpacks The Performance Paradox—and what’s keeping so many of us from actually getting better.

We talk about the key mindset shift high achievers need, why not all mistakes are created equal, and how to lead with both humility and ambition.

If you want to grow on purpose—not just perform—this one’s for you.

🎧 Tune in and break the cycle.

Thrive Global Article:

About Our Guest:

Eduardo Briceño is a global keynote speaker and facilitator who guides many of the world’s leading companies in developing cultures of continuous improvement, innovation, and high performance. His TED talk, “How To Get Better At The Things You Care About,” and his TEDx talk, “The Power of Belief,” have been viewed more than ten million times. His book, The Performance Paradox: Turning the Power of Mindset into Action, won multiple awards. His work has been featured in Harvard Business Review, Big Think, Business Insider, Entrepreneur, Fast Company, Forbes, Inc., Quartz, and others.

Earlier in his career, Eduardo was the co-founder and CEO of Mindset Works, the pioneer in growth mindset development services, which he started with Stanford professor Carol Dweck and which he led for over a decade. Prior to that, he was a venture capital investor with the Sprout Group and served on several for-profit and non-profit boards. Before that, he was an investment banking analyst with Credit Suisse. He is a Pahara-Aspen Fellow, a member of the Aspen Institute’s Global Leadership Network, and an inductee in the Happiness Hall of Fame.

Originally from Caracas, Venezuela, Eduardo holds bachelor’s degrees in economics and engineering from the University of Pennsylvania, as well as an MBA and M.A. in education from Stanford University. Most importantly, he continues to enjoy lifelong learning every day.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

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Transcript:

[00:01:52] Lainie Rowell: Well Eduardo, welcome to the podcast. So happy to have you here.

[00:01:56] Eduardo Briceño: Great to be here. Thank you, Lainey.

[00:01:58] Lainie Rowell: I mean, there's a lot I could talk to you about and we will, and I'm just a little nervous that I probably overplan for this. I wanna jump in right away with a big idea- let's talk about the performance paradox and why high achievers and high performers don't even realize that this is happening.

[00:02:17] Eduardo Briceño: Sure. Well, so this was happening to me for a long time, and it's still to some extent, and I just see it a lot which is often we have a vague sense that in order to succeed and in order to improve what we have to do is to work hard just to like work really hard.

That's what we're supposed to do, and that's when it's gonna get us to growth and to success. And what I found. We are sometimes not clear on is that that is not the case because the reality is that there's two different forms of hard work. There's hard work to perform and to execute to get things done, as best as we know how, trying to minimize mistakes.

That's what I call the performance zone. And it's really important and it has an important value in our lives, but there's also effort to improve, right? And that's very different. That's what I call the learning zone, and that involves leaping beyond the known it involves doing things that we haven't done before, like doing things that might or might not work, and using strategies that are designed for learning and for innovation rather than for performance and execution.

And both of those things have a place in our lives and our teams and organizations. But just being more deliberate about how we're creating structures and habits in order to engage in both is something that I find the people I serve and that certainly I have benefited from kind of thinking and working on.

You asked about performance paradox. That's the kind of counterintuitive reality that if we're constantly performing and that's all we're doing, our performance suffers. Actually our performance is fine for the immediate term. Like if we wanna maximize our immediate performance, the performance zone is fine, but then we stagnate, right?

We stay at that level as opposed to getting better over time and getting higher performance over time.

[00:03:57] Lainie Rowell: So you really need to be going between these two forms of hard work. They're both hard work, but they're different and we have to be. Intentional, or maybe the right word is strategic about when we're in which form.

Is that fair to say?

[00:04:13] Eduardo Briceño: Absolutely. Yeah. And we can think about them and it does definitely work as alternating between the two. Like for example, in a sports team, when you are in a game, you'll put your best foot forward trying to minimize mistakes. But then in practice you might work on your weaknesses or you might try something that that is you haven't done before, that might lead to mistakes. And, and that's practice. That's the learning zone. But we can also think about integrating these two in what I call learning while doing. Sometimes people are familiar with this term learning by doing, which is fine, it's just, it can be confusing, because if in order to learn, we don't just do, we don't really learn just by doing.

We can learn by doing if we're intentional about how to do in a way that's gonna lead to both learning and performing. So that's why I like to use the term learning while doing which involves doing things differently, trying every things, asking more questions, experimenting more, and we can both get things done and improve over time if we do it intentionally.

[00:05:08] Lainie Rowell: And that really gives us the permission to not be performing at our ultimate right. It like gives us that permission to make mistakes and to know we're growing, right?

[00:05:19] Eduardo Briceño: Absolutely. Yeah. And that I think permission to not be perfect and not be flawless is really important because the idea of perfection is a fixed mindset idea, is the idea that we can't further improve.

And if we have this sense that I can't get better, I just have to be perfect, then that creates a lot of pressure, which equates anxiety, which lowers our performance. It also makes us kind of wanna look good, so hide our uncertainties, hide our questions, and all of that kind of impairs both our learning and our performing.

[00:05:52] Lainie Rowell: This just brings me to how you and I connected, which was your first TEDx talk, which you've done more talks since then, which is so exciting, and I just remember being so excited. I was honored to be ahead of you and very grateful to not be after you, you are not to be followed. You are such a force.

And that brings me to what you were talking about then 13 years ago growth mindset. And you are the co-founder of Mindset Works with Carol Dweck, which a lot of people know for growth mindset. We know you for it too. And so how does this tie to that work? Is it building on growth mindset?

Is that fair to say?

[00:06:33] Eduardo Briceño: It is fair to say, and first of all, like, it's so fun that, I met you when we both did a TEDx talk and your talk was amazing too. And at the time you were talking about technology and connecting kids across distance and those things were, you know, just emerging at the time.

And, it was so fun to have that shared experience together and then to reconnect. But yeah, so the work of the learnings zone the performance zone, definitely built on growth mindset and fixed mindset. And so first, like what is growth mindset? When we ask people what a growth mindset is, we often get lots of different answers.

Like it is working hard or is praising effort or it is experimenting and a growth mindset is none of those things. A growth mindset is not persevering. It is a belief about the nature of human beings, specifically is the belief that we can change, that we can develop over time, our abilities or our qualities.

And the reason that's important is that lots of psychology, research and other research has shown that when we see ourselves as work in progress as people who can continue to shape ourselves and evolve ourselves, not just our teams, organizations, our products, but ourselves, then that helps us become more effective learners.

But a growth mindset is necessary, but not sufficient. Just believing that I can improve doesn't make me a great learner because if I don't know how to improve, I might just try hard and try to do everything perfectly, for example, and we can always get better at learning how learning happens and how we can become better learners.

And that's where the learning zone and performance zone comes in is that's a foundation of understanding. Okay. There's a world of strategies that we can use for performing and for learning, and I can always continue to get better and at understanding them and at implementing them in our lives. And so it's about how do I improve?

It's really important, not just the belief that I can improve.

[00:08:20] Lainie Rowell: I love that you said necessary but not sufficient. And also I think you articulated really, really well the idea of growth mindset is this belief about human nature. And that's really interesting to me, especially, returning to my psychology roots.

And if you look at. Dr. Marty Seligman and the positive psychology movement, I mean, that came about because of a shift that we can improve. We're not fixed. And so that's a real connection. And I think about just in education, how we're really trying to make sure that kids have a growth mindset. But that's, that's the floor, not the ceiling.

Right? That's like essential. And then we also have to do this.

[00:09:03] Eduardo Briceño: Absolutely. Yeah. It's a floor, not the ceiling. I agree. You know, growth mindset is, in a way a beginning of learning. It invites us and enables us to make choices about going on a learning journey. And if we want kids to thrive and to continue to develop a growth mindset and to, you know develop interest and develop great learning habits and grow. We also need to go on the journey ourselves as educators, as adults, as parents of, you know, how can I become a more effective parent and educator and continue to grow and model that and be in collaboration with them.

[00:09:37] Lainie Rowell: So we see that in you know, these spaces of pressure where it's like, whether we're talking about education or maybe it's healthcare or the just corporate workforce, wherever it is, like we're constantly under this pressure to perform, but we really do have to spend time in that learning zone to improve, not just in the performance zone.

How do you help people kind of break that cycle and make that space for improvement?

[00:10:05] Eduardo Briceño: First, I think one thing we can work about is awareness. So like you're saying, there's all this pressure to perform. I think that's true. So why does that happen? One reason it happens is because and you know, this is like the present bias, right?

One of our cognitive bias is to overvalue the present and the immediate protification, the immediate reward and undervalue the future, and the learning zone is an investment in the future. I mean, it's also really fun to explore and to discover, and the learning process can be amazing and it is, for me, an amazing part of life that makes life richer.

But if we're thinking about performance metrics like grades or mastering a skill or improving sales or customer satisfaction, in our work, a learning zone is an investment in helping us improve those performance metrics in the future. And so when we just focus on how can we maximize my results this week or this quarter, then that leads us to just perform.

That's one reason. And then there's a lot of kind of systems in society that lead us to pay attention to the metrics and to the short term performance. And one of the reasons is that it's easier to measure kind of the numbers and the performance and the results. And so that's something that draws us to it.

And then, you know, lots of kind of systems in society that that draws to that. So one is awareness of like reflection of these tendency to get to performance. And then we can think about how do we, like you're saying, how do we build more learning zone in our lives. So first of all, we can ask ourselves if, if we think about is my balance of learning zone performance zone, does it feel right?

One way to think about that is to think about our highest level goals. What do I care most about? What do I wanna get better at, at a high level? And to that we can ask like, why, why, why, why? Like, why do I care? Why is this important? That gets us to the high level goals. And then thinking about,

is it to get to this high level goal, and especially in the longer term, not the immediate term, like in a year, in five years. Does my mix of learning zone performance zone feel right right now? Or is some people are overindex on the learning zone, they realize, but most people tend to overindex on the performance zone.

And then if we want more learning zone, we can for ourselves, we can work on systems and habits. So for example, if I wanna do more regular reflection, I can have a recurring calendar appointment where I make some time to myself with some questions to reflect on. If we are doing a team meeting, we can think about the agenda.

Often the agenda in team meetings are all performance oriented about what do we need to get done by when. And those are really important things. But maybe some teams might have in the agenda a section of the agenda where it's about what have we learned recently that our colleagues could benefit from?

Or what am I trying to, some activity about what am I trying to improve and how can my colleagues support me in that? So how do we change our conversations by changing the structures that kind of performance appraisal through the things we do once a quarter. And for leaders, you know, it's also important to think about how do we frame what we do together when we're in collaboration is part of what we do, working to learn and improve and support each other in our growth. And then regularly reinforcing that, right? When the behaviors that you want to celebrate happen, how do you celebrate them? How do we reward them? And then really important is like modeling, being a learner.

So if for parents, for example, are we just like asking our kids what they learned or are we also talking about what we're grappling with, what we're learning, what we're curious about, so that we're showing up as learners and not as knowers.

[00:13:49] Lainie Rowell: Oh my goodness. There were so many good things. I've got a lot of notes right here. I loved it all. One of the things I loved you said was adding to the agenda, the learning celebration, right? We get so focused in our time synchronously together on let's talk about the stuff that's directly related to performance, but when are we making that space to appreciate that people have stretched themselves, tried something new, and you know, obviously education has just really appreciated the growth mindset but yeah, we do tend to, especially as adults, I think over focus on the performance. And I really don't think the present bias that you mentioned gets enough attention. Thank you for bringing that up, because I do think we think we're working towards something in the future, but we're actually kind of stuck in just, this is what's gonna get me to the performance right now.

Instead of thinking about like, what would one year from now me be happy with, or even our team one year from now, be happiest with, right? Like, okay, we gotta step back and learn how we're going to get there. Not just keep doing the same thing over and over again.

[00:14:58] Eduardo Briceño: Yeah, I agree. I like the idea of kind of stepping back and thinking in a different way.

So we need to think on different ways, right? We can think about the immediate term and what are my goals for today? And that's really important too. But then making the space, like you said, to step back and think about, okay, how about like our strategy to get to some ambitious goals in a year or in five years.

Not just work goals, but also what I want my life to be like, who do I wanna be?

[00:15:22] Lainie Rowell: Because we just can't keep doing the exact same thing out of habit and what's working right now. It might not actually take us where we wanna go. I think it's really hard to embrace making mistakes. I don't know if that's something that just I struggle with, but it really is that we have to lean into being willing to make mistakes for the purpose of learning. How can we help people get past that?

[00:15:46] Eduardo Briceño: I think one challenge with mistakes is we're a little bit kind of schizophrenic about mistake, meaning, we might think sometimes that mistakes are good and we should do them more. And at other times we might think mistakes are bad, we wanna avoid them. They hurt performance.

And it's a little bit like unclear how to think about mistakes. So, it's helpful to think about different kinds of mistakes and there are actually some mistakes that we wanna be proactive about doing more of those are what I call the stretch mistakes. And we make stretch mistakes by trying things that may or may not work by leaping into a learning zone, by experimenting, and we wanna do those things when it's safe, when we're in a low stakes situation. So when things are high stakes, it's fine to go in the performance zone and to do the tried and true and what you think is not gonna lead to a mistake.

We can never be sure 'cause we're human. We live in a complex world. Sometimes we'll try to do something without mistakes and we'll make a mistake. So we need to be kind to ourselves and understand that everybody makes mistakes and we can learn from them. But you know, if you're in a high stakes situation, doing surgery on somebody, you don't wanna make a mistake, you wanna do your best.

But then when you're not in front of somebody, like how can you experiment with a different technique or try something different so that you can become a better surgeon? Right? So distinguishing the mistakes, the stretch mistakes we make in the learning zone. We want avoid high stakes mistakes in the performance zone.

And then there's two other kinds of mistakes, which are the sloppy mistakes, which are mistakes we've done in the past. We've already learned this lesson, and we're making the mistake again. Again, we wanna be kind with ourselves. Sometimes I find it's nice to just laugh about, sometimes it's just funny and we can just make light of it , and laugh together.

But also if it's important, we can reflect on what can I learn from, you know, I'm repeating this, so what can I change? Usually it's like my systems and my habits, my environment. So I can be maybe more focused, but what can I change? So I avoid this sloppy mistake in the future.

And the fourth kind of mistake is the aha moment mistake, which is when we are performing, we're not trying to make a mistake, but all of a sudden we realized we did something wrong or we did the wrong thing and we have an aha moment. Right. And that's super precious. It's not something that we're creating intentionally, like the stretch mistakes where we're experimenting, but it's something that happens all of a sudden.

It surprises us and what's important is to notice, reflect on it. 'cause we don't learn from mistakes. We learn from reflecting on mistakes. So we need to reflect on it and think about what can I learn from this and what can I change going forward as a result of it. And I think, you know, this is the example of kind of framing what it is that we want to be doing together. Like, do we wanna make mistakes? Well, you know, some kinds of mistakes we wanna do more of, some of them we might wanna do less of, but like framing and getting on the same page, getting aligned and then creating the systems and habits in order for that to happen.

[00:18:40] Lainie Rowell: I appreciate that you're very specific on, there's different types of mistakes and I think we can all relate to, like, I can think of a sloppy mistake I made this morning, like that doesn't take that long to think about. But these stretch mistakes that are low stakes, that when we reflect on we can really grow right.

[00:18:59] Eduardo Briceño: Yeah.

[00:19:00] Lainie Rowell: All of 'em give you opportunities for reflection.

[00:19:03] Eduardo Briceño: Absolutely. Yeah. Any mistake. Absolutely. All of them are opportunities for, for growth. Yeah.

[00:19:08] Lainie Rowell: So what can leaders do to kind of model this and hopefully cultivate this in their communities, whether it's workforce like in a corporate space or educators in a learning community. How do we model this , and I think some people might actually be worried about, does this undermine my credibility if I make these mistakes? Mm-hmm. So, so what do we do as leaders to model this?

[00:19:34] Eduardo Briceño: Yeah, sometimes people might feel it might undermine my credibility or it might portray me as not being confident of myself.

And so we need to work on our own mental models, and think about how do I make this fit my mental models or change my mental models for this to make sense? And you know, one way is to realize that the most skilled people in the world, they continue to experiment and to get better, right?

And to make mistakes and learn from mistakes and get better. So, for example, you know, we can think about somebody like Simone Biles, right? She's the best in the world at what she does, but the reason she's the best in the world is that during practice, she puts like foam blocks. You, you know, she, she tries new moves.

She experiments with new ways of doing the acrobatics, and she makes it safe. You know, she makes it a low stake setting. So she lands on foam blocks because she knows she's gonna be experimenting with some things that might or might not work. She's gonna' gonna require more tweaks and she doesn't want to get hurt.

But this doesn't make her less confident. It is rather than confidence that I know, and that I'm sure it's confidence in the process that gets us to success. It's like, okay, if I'm doing something ambitious, like I want, I. You know, all my kids to thrive in a classroom, or I want our team and our organization to create incredible products and services that will delight people and really change their lives.

I definitely don't have all the answers. That world's gonna change, and we're gonna need to learn from that and adapt. But I can be confident that if we do these behaviors, if we are customer centric, if we ask questions and we observe and we learn from that, we experiment, we share with each other ideas and, that's gonna make us stronger, that's gonna help us grow faster and improve our performance. And it is the people who can model those behaviors. That's actually a sign of confidence and of competence. And the challenge with that is that sometimes it is more difficult to engage in these behaviors when we're novices.

Like when we don't know that much. Mm-hmm. We might be scared of engaging in some behaviors because we feel like other people will see that we're novices and they might not value us, or they might think that we're not the right person for the team. And, and so this is a challenge is what I call the flywheel of competence, a flywheel is a wheel that is really heavy and so it's really hard to start turning.

But once you start turning because of inertia, , it keeps turning and if you put more effort into it, it turns faster and it just keeps turning and you put a little more effort into it over time and it goes faster and faster and faster. And it's hard to stop because of the inertia. And the more that we engage in the learning zone, the more we grow our skills and we grow more competent, and we can become more both competent and confident that we are effective learners and that we can perform well, and that enables us to better model learning and to lead learning, which makes us more effective leaders. And the acceleration just grows over time, right?

So sometimes it's hard to get started, but the more we do it and we can start in small ways, in less risky ways ideally in frequent ways that helps us kind of rewire our brains. But the more we do it, the easier it becomes over time and the more it becomes a, a habit.

[00:22:56] Lainie Rowell: I love the example of Simone Biles because we see her as a symbol of strength and definitely confidence and competence and the explanation that she's experimenting safely.

She's got the foam, she's doing it in a low stake setting, and I think that's really helpful because really it's courageous. But it's not reckless, right? She's not just going out and doing it on the floor in a way that she could actually truly injure herself. That would be really, really scary.

And so for us as leaders to model that, it shows that this is something courageous to do, not something that we need to be scared of, not something that's reckless. It's kind of right there in that sweet spot.

[00:23:45] Eduardo Briceño: Yes. And if we are in front of a really important client and a really important deal, like we can think about is there safety here or do we just wanna perform?

And either answer's fine, but we can go into that meeting more deliberate about where do I wanna be? Do I wanna be experimenting in big ways or small ways, or do I just wanna try to get the deal like, and we can be more intentional.

[00:24:08] Lainie Rowell: I love it. We had a chance to talk before we hit record. And you mentioned that there's something near and dear to my heart that is also a very important part of your life. Could you tell me how gratitude fits into your life?

[00:24:20] Eduardo Briceño: Absolutely. Yeah.

So I once went through like a core life crisis and I became really sick, and that's what led me to pivot and get into this work eventually. But one of the things I did is I read a book by a Dalai Lama called The Art of Happiness. And coming out of that, I had a lot of insights, but one of 'em was just the importance of gratitude.

And so for me. My most important habit in my life is, is the morning habit. It's the first thing I do every day, and that's because. Nothing has distracted me. Right. I can be most proactive. I always have the same cue every day, which is waking up and I can be intentional about how I show up and how I want to live if I'm not doing it reactively based on emails or, you know, social media or news.

But the very, very first thing that I do every day when I wake up and I decide I'm gonna get outta bed is I just, you know, get in my back and I just. I express gratitude to the things that I deem most important, which is kind of life, health, love, and peace. And so I pay attention to, I see each of those things as a, a glass, partly full.

You know, there's life, but there's also death. There's peace, but there's also conflict. And both because of our psychology and because of the systems in the world, our attention tends to be drawn to the negative, to the threat, you know, to the bad things happening. So I wanna be intentional about paying attention to A, what's most important, and B, what's good about those things? What is there, what is present? And I find that's the most important habit for me because it puts me in like an emotional state where I can make the most of life. And also it's an emotional state where that also lends itself to kind of learning and performing.

But it's just the experience of life is really kind of primed each day by that first habit of the day. So I, I really value gratitude and thank you for your important work on that.

[00:26:09] Lainie Rowell: Oh, you're very kind and I appreciate that. I do see that as a great way to ground yourself and start the day and as you're telling how we get shifted throughout the day.

We're in a meeting and there's an energy or maybe someone says something, not that they necessarily mean anything by it, but it still impacts us. We perceive it a certain way. And so when we start with that intentionality of these are the things that are good in the world, in my life. I think that's a really beautiful practice and obviously it means a lot to me.

So I know some people end the day with it, start the day with it, whatever works best for you. But I do think there is a lot of value in starting the day with it. 'cause that just kind of sets the tone for the whole day. So thank you for sharing that.

[00:26:52] Eduardo Briceño: Yeah, sure. And it also, for me, it's like sometimes we might get wrapped up in other things that are less important, like, you know, money or earthly success, whatever that is like, and so just that helps put everything in perspective as well.

[00:27:09] Lainie Rowell: I appreciate that. Thank you so much for sharing that. Now my second to last question for you, Eduardo, is what is something you haven't had a chance to share yet, or something you can't share enough? And it could be in our conversation here, or it could be just in general, out in the world. Like you would scream this from rooftops. It's so important.

[00:27:29] Eduardo Briceño: You know, something that I have learned a lot and been thinking a lot about over the last year after I wrote my book was, is kind of the concept of yin yang and the concept of there's opposing but complimentary forces that we wanna have in harmony and have the right balance of. I just see it everywhere and it's, it's something that, you know, sometimes we tend to think about things as binary.

Like it's either this or this, and it's often both. And actually this came up because. I was asked to write the preface for the Chinese edition of my book. And and so I asked ChatGPT for ideas on what I could talk about in that preface that that connected with Chinese history and context. And one of the ideas that ChatGPT came up with, which I loved, was this philosophy of yin yang of the learning zone in the performance zone being opposing, but complimentary forces that we need to build harmony and they're both, you know, and so that is so true. And, and then I see it so much on so many other levels. And so one other level that I've seen recently as an example, is I've started to hear a lot more need from the organizations I serve to help their people cope with anxiety from all the instability in the world, right?

Everything that's happening. So my work, traditionally I talk about kinda change and growth and that's is growth mindset and learning zone is all about that. But I've started to also talk more about kind of stability and our need for stability. So if you think about Yin Yang, there is our need for change and progress and evolution, but there's also a need for stability and what doesn't change. And safety in terms of knowing what we can expect from one another. And I think that's something also to notice is just how can we create whether it is habits or values or understanding and how we communicate what we can expect from one another.

So what we can create that safety and and stability for us to then also take risks and grow.

[00:29:38] Lainie Rowell: Yeah, I, I appreciate that. I also, as you, as you're talking about stability, I'm also thinking about like, I guess if stability was the yin, the yang would be like uncertainty. It's like they both exist and how can you kind of find the balance of leaning into each of them?

I don't know if that makes any sense, but

[00:29:57] Eduardo Briceño: Yeah, I agree. And what that makes me think about is that on stability and uncertainty can also generate kind of curiosity and going on an exploration that it can be interesting and fulfilling and something that is not. We don't need to control everything in our lives.

We can be in collaboration with other people and with the environment, with the world in a way that makes life more interesting and fulfilling.

[00:30:26] Lainie Rowell: Yeah. That impermanence of it's going to continue to change, right? The only thing that's certain is change. So yes, leaning into that, oh my goodness, this has been so much wisdom.

I'm so excited to get this out there, and I know that people are gonna wanna learn more from you, so what are the best ways to connect with you? And of course they definitely need to go out, get The Performance Paradox like right now. You can even pause and then come back and listen to the rest of us talking, but definitely go out and get your book. What are other ways they should connect with you?

[00:30:55] Eduardo Briceño: I'm most active in LinkedIn, so I invite people to connect with me there and be in conversation with me there. And in addition to the book, if people want, they can download a PDF with five tips to foster a growth mindset from my website, which is briceno.com. So it's briceno.com.

I have a monthly newsletter if people are interested in continuing to learn about growth mindset and the learning zone.

[00:31:16] Lainie Rowell: I'm gonna put links to all of that in the show notes because I know people are gonna wanna keep learning from you. I mean, the body of work you've put out there is so impressive. It's very inspiring to me and to many and I just, I thank you so much for this time.

When you said yes to this, I was like, oh my gosh, I get to talk to him again. I get to talk to Eduardo and learn from him some more. So I very much appreciate this time.

[00:31:39] Eduardo Briceño: Thank you, Lainie. I appreciate you and everything you do and I'm so glad that we reconnected. So thank you so much for that.

[00:31:45] Lainie Rowell: Oh, you're very kind and thank you all for listening.

If you're grateful for this episode, please be sure to subscribe today. And if you're feeling really thankful, please submit a review and share with others so they know the value. One last thing, please connect on social media using the hashtag EvolvingWithGratitude to share your gratitude stories.

Episode #137 - Aliza Pressman on All Feelings Are Welcome, All Behaviors Are Not

Shownotes:

What if one sentence could shift the way we think about parenting, leadership, and connection?

In this episode, Dr. Aliza Pressman—developmental psychologist and author of The 5 Principles of Parenting shares the mindset that’s reshaped how so many of us set boundaries and hold space for big emotions.

We talk about the real meaning of loving limits, how to show up with connection and authority, and why being a “cat” might just be your secret weapon for parenting teens.

If you’ve ever wrestled with setting boundaries, staying grounded, or wondering whether “good enough” really is—this episode is your permission to exhale.

Thrive Global Article:

About Our Guest:

Dr. Aliza Pressman is a developmental psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with families and the health care providers who care for them. She is the author of the New York Times bestselling book The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans, and the host of the award-winning podcast Raising Good Humans.

Aliza is the co-founding director of The Mount Sinai Parenting Center and is an assistant clinical professor at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai Hospital. She holds degrees from Dartmouth College, Teacher’s College, and Columbia University. Aliza is the mother of two teenagers.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

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Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

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Transcript:

Lainie Rowell: I am so excited. Welcome Dr. Aliza Pressman.

Aliza Pressman: Thank you. Thanks for having me.

Lainie Rowell: I wanna share with you. There is a saying that you have that I don't know if I've ever quoted anyone as much as when I tell people that you say "All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not." Could you have guessed that that was the quote I was gonna share?

Aliza Pressman: It's so simple, but that does seem to be the thing that resonates most. I think it's probably because as parents, we're all so tired, and that's a very quick way to check in.

Lainie Rowell: Well, and I also think. It works for adults too. Yeah, and that's one of the many things that's beautiful about your work is a lot of the wisdom that you share, it's not just about parents, but it's for educators, it's for leaders, it's for husbands and wives and partners.

And I think that that's a really important thing. But can you just tell us a little bit behind like what does that even mean? All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.

Aliza Pressman: I think I was trying to figure out a way to take decades of child development research and decades of research and just general to your point, like at any age, developmental psychology through the lifespan.

And what always emerges is that there has to be, you know, kind of a balance between being sensitive to the other human in your life and to yourself. So I think this is also about self. Also having appropriate limits and boundaries, and how do you do that? Everybody's struggles with this because it's like, if I'm sensitive to someone's needs, including my own, am I going to overindulge?

How will I set limits? How will I figure that out? And so I thought. A really good way to check in with yourself about all of this is to say that all feelings are welcome, so you get to be as mad, as happy, as sad, as jealous, as angry, as frustrated as whatever it is. You want I, the person responding to it, whether it's about myself.

Aliza, you're really angry right now. That's totally understandable because somebody just did something so rude. However, clocking them over the head is probably not a great idea right now. And so that's all behaviors are not. Yeah. And so whether it's to myself as I'm trying to sort of navigate the world or thinking about.

You know, a co-parent or thinking about one of my kids, it's the same answer. And whenever parents talk to me, we'll talk for hours, but then it boils down to the same thing, which is you get to feel how you get to feel. No one controls that.

Lainie Rowell: Mm-hmm.

Aliza Pressman: Except you. As much as we would love to control how other people feel, you should feel grateful.

You should feel happy, you should feel scared. You should feel whatever Those feelings are yours to own. The behaviors that I'm expecting. I still get to expect, and so if. Your feelings are welcome and the behaviors are not. I can work with that. That feels like parameters that we can all work with. And that's it.

That's my like very long explanation for a very short sentence.

Lainie Rowell: I enjoyed every second of it and I just feel like it's such a powerful statement. I literally don't think there's anyone I quote more. Then you and that statement, just because it's such a very powerful universal, and I appreciate that you put that out into the world and that I get to share it with others in a lot of different contexts, whether it's.

Working with educators and talking about the climate and culture in their classroom or in their schools. Right. Same kind of thing. And so I think it's just a really beautiful, like, it's not constrictive in the fact that you don't get your feelings, but it also is healthy boundaries. Like not all behaviors are cool.

Aliza Pressman: Absolutely. I, I was gonna call the book, all feelings are welcome. All behaviors are not. I had like a few titles. One was raising good parents, but I was like that that's, that seems like more what we're talking about. And then the other was, all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.

But after saying it for all these years, it just started to get annoying. Like I was like, that's probably gonna.

Lainie Rowell: I need something new. But No, it's, it's great. Yeah. And don't worry, we're all putting it out there for you and and raising good humans for the podcast. Like we're, we're here for it all.

So I'm gonna continue to gush, but I do wanna talk a little bit about some of the, the content in your book and some of the things that, some of the wisdom that you share in your podcast. You walk us through in the book Authoritarian. Permissive and authoritative parenting. And I became aware of these terms when I was, I was a psych major, but I went on to become an educator.

And in my teacher prep program, they would talk about this and they would talk about like, what are you gonna be in your classroom? Are you gonna be an authoritarian? Are you gonna be permissive? Are you gonna be authoritative? And so what is it about that sensitive with boundaries, that sweet spot?

Aliza Pressman: So first of all, I'm really glad you said that because I think that parenting has become this, like what's your approach or like all these things that sort of the, the new world of like mindful parenting. Gentle parenting because I said so parenting all the different... helicopter parenting. I don't know. Labels. Labels, nobody's like, my approach is helicopter. But I do think everyone's like looking to label an approach or make it a new thing. But ultimately this is decades old research and it keeps like now getting replicated and now we're seeing like neuroscience back it up that this authoritative approach of kind of.

Sounds a little bit basic, but all feelings are welcome, sensitive caregiving, including in the classroom. Do you have a connection with your student? Do you have a connection with your child? Do you have a connection with any human in your life? And the other side of it of. The loving limits, the all behaviors are not, so those limits, the boundary, the rules control to a certain extent expectation that when you balance those out, that is authoritative parenting.

That is where you are able to steer the ship that makes people feel safe because you are seeing them, but you're also in charge. Those two things need to be true together. When you get into authoritarian is when, whoops. Nobody can see me, but I'm making a scale here. And when you get into authoritarian is when the control, the expectations, the rules are sort of the prevailing feature of your powerful way, and I totally get that, especially if that's how you, you were raised or that's what feels like it works best. Sometimes that can be fear-based. Sometimes in the absence of that sensitivity, it's controlling and it is probably gonna lead to outcomes you're not looking for like covert behaviors and a lack of connection and risk taking behaviors that are not something you can even help with 'cause you're not gonna be the safe harbor and nobody's calling you to say, I messed up. I'm in trouble. And so I think authoritarian can be dangerous even though it's entirely reasonable that it comes from a place of like, I need to be in control.

And then the flip side is like all that loving sensitivity and best friendship. But it's, there's no authority whatsoever. There's no sense of somebody keeping me safe 'cause they're in charge and they're kind of, they've been around and they're stable and their rules are not moving with my moods. And I think that that permissiveness can feel really good because we are like.

Every time our children feel a feeling, we are sensitively responding to it and moving the goalpost. But that ends up. And it again, it's so well-meaning. It's so loving. Yes. But it can end up leading to chaos. It can end up leading to really high rates of anxiety, depression, internalizing disorders, high rates of substance misuse in adolescents.

Like if you're looking at a classroom and you're thinking this teacher is best friends with the kids. This is amazing. But they struggle because as a parent, as a teacher, as a leader. They don't want to displease the other person you're going to when you have limits. You're going, even if those limits are so important and appropriate and there for safety.

And so I think that that is a great way to just remember this research has been around for a long time. We repackage it and , we remarket it all the time. And I think now it's, I think it's more autonomy supportive parenting is, is the research that we're using.

But then in the zeitgeist and the culture, I think it's everything from conscious parenting to mindful parenting or whatever. Whatever it is, it's all the same. We really need those loving limits and sensitive caregiving.

Lainie Rowell: I think we'd love to rename things because it makes it fresh. Right. But I really hear you in that both extremes feel unsafe to kids.

Yeah. Whether it's that they're too controlling or not guiding enough, they both feel, to some extent, out of control. Yes. Because it's so controlling, it feels out of control, if that makes any sense. And then the other is there's just no boundaries. Doesn't anyone care what I do? I'm just gonna keep testing the limits.

Right. And whatever we wanna call it. But I do like how you talk about being both sensitive and having boundaries and that being the sweet spot. And I see that in so many ways. Not that it's necessarily easy, but that is what we strive for.

Aliza Pressman: I think that to your point, like it's not easy, but it's also the bar is pretty low in that we just have to do it more often than not, so that it becomes the sort of main approach that we have.

And the rest of the time we can blow it. We can be too permissive. We can be a little controlling and authoritarian. You know, we're all gonna have those moments, those days, those experiences where we're just like, but. If the majority of the time you're able to balance the limits and the love, you're good.

And I think that that matters because it takes the pressure off. Like in surgery, you're looking for perfect. For sure. I don't want a brain surgeon to be like, eh. I'm getting right more often than not, but in parenting it's so important. And same with any kind of role where we are guiding, and that's because we also need to make sure that we grow adults that think that they're allowed to have floppy days.

Lainie Rowell: I appreciate that grace because. I think a lot of us as parents struggle with trying to achieve perfection, which is not attainable, and that's one of the many things I love about your work is that you give us that grace and you say, look, if you can do it, more often than not, you're doing amazing.

Because I think we tend to beat ourselves up plenty as long as we are doing our best and we're getting it more often than not, we're in great shape and we're gonna raise these good humans. So I love one of, well, I just, this'll just be a list of all the things you say that I love, but

Aliza Pressman: I mean, you're so kind.

Lainie Rowell: Well, I really do love, and I haven't said the book's title often enough, so the Five Principles of Parenting, your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans, raising Good Humans, that really strikes a chord with I think, a lot of us, and one of the things you say is that it starts with our own nervous system.

I mean that's like really powerful and you have the five Rs. Could you maybe unpack those a little bit?

Aliza Pressman: Sure. So, and I will say this is all rooted in the science of the, in developmental science. And so it's not mine, it's just my delivery approach maybe. So these five Rs none of them are my big ideas.

I just kind of put them together because I wanted so much to be able to say, what do we know? Which we don't know that much. As you know, the minutiae of the everyday interactions that we have, they don't matter that much. We cling to them so desperately. But in the big picture, I wanted to be able to say what actually matters that's in our control.

And so the five Rs are relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, and repair. And those five Rs are the principles that we control to the extent that we control ourselves and that have the biggest impact on our kids. Obviously, we cannot control their biology other than to deliver DNA if we're talking about birth children, but beyond that, there's no other contribution there that we can control.

We can't control how other people interact with our kids. So I really wanted to say, what part of the science can we do something about? And I'm pretty in love with the fact that these five R actually can move the needle on resilience building because that is heartening to me.

Lainie Rowell: Absolutely. There's things that we do to create the conditions, but we still don't necessarily have control over what happens on the playground or what someone says when we're not watching or how our baby is treated in the real world, and it's like really hard.

And so this connection to resilience is really, really helpful for us to raise good and strong humans. We want them to be able to cope with whatever life's gonna throw them.

Aliza Pressman: Exactly. Exactly. So just so they're not abstract relationship is really just this simple. It sounds so simple, but it's just like, are we attuned with the humans in our life that we love so much, we paying attention? Are we distracted by thinking about what they'll become?

You know, what they'll achieve? How they reflect on us, how other people are perceiving us. Like all of the things that take us away from, are we seeing each other right now?

Are we connecting with each other right now? Did I notice that one child was a little bit briskly when I said something. Whereas another child who's more dandelion like, might just be like, I don't even notice. You can't know that about your kids unless you are really paying attention. And if we're sort of inundated with all of our self-doubt and all of our hopes and dreams for them, we are not actually in relationship.

So I think it's more simple than it seems, but if you didn't grow up with a close relationship with a parent or someone in your life that taught that you taught that you can be loved and seen, even in the context of like not getting what you want all the time and having limits and stuff. I think it can be hard, how do I connect, how do I play with my kid?

What does it look like to connect? And I, I think that exploring that can be really useful.

And it's also when I look at all the interviews that I do for the podcast and all the books that I read, ultimately. Relationship is one of the major answers to every question. And so it's like all the five R is, in fact, each one of them feel like they feel a little too simple to be true, but relationship is the most powerful environmental influence on our kids.

You know, we think about like pesticides or any external environmental issue or influence. But relationship is the most powerful one. And the relationship with a primary caregiver is the single most powerful environmental influence on our kids. And that is just so cool. And I also just wanna say that it's still a small influence and I don't want it to be translated into, oh my God, it's all on me.

It's more like. Even in the context of the stuff that we wish were not so we have the power through our relationship to support kids going through such a range of experiences.

Lainie Rowell: Truly a range of experiences. And I just have to touch on how they reflect on us, man. I think if there's one thing we could remove from how we parent that being a factor might clear up a lot of challenges because they are these little reflections of us in the world and we want the best for them. And then there's, I'll be honest, there's a part of me that's like, oh, that does not make me look good. Don't do that. That's gonna make me look terrible.

Aliza Pressman: Yeah. I mean, my kids, the first time they were aware of kind of my job. It, it's funny in retrospect, but like it was not at the time, which was, I used to have mom groups at home and I had an office at home and so my kids were coming home. It was on a different floor, so the entrance was different, but the entrance to the building was the same. My kids came home, I guess, at the same time as some of the moms in my group were arriving.

So when I saw my kids afterwards they said, oh, we accidentally bumped into some of the moms in your group, but don't worry. We were so polite because we don't want you to lose your job. And I was like, ah. That is, I mean, first of all, thank you for being polite, but just to be a person, not so that my job, my job is on the line.

But also I was thinking, oh my God, please know that your behavior, if anything it's my work to make sure that I don't treat you as if your behavior is a reflection of my capacity to do my job with other people. Like it just might mean that I'm not really good at putting into practice what I preach.

It was really important to me to pay attention to that after this happened. And there were a couple of other moments, like I remember my best friend and I had all of our kids together. They were all little, there were five kids to together kind of playing outside. And one of my kids must have done something that bothered me.

I have no recollection exactly of what, but here's what I remember. I remember that my friend said to me, oh I would never have guessed that's what you're supposed to do in those kinds of situations. And she didn't say that in a way that was like,

Lainie Rowell: it wasn't meant to be a slight, yeah,

Aliza Pressman: it was not meant to be a slight, she genuinely was like, who knew?

And I said to her, oh no, you should not do that. I was like, a hundred percent what I did is not what I would recommend. I just lost it. And so these little moments happen and you know, you pay attention to, and I just learned it earlier, wow, this isn't about raising my kids. This is about making sure people think I'm a good mom and that is not okay.

And, and especially for me, I knew that that was gonna be an issue, and so I didn't want to fall into that trap of like, what will people think? And am I gonna change my parenting in this moment to serve how people will view me versus how my children will feel?

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. It's a struggle.

I have not mastered it yet. It is something I'm aware of and you know, I'm an educator. My kids have known what I do for a living, and so, you know, I'd like them to be just the beacon of the best kids ever, but I'm not gonna put that on them. I hope they don't feel that.

Another thing to do with relationships that really resonated with me, and this'll maybe partly be because of where I am in the cycle of parenthood, which is, I have a tween and a teen, so I have a 14-year-old girl. You guys can't see her, but Aliza just gave me the best look because she knows she knows what I'm in.

And so I have a 14-year-old girl and an 11-year-old boy. And I love how you talk about when to be a dog versus a cat.

Aliza Pressman: Okay, this is so in life. I generally use dog and cat metaphors for everything because I am such a dog as just a person who, like, I wag my tail.

Basically. I put it all out there. I'm very enthusiastic and it's not cool. I have jokes with plenty of my friends and my husband about, you know. My dog likes self, and I think some people are more cats, they're just a little more aloof. They're harder to get. You have to kind of work a little harder.

I am always in awe of those kinds of personalities because I just could never, I can't hold back for five seconds. Like if I'm thinking something nice about someone, I'm probably gonna say it immediately. There's no playing it cool. With teenagers you have to kind of play it cool and be a cat and let them come to you and be available.

So you're like curled up at the end of the sofa, but you're not like wagging your tail and licking them and jumping all over them when they walk in the door. And I think as toddlers and young children, they need that enthusiasm and that desperation, but it's hard for me to dress up as a cat and play it cool. And we obviously have a lot of jokes about this in my family. I think it's really useful if you think about dogs and cats. If you don't, it's not Lisa Dior says be a house plant. And that totally resonates as well. But I do think that if you can transition as you see your adolescent wanting to individuate more, but kind of wanting you around, but not really bothering them.

It's a lot easier to get that sense that they're safe to come to you, but you're not like needy and desperate. And again, if you ask my kids, they'd be like, she's literally never a cat. But what they don't realize is the version of me they get is me desperately trying to be a cat. Like I would be even more ridiculous if I didn't have, in my mind, I'm a cat.

I'm a cat, I'm a cat.

Lainie Rowell: That is so relatable to me because I would say the exact same thing. If someone asked my kids, is your mom cool? Is she chill? Is she laid back? They'd be like, no.

You know, I travel for work and when my kids was really young it would really be so, so, so hard on me. And I had a really wise friend and she's like, I know it's hard on you now. You're gonna think they don't need you around later. It's gonna feel easier from the perspective of like, mom, that's cool head off I'll see you in a few days. But it's actually when they need you around the most, you just have to be there like in the background.

Yeah.

Aliza Pressman: Like, be chill. So it, it is interesting because at the same time as you're trying not to be a a dog. You do. It's true. Like Saturday night isn't our night out anymore. It's the night that we probably need to be around to do a pickup from a party or smell breath when people get home and hug them and give them a snack.

You know, look into their eyes, let them know like there's somebody who's loving you and waiting up for you, but like also happy to be doing their own thing at home. I'm not saying never go out on a Saturday night, but just keep in mind that that period during which we feel like a little bit like cat behavior, we still need to be around.

And if anything, we probably need to be around a little bit more. There's this whole window of elementary school where if you wanna go out on a Friday and Saturday night, your kids are not losing like that face that's looking them in the eye when they get home.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. And,

Aliza Pressman: and so it's just that, you know, different ages, different, we have different priorities and, and I think for teenagers it's a funny thing to be around, but just not be annoying.

Lainie Rowell: The amount of energy I'm exerting to not be annoying is exhausting, but it's fine. It's fine. This is the phase.

Aliza Pressman: No, I, I'm with you. This is my Achilles heel. That's why I talk about it so much.

Lainie Rowell: And I wanna be super clear to those listening. Who are parents or teachers of different ages.

One of the things that I want to commend you on with the book, I think this is hard to do, but you thread this needle so well, is that you talk about the universal and then you give examples of, well, this is what it would look like for a toddler and this is what it would look like for upper elementary and this is what it would look like for teen.

So I do wanna make sure, just because I am completely selfishly asking you things that have to do with my parenting situation like, I just wanna make super clear to the listeners that you cover it all in your beautiful book. And I'm gonna keep going though on one that I think is probably more relevant with the tween and the teen years, but talking about the difference between toxic stress and positive stress. It's relating to all ages, but maybe I just tend to see it more as we're getting into the older stages.

Aliza Pressman: And I think all of these things truly I did, I wanted to have a book that people could just feel like they could go back to at different ages and I wanted one fluent theme for everyone. Just 'cause there's so much I. By the way, there's so many beautiful books that are more specific that are about one particular topic, but I just sort of wanted this sort of, if you can't look at anything else, will this cover it from birth through adolescence?

And I think it gets easier as you practice with different ages and with toxic versus positive stressors essentially in the research and I think this is really important to talk about also because we hear stress for our kids and we panic. We don't want our kids to experience stress. In fact, one of my teenagers the other day said.

No, that causes a cortisol spike and cortisol spikes are bad for your brain. And I said to her, listen, wherever you're getting this information

Lainie Rowell: that sounds like a TikTok or an Instagram,

Aliza Pressman: it said, that sounds like an like a social media science. And of course my children looked at me and they were like, you do the same thing you do social media reels about this stuff.

And I'm like that is not my point.

Lainie Rowell: There's lot of credentials, lot of education and certifications.

Aliza Pressman: It's not bad to experience stress, it's the chronic stress. So like a spike in your cortisol because you're nervous for taking a test, that's probably gonna help you a little bit. If you stayed in that state and it was chronic and it wasn't coming back down, then it's a problem. And so toxic stressors are the kind of stressors where you have.

Unrelenting, toxic, terrible, not going anywhere, chronic stress, and that happens with exposure to violence. It happens with abuse and neglect. Of course it happens experiencing basically all of our worst nightmares. But what I think is so beautiful about this particular research is that essentially whatever you go through in, because this research started in World War ii, so even war torn childhood can be moved from the category of toxic stress exposure to tolerable stress just by having one adult caregiver with whom you feel that safe, secure relationship. So that to me is a beautiful thing about it.

We'd never want toxic stress because inherent in the definition is that you don't have that support system to help sit with you. You can't stop it. These are terrible stressors that happen out of our control. But unless it's direct from the parent, in which case you need someone else who's gonna be in that role.

And then on the other side of it are positive stressors and positive stressors are necessary for resilience. Like you don't need toxic stress to experience resilience. Toxic stress does not lead to resilience. In fact, it leads to higher rates of mental illness, high rates of heart disease, diabetes, like stroke, every you, you name it.

There are both physiological and mental health implications for toxic stressors throughout the lifespan. But the tolerable stressors actually have capacity to build resilience. Mm. And that's the only distinction is that you have that caregiver that has that loving support, the positive stressors you don't need to do anything about.

They're gonna come, you just don't wanna interrupt them. Positive stressors are like. You didn't remember to bring your homework, you forgot your baseball uniform, you didn't get invited to a birthday party. Your parents are having another baby. You moved you, you switch schools. Actually switching schools and moving is probably more tolerable most of the time.

But that just means you need a loving support system for them. Positive stressors, it'd be nice if you could be loving and supportive and say I hate that feeling when you forget to bring in your uniform and then you can't play the game.

But what you're not doing is saying, I don't want you to experience that.

I'll get there in time. Your coach will never know. Because then we're fixing the very thing that is like the baby muscle building that we need to be doing so that our kids can grow up and remember that feeling is something they can get through. If you didn't experience positive stressors and positive doesn't mean good things, it means they're helpful to your life.

If you didn't experience those, how are you supposed to know you can survive those?

Lainie Rowell: I'm gonna disclose something. I love to rescue. Like, rescuing makes me feel really good.

But yeah. Okay. So I'm, so, I'm human. But what I care about more than rescuing is how do I cultivate resilience and agency and autonomy in my kids because I do want them to be successful. So my kids actually, this is probably one thing. I'm just gonna get myself, pat on the back.

My kids like make their own breakfast. I don't know if it's just out of laziness and not being a morning person, but yeah.

Aliza Pressman: By the way, who cares why it's so awesome that they do? I feel the same way. Like a lot of the things that my kids do on their own is simply because of laziness on my part. But I'll take it as a win.

Lainie Rowell: I'm gonna take it as a win. I'm here for it. So I really appreciate that we don't wanna rescue and remove these opportunities for our kids to navigate stress, because that is what builds resilience. We have to give them those opportunities. We cannot take those opportunities away from them.

And so thank you for helping me with that. I very much appreciate that.

Okay, I just wanna nerd out on you talk about it in the book and I've heard you talk about it other places, theory of mind.

Can we just geek out on this because I've heard you say you're fascinated by this and I too am fascinated by theory of mind. So for those who might not have it, top of mind, what is theory of mind? Why is this important?

Aliza Pressman: So theory of mind is essentially this cognitive capacity to understand that different people have different mental states.

So if you can understand the mental states of others, or at least know that they have a different mental state than you might, you're so close to being empathetic. You're so close to being able to move through the world without making assumptions that will make you have a difficult time connecting with people.

Because if we mind read all the time with the assumption that the other person would think and feel exactly as we do, then there is very little room for open curiosity and connection. So what does it look like in the research? I think this is super cool. So experimenters looked at three year olds and four year olds in a lab. And they asked them what was inside a very familiar object. The familiar object was a box of Crayola crayons. So they'd ask the three year olds what's in the box.

The three year olds would say crayons, typically. Typically. And the four-year-olds would say crayons. 'cause that's what they're looking at. Then they would say, I'm gonna show you a little secret here, is that there are paperclips in this box. So the three-year-olds had exposure to that three and under, and the four and Up had exposure to that.

So then they would have an experimenter come in the room and they would say, what do you think this person, let's call this person Lainey. What do you think Lainey thinks is inside this Crayola box? And so the two, three year olds would say paperclips because they would assume if they know there are paperclips in the Crayola box, then everybody must know that there are paperclips in there. And what a massive leap over the age of four when the kids were able to say, well, they're probably gonna think they're crayons in this box.

I know there are paperclips. To me that cognitive leap is breathtaking. Like I know it's very nerdy for us to be excited about this, but what it means is that I can also say, you know, I'm assuming a whole lot of things if it were just me, but I know that other people might not be coming from that same perspective.

So let me think about what their perspective might be. And I think that if we can really work on that, we can really help I mean, humanity.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah.

Aliza Pressman: Because we are very much having a problem with this particular skillset right now.

Lainie Rowell: We are. I appreciate you pointing out. We know that from the science developmentally, it's around four, maybe five, right?

Somewhere in there. I came to know about theory of mind back in the day when I was diving deep into gratitude because how can you understand that someone has done something for you without theory of mind, without understanding that they don't see the world exactly like you see it, that they don't have the exact same thoughts in their head.

Like that doesn't make any sense otherwise. But I also think exactly what you said for adults too is to remember that we don't know what other people are thinking and they're not thinking the same thing as us. And we can think we know lots of things, but we'll never Yeah. Completely what someone else is going through.

Aliza Pressman: Right? And so how do we make sure that you don't just like have the cognitive skill, but you exercise it constantly so that it grows into a skill that allows you to be the kind of person that says, well, I might feel this way.

Lainie Rowell: Mm-hmm.

Aliza Pressman: You know, let me think about what this other person's perspective might be.

Lainie Rowell: So important with the humility of, I can't possibly know, but I know that it could be different.

Aliza Pressman: Yeah.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. I love that. Okay. I just had to nerd out on that because when I read that in your book, I'm like, I get to talk to Aliza Pressman about theory of mind, like I'm such a nerd. I know. I'm here for it though.

So Aliza, if there was something you haven't had a chance to share yet, or you can't share enough, like you're gonna put it on a billboard or shout it from a rooftop, what do you want people to know?

Aliza Pressman: I mean. If I'm gonna shout it from a rooftop, it would probably still be all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.

But I also want parents to think about how uniquely suited they are to be raising the kids that they have and how all the research in the world is only to give insight into how that individual might experience raising those particular kids. And the rest is like, know your own values and what feels right for you, and use the research to help inform what you wanna do with that.

But my values or anybody else's are very specifically not yours. They might be aligned, like we might, we probably have a lot of alignment, but I think it's really important to recognize that how other people want to experience, like what to prioritize. Is fully on them. And I think that way you're not overwhelmed.

Pick three or four things that really matter to you and then align the science and figure out, okay, given the science and my values, how am I raising these kids and everything else I'm gonna say that's not on my worry plate because you can't take on everything, so don't try.

It's so overwhelming and it can make you resent parenting and parenting experts and parenting influencers and all that noise. Just pick what's important to you. Focus on that and let like know that the rest can kind of. Like work itself out.

Lainie Rowell: I so appreciate that you give us the tools, the strategies, the mindset to empower us, and then you also offer us such grace.

And one of the things that I heard throughout our conversation is that we as parents, and I put educators in this group, counselors, caregivers, it's a big group of us that work with kids. We are so important, but not every moment of what we do is so important. And if we can overall do the good work, more often than not, then we're gonna raise those good humans.

Aliza Pressman: Exactly.

Lainie Rowell: Okay, good. Right, so now I wanna make sure that people know to go to their favorite bookseller and get the Five Principles of Parenting, Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans. I want to make sure people, if they're not already listening to Raising Good Humans Podcasts, they should absolutely do that.

And then, Aliza, what else do you want people to know about how they can connect with you? Like the socials? I mean, I follow you on Instagram.

Aliza Pressman: I do have the Instagram @RaisingGoodHumansPodcast. And I have a Substack that just is a free weekly newsletter that kind of summarizes the episode of the week.

And maybe I pull out like one thing from it that I just thought we should really dive into. And the Substack does have a community, like there is a subscription part of that where we meet once a month. I think that's it.

Lainie Rowell: It's amazing. I am also a subscriber and I do really appreciate that. Your solo episodes are magic and then you have these tremendous guests on.

And then I do appreciate that you do give us these really important tips in the email and then we get to also go listen to the episodes. So you're like giving it to us in all the ways. Making it so.

Aliza Pressman: I wanna make it accessible and I just want people to like, some people like to listen, some people like to read.

Some people like to just look at an Instagram post, take it however, it's helpful.

Lainie Rowell: I'm taking all of it, and I so appreciate all the brilliance that you put out there. And if people are not already connected to you, they need to be. And. I just wanna keep saying your name 'cause I'm so excited that I get to be here with you.

Aliza Pressman: I just thought it was because you know how to say Aliza,

Lainie Rowell: I would be so devastated if I said it wrong.

But Aliza, thank you so much for being here and thank you all for listening.

Aliza Pressman: Thank you for having me.

Episode #136 - The One Practice Scientifically Proven to Benefit Everyone—But Most Still Resist

Shownotes:

We say we want less stress, better sleep, more clarity. So why do we skip the one practice that actually delivers?

In this episode, we’re talking about journaling—not as a trend, but as a proven, powerful ritual that supports your mental and physical well-being. And no, it doesn’t need to be pretty. It just needs to be real.

You’ll hear why the science is clear, why the resistance is real, and how to override the doubt and just start.

Spoiler: the blank page might be uncomfortable at first—but on the other side is clarity, calm, and connection. Grab a pen. Let’s go.

And you can find the article on Thrive Global!

I hope you enjoy whatever adventure you choose!

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
X/Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Episode #135 - Myriam Sandler on Playful by Design

Shownotes:

Feeling burned out trying to do everything as a parent? You’re not alone—and you’re not failing.

In this episode, Myriam Sandler, creator of Mothercould and author of Playful by Design, shares a powerful reframe: independent play isn’t about stepping away from your kids—it’s about helping everyone thrive.

We talk about the hidden pressure parents carry, why boredom is a good thing (yes, really), and how to set up play spaces that invite creativity without adding stress.

If you’re craving more breathing room, more connection, and less guilt—this one’s for you.

Thrive Global Article:

About Our Guest:

Myriam Sandler is the creator of Mothercould (@mothercould), a beloved kids' activity and family lifestyle community trusted by millions of families. As a mother of three, Myriam shares engaging, easy-to- follow video tutorials that offer accessible DIY play ideas, parenting hacks, family travel tips, and more. Mothercould has grown to offer family-friendly, problem-solving products now available at major retailers.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
X/Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Transcript:

Lainie Rowell: Welcome Myriam. How are you today?

Myriam Sandler: I'm doing well. Thank you so much for having me on.

I'm excited to talk to you.

Lainie Rowell: I'm excited to talk to you and I'm a follower of your work and I know you've got a book coming out and I love that you're making play more accessible and stress free for families, especially busy working parents. And so, you know, what sparked your passion for this and what led you to write this book?

Myriam Sandler: So I think one of the most common misconceptions about me is that I play with my kids all day. And that's because I have a kids activity account, right? Like, that's, that's normal. If you see me share play recipe after play recipe and activity after activity, you will be like, oh my god, she's the ideal mom.

All she does is play with her kids all day. When in reality, I don't play with my kids at all. I literally only play with them while we make a play recipe and then they're off to the races on their own. And I think that's something that society has like, society and social media has kind of like blended into this like perception , that isn't real, right?

Like somebody told me the other day, they were like, you're the mom I always wish I was. And I was like, You mean my disorganized, overwhelmed, over scheduled mom, is that what you're referring to? And she was like, what? And I was like, well, social media makes me look really, really good. It makes it seem like I play with my kids all day.

And that was the foundation of Playful by Design.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, I love it. And I will say, I do think your Instagram feed is Not overly polished, overly curated, like, you seem like a genuine, authentic human to me. I

Myriam Sandler: love that. Thank you.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, because I do think about this sometimes cavernous gap between our aspirational selves and our actual selves.

But I feel like what your work does, and your new book, Playful by Design, does really well is it's like, like, we're real people and we can get this done.

Myriam Sandler: One of the things that we did actually in Playful by Design is that we put in illustrations as well as photographs so that it would be more inspirational not just aspirational because you can see yourself in a drawing on a shelf. You could be like, Oh, I have a bin or I have some books and I have that. But if you see a picture of like this beautiful shelf with all clear bins and like Montessori toys and this and that, you're going to be like, okay, that was really aspirational.

Closed, never do it. So we really wanted this to be a kind of like a guide to raising independent kids and , that was through illustrations and I'm, I'm so glad that we did that.

Lainie Rowell: It came through, it came through.

Okay so sidebar, I just wondered, as you're researching and preparing for your work, I mean, I know you're a mom that was doing this out of like, I am gonna make sure my kids can play independently, and also my sanity. I need to protect my own well being. Was Maria Montessori an inspiration for all this?

Myriam Sandler: So I wouldn't say I pulled inspiration from one place, I really pulled inspiration from my children. And that's something that I always say that is key to creating a system that works for you, is that you should look at your own family lifestyle and your own children's interests and see how that goes, right?

Like independent play is crucial for parents to be able to do what they need to do and for kids to grow and learn. It's both. It's two parts, right? We have structured our children's lives to the T, right? They wake up at a certain time, they wear certain clothes, they go to school at a certain time, they go after school to a certain time, and then we have dinner.

Everything is just super, super, super scheduled. So, when do they play? When do they free play? Which is more importantly. And so that's what I pulled inspiration from. It's like, let me look at my own schedule. And it's like, why are my kids always like, I'm bored, or this, in moments of down time. And that's because it's the only opportunities that I haven't scheduled for them.

That I haven't led the way. There's this one part of Playful by Design that says, You should let your children be the architects of their own play space. And just by allowing them that piece of independence from the get go will allow them to play independently. So, that's where I pulled inspiration from, from my kids, from my family.

And it was very, very helpful.

Lainie Rowell: That's absolutely incredible. So I have two kids. My first kid was at home with me as I'm, you know, working full time. Yes. And that's, I'm sure you've had some of those joys.

Myriam Sandler: It's hard.

Lainie Rowell: It's hard. It's a real struggle.

Myriam Sandler: Yeah.

Lainie Rowell: And my second child, just our family situation ended up going to a Montessori school.

So this was educational for me because I had definitely done way too much of handholding and preparing and what can I get you for my daughter. And then when my son went to Montessori and I would go and, stand on the side and watch a little bit. And I'm like, Wow, this, this two and a half year old just did that?

That's incredible. So I really resonates with me that you're promoting this independent play and the fact that it has a benefit for the kids and the adults is pretty remarkable.

Myriam Sandler: Yes.

The fact that we both have that experience of working full time from home and having young children, like that is, that is much harder than leaving the house and going to work.

You have to create a structure where it's ideally unstructured for you to be able to do what you need to do, get on your Zoom calls finish your papers, like do everything, and your child has the confidence in themselves that they can create a moment of boredom and really come out with something incredible.

And another part of Playful by Design is we have to get comfortable with the B word. It's okay for kids to be bored. It's really important for them to be bored. Because when you and I were kids, we would go outside and we would play. And we would go to the neighbor's house. Or we would literally build forts out of sticks and dirt and anything that we had around us.

And that all came out of moments of boredom.

That did not come from our parents telling us, you know what? It could be a great idea if you got all dirty in the mud and put all the sticks together. Like that didn't happen, right? And that was a moment of creativity. And those moments are when you allow your brain to create those neurological connections where you allow your body to grow in fine motor skills, gross motor skills.

I always say sensory play is the way that my kids learned how to eat with a spoon because they learned how to scoop and pour and transfer all of their rice, all of their Play Doh, all of their sand through play. And that's, it's huge.

Lainie Rowell: It is. I'm going to make a connection to just, when I was in the classroom for years, it took me a long time to actually bring this kind of mindset into teaching, that I don't have to be in control of everything, that it's okay to let them, you know, there was some study done, it's like, how many questions do kids ask before they get to be elementary school age?

And it's like, yeah. Over 300 a day, which you and I are moms, that probably feels low. We're probably like, I feel like it's more than 300 a day.

Myriam Sandler: It's definitely more.

Lainie Rowell: But then you get to school age and it's like, by fourth grade, it just, it just nose dives. And so they're not asking as many questions and they're not getting that.

So I feel like this promoting of independent play and not being afraid of the B word bored, it's in a lot of different spaces. I mean, you can almost even think about it in the workplace, right? It's like micromanaging your employees. We need to think about how can we give people some autonomy so that they can really be creative and helps us out too.

Myriam Sandler: I agree.

And I love that you mentioned that fourth grade. Like threshold, my daughter, my oldest is in fourth grade and I see it with her and her friends and now is when family dynamics shift a lot, right? A lot of families will allow their kids to have technology and some families will not allow any and some of them will have some. So having that dynamic and working through it is really hard.

I Never ever ever put technology TV Anything on a pedestal, right? Because then they want it more. That's with anything, right? You just crave something that you don't have. They've always had access to go to the TV and get that downtime and this and that. But I really have learned, have seen that my kids don't gravitate towards technology because they have alternatives.

And they have alternatives that really interest them. For example, my fourth grader, she's ten. She loves to create like play makeup like movie makeup almost where it's like bloody and like become a whole different person. So I got her a little desk and some face paint and she comes home from school and she goes there.

She doesn't go to the TV. So when people are like, but all my kids don't want to play with their toys, and they don't want, all they do want to do is watch TV.

And TV is designed nowadays to keep people's attention. So is social media. Any sort of technology is so gravitating, and I'm not anti technology. I think it's one of the things in their parenting toolbox that we can have in moments of like, you know what, things are a little chaotic right now.

Please watch the movie while I finish my call. Like that is okay in my book. But if they have all their other alternatives that interest them, they will gravitate towards play. And that will benefit her so much more in the long run. Then going to the TV when she comes home.

And it's also her decision, which I think is also really important there.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, and I think, going back to what you said earlier, it's like the biggest inspiration for your work is your actual kids, and appreciating that all kids are unique and dynamic, and so we create opportunities for them.

And also, knowing that we have to sometimes give them a lot of exposure to different things, right? I think at any age we run the risk of kind of shuffling them down one road, which maybe is not where they're meant to be. So,

Myriam Sandler: or where they want to be.

Lainie Rowell: Where they want to be, exactly.

So giving them these open ended opportunities is really really helpful. Can you tell a little bit about some of the other benefits of kind of the open ended play, the sensory play, kind of how does that help kids develop things like resilience and creativity and problem solving?

Myriam Sandler: So if you think about creating a play space, right, whether it's a playroom or in their bedroom or a play space outside of the family room, I think it's really important to allow the kids that independence, like I said from the beginning, right, allowing them to have that almost like bodily autonomy from the beginning, right?

It's allowing them to be like, this is what actually I'm interested in. This is where I want to put it because then I'll know where it goes when I put it back. So the benefits come far beyond like we all know make incredible neurological connections. You practice your fine motor skills, your gross motor skills, your life skills like I mentioned before you're pouring you're scooping your everything you can learn in your structured everyday worksheet you can learn through it through play and you actually learn about it much faster than if you were to sit down and practice it out That's something that I learned and it was like, I don't know the exact statistic, but it was like 200 times faster if you learn something through play rather than if you were to like do it on a worksheet or something like that, which I think play is a child's tool, right?

And their play tools are also really important. So when a parent says to me, they don't play with any of their toys and I'm like, well, let's look at their toys. Let's look at their tools, let's see what you have, and let's see if it's doing all of the work for them. Like I, I love a battery operated toy, but some battery operated toys will do everything for you, right?

Where you're just like looking at it. It's essentially a television or a tablet. So I think looking at what you have will make a very big difference in in the development of your child's play. And that's huge.

Lainie Rowell: And again, I bring that to, to my experience in the classroom is, I just feel like my instinct was to rescue and to entertain or to keep engaged.

It's always on me. And I feel like with kids, whether it's in a home setting or an academic setting it really has to be more of this partnership. And we're giving them that autonomy and giving them those opportunities to. It's like a co construct, not a, and sometimes just a they construct, not a me.

Myriam Sandler: Totally. I think play in general is a really great opportunity to connect with children at a level that you will both understand. So when I create a play recipe, whether it's Play Doh or sand or slime or whatever it is, I do it with my kids because they are literally babies. I'll sit them on the counter and I'll hold her hand while she's pouring.

I look back at those videos and I'm like, she is so engaged. Like the level of engagement and awe is incredible. And it's something that I love to do. Right. I love to create, like, who doesn't like to make Play Doh? Everybody likes to make Play Doh if you have the opportunity to. I look back at that and I'm just like, we connected.

She couldn't speak a single word, but we connected in that moment. And as my kids have grown, I have used play as an opportunity to connect with them. We don't need to sit there all day and play with them to be hero mom. 5, 10, 15 minutes of direct engaged time with a child is so valuable and you're like, five minutes.

I'm like, yeah, five minutes. Read them a book. That's it. Because you're both engaged and you both understand each other at the same level. Now it's not five minutes of them coloring and you on your phone sitting next to them. It's five minutes of both of you coloring, of both of you creating that Play Doh, both of you reading and flipping through the pages.

Those moments are gold.

Lainie Rowell: And I hear you on being so intentional, so strategic. Because I think there's a, again, I'll go back to, as an educator, I would prep these projects for kids, like, I was doing so much of the work, and to some extent there's a developmental issue, like, okay, maybe it's not safe for them to do this part, but, but a lot of times I was doing way too much prep, and I hear you saying, like, well, that could be your part of the time with them, is you prep the activity, and then they go do the activity, and then you go to work, or you go to, you know.

Do something else that you need to get done. That is really, really helpful for, again, the adult well being. And it's also good for the

kids.

Myriam Sandler: 100%. I always said Mothercould, my brand is about the mother. It's a lot about the children, but Mothercould. It's about the mother. It started with my Mothercould moment with my moment of, I did this as a parent for the first time with nobody's help, it was me, I did it.

And that was huge. And that's why I always go back to like Playful by Design. Yes, your kids, it's important for them to play independently, but to get that time back and to get that moment of connection and time investment for yourself and your child is just, it's unmatched and there is an easy way to do it.

You don't need to go to the container store and buy 50 clear bins. Like, we don't need to do that, right? Like, we don't need to go on Amazon and buy the perfect, like, we just don't. Yes, it helps. Not gonna lie. It does help because the clear bins kids can see what's inside them. But it doesn't help if you stuff it with all 50 different type of toys in there, right?

There's a way. There's a way and there's a system. And that system is going to differ from you to me. A shelf that works for you is not going to work for me. So I can't be like, this is the perfect shelf, this is the perfect bin, marry them and your life is resolved. It doesn't work that way.

Lainie Rowell: Could you give us some more specifics about the space?

And like, how you organize spaces to really make it so that they're enjoying and they're experiencing what they need to with independent play and then we can go on to be productive and do what we need to do that might not center around our children.

Myriam Sandler: I think sometimes what happens when we're thinking about setting up these play spaces is that we as parents are like the ideal play space is in this room that's like four doors across and here perfect nobody will see the toys what you will see happening is your kids going there and bringing the toys back to a communal space.

Because when our kids are little, they are humans and we crave human connection. That is all we want is to create, create these moments of connection, right? So, maybe what you think that you have in your house is not the ideal space. I would look at your kids patterns and I would say, You know what? One of my daughters really loves to play in her room because she doesn't want, or maybe, You have like a baby and there's a big age gap.

They don't want the baby to play with the small Legos. So, so maybe the ideal space for her is in her bedroom. Maybe the ideal play space for your baby is in a little playpen off of the kitchen.

Like I have a playroom in my house and it's more towards the entrance. And it is ideal for when my kids turn three.

But before that I build literally with one of those like You know, plastic gates, a little playpen in my living room. Does it look nice? No, it doesn't look nice. It looks terrible. That's only for the first year. The second year, it's on a shelf in the, in the same space. The third year, we are working towards bringing those toys back to the play space.

So it really depends on thinking about your family dynamic and your kids patterns and thinking, okay, maybe the console under the TV in the family room, that's off the kitchen might be better used to put some of their toys rather than extra blankets. So that's when you start to create kind of like, I call them play hotspots within the house.

So it doesn't mean all of the toys go there, right? But you have these play hotspots where if I'm in the kitchen cooking, I know my kids are going to want to be near me, let me put them there. Or let's say you do lots of entertaining and your kids want to be there. Hey, put a little discreet shelf, open shelf with a few toys in the corner of the living room.

It'll look really cute. And your kids will be happily playing there, rather than bringing everything that they can into the space. Another play hotspot, again, is the bedroom. Their bedrooms are kind of like the only place in the house where they can take ownership of, in a way, right? There are some households where you have to share a bedroom, like my two youngest share a bedroom.

Or the parents are so structured that it's got to be the perfect wallpaper, the perfect, ideal, Instagram worthy space where you don't have the restrictions. But then you can't come crying that your kids don't play, right? So, I think it's really important to look at your family dynamics and create those play hotspots within your house.

And that would be really, really helpful, to start at least.

Lainie Rowell: What I love that you're sharing is to be so thoughtful about how our lives are dynamic.

So I think that's a really smart thing to be evolving and rethinking our spaces as our family dynamics change.

Myriam Sandler: I think it's important to note that what I want, could be very different from what they want. Mm-hmm .

Lainie Rowell: That's a good point.

Myriam Sandler: Right. One of my children. She doesn't love to be around her two younger sisters all the time.

So maybe I do create a hot spot where it's just for her, right? That's normal. That's part, like, I hated my brother when I was 10. That was just part of it, right? And creating that space and listening to them is really important. Kids are allowed to take space. Kids are allowed to have opinions. And I know that I'm the one who pays for everything, and I'm the one who structures everything.

But I think giving them that importance goes a really long way, a really long way as they get older.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. Honoring their interests and their preferences as well, not just all about me.

Myriam Sandler: Yeah. And it always takes me back to, I remember, oh my gosh, when I moved into this house, I, I organized, I went to the home edit and I organized it like a queen.

Okay. I, like my pantry looked banking new. It was gorgeous.

Lainie Rowell: Was it rainbow?

Myriam Sandler: Everybody in the house. Of course it was rainbow. Everybody in the house was like, Mom, where's the scissors? Mom, where can I find the rice? Mom, where's the paper? Mom, mom, mom. And I was like, no more! No more! Because I was the gatekeeper of everything in my house.

And apart from all of the mental load of being a mama free business owner, working from home, like, now I'm also the gatekeeper of the scissors? Yeah. No, that can't, that cannot be the case. And that always brings me back to, ok my kids played for five magical minutes and then they made a giant mess, left it for me to clean up.

I'm like, did they leave it for you to clean up because they didn't want to clean up or because they don't know where it goes back? Does that thing that they left out not have a home that is clear to them? You might be like, but the balls, they go there, to the left, on the bottom drawer. It's like I tell my husband all the time when he asked me for something, I'm like, it's, it's, it's here where it's, oh, usually it's, yeah, but I've never looked for it.

And I was like, yeah, no, I under, I understand. We're going to fix that. But it's the same thing with children. If things don't have a clear home. How do you expect them to put things back? I always say your biggest enemy are deep bins. Yeah. Deep bins are a black hole because you just stuff everything in there, you push it into the wall and you're like gorgeous.

But then your kids need to find something or find the deep bin. The first thing that they do is take it out and you dump it all. Yeah. And then they walk away because they're overwhelmed by possibilities. And I think if we can reduce that by simply having shallow bins, hey, that's a win win for everybody.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, it reminds me of that old saying, form follows function. Like, that's just such an old design principle, but it's so true. Sometimes we focus on making things pretty over functional, and then we get ourselves into trouble. And I think one of the things I really appreciate about your approach is, even when it comes to cleaning up, like, why would that fall on the adult?

That's, that's a great way to burn yourself out, is create all these opportunities, but then not teach the kids and this happens in a classroom to like it's our space. We have to take care of it. And I really appreciate you pushing for that independence there, too, right?

Myriam Sandler: Yeah, it's it's independence all around It's independence for the parents.

It's independent for play. It's independence and bodily autonomy for the child. It goes all around and it all plays together. And I and I think people are like, okay I'm going to create this place because I'm going to put an art table and my kids are going to draw all over the wall and that's where boundaries come in.

And like boundaries are really important. Their boundaries are really important for adults and boundaries are ultra important for children because now they're learning and, and they're going to push the limit, right? I remember with my babies when I would give them like sensory rice, the first time they threw it.

Makes sense. If you give me sensory rice, the first time I throw it. Then I take it away and we talk about it and be like sensory rice stays on the mat or it stays in the bin. Second time, they throw a little less. The third time, there's no more throwing. How do you explain that pattern of a one year old?

It's exposure and boundaries. And I think when you allow a child to understand why the boundary is important, even if they're one, it goes a really, really, really long way.

Lainie Rowell: I love that. What is something that you can't share enough or you haven't had a chance to talk about yet?

It could be something you're super excited about with the book that you're like, I really hope people get this from it, but just something you're like, I would scream this from rooftops if I could.

Myriam Sandler: People ask me all the time, what is the perfect storage solution for X?

What is the perfect storage, just give me the link for the dolls, or give me the link for the blocks, or give me the link for the balls. And I'm always like, well, are your blocks small? Do you have 3? Do you have 75? Are your, are your dolls the LOL tiny dolls, or are they big American dolls? Like, like I need more information.

I can't just be like, here is a box. My toy storage glossary is epic! It's in the back of the book, and it literally guides you through every type of play. So dolls, balls, cars, dress up, etc. And I don't give you one, I give you several different type of storage solutions. So that you can find your ideal one.

And my hope with this book is that you don't go out and buy a whole bunch of stuff. My hope is that you'll be like, Oh, okay, so a box with a lid. I think I can pre purpose one of those. Like, like, you might already have that. And hey, you might need certain ones, right? But maybe you don't. Maybe you don't.

And the Toy Storage Glossary will help you so much through that. Sometimes you just need somebody to tell you, right? Like, just tell me how to fix this and the Toy Story Glossary just does that. It's really cool.

Lainie Rowell: I love that you give options. I remember I worked for Apple for about seven years as a consultant and anytime someone found out I worked for Apple, this was, you know, back when the iPhone was relatively new and the iPads were coming out, and so the first question they'd ask is, what apps should I get?

And I'm like I don't, can you tell me a little bit more about your lifestyle? I don't know, like, that's such a personal question.

Myriam Sandler: I agree.

Lainie Rowell: Yes, it's helpful when someone says, here, get this, but only if it fits your context or situation. So to be able to say like, well, here's some options that could work for you is really, really nice.

I like that you have this appreciation for that we're all different and we all have different contexts and situations.

Myriam Sandler: Yes. Imagine if we were all the same, how boring would that be? And all of our houses look the same and we all had the same stuff. Like that's just, that's a no. That's a no for me.

Lainie Rowell: Well, I really love what you're doing and that you're out there promoting independent play. I do think it's something that our kids desperately need. I think it's very easy, and I'm not standing on a soapbox like I have done this perfectly. Devices are a constant challenge at every age and stage, they are a challenge, but I do think when you're thoughtful and strategic, and I wish I knew some of these things when my kids were little, but it still applies to even them getting older, is how can we create the spaces for promoting that independent play so that they don't just go gravitate towards the device.

Myriam Sandler: Yeah, and that's something that I included actually in Playful by Design is a guide that you can come back to as your kids get older, but maybe when they're babies, you do one thing when they're toddlers, you do another and so on and so forth. There's even like a gaming section, like there's something for every family at every stage.

I was really adamant about doing that because our kids grow so fast, and they grow out of phases this fast, even though we feel like it lasts forever. It's so fast. I look at my 10 year old and I'm like, I don't understand where the adult came from. It just came out of my body. I don't understand.

But I had to include that in Playful by Design. I want it to be something that you come back to as your kids get older and your family dynamic changes.

Lainie Rowell: I love that you have that appreciation. I love that you did that in the book, Playful by Design, your stress free guide to raising confident creative kids through independent play.

So again, thank you for, really promoting the independent play. With my kids I'm promoting independence as much as possible, but also as an educator, I think that's such an important thing. We call it learner agency, and if this is happening at home, and that's happening at school, we're just going to have these kids who are so ready to take on the world and make it a better place.

Myriam Sandler: I agree. I agree. Resilience is really important and you get that through independence.

Lainie Rowell: What are the best ways for people to connect with you in your work?

Myriam Sandler: Well, you can find me many places, obviously social media at Mothercould anywhere. I'm on all the platforms. On my website, you can find all.

Things like a blog, add favorite Amazon finds, play recipes, activities. That's Mothercould.Com and my book is available everywhere books are sold, which is really great at Amazon, Target, Walmart.

Lainie Rowell: Very, very cool. Well, I'm super excited that by the time this is out, it's actually the day it's launching. This is out and people can get their copy now, and then make sure to catch  Myriam on all the socials on her website. I see a nice little plaque behind you.

Myriam Sandler: Yes!

Lainie Rowell: What's that for?

Myriam Sandler: I have YouTube! here, I have Amazon up there. It's my little shelf of achievements, I guess.

Lainie Rowell: That's very nice. Remind me what the YouTube one is for.

Myriam Sandler: The YouTube is 100,000 subscribers.

Lainie Rowell: Amazing. Amazing.

So excited.

Well, congratulations on that and all your success and the book that's now out. And I will put everything in the show notes so people are just one tap or touch away from connecting with you and staying connected to you.

Myriam Sandler: Thank you so much. This is wonderful.

Lainie Rowell: Thanks,  Myriam. Have a great day, and thank you all for listening.

Episode #134 - The Bold Gratitude Sleep Hack

Shownotes:

What if the key to better sleep isn’t another supplement, app, or expensive gadget—but something already in your head (and your heart)?

In this episode, I’m sharing my favorite nighttime ritual—one that’s simple, calming, and grounded in gratitude. It’s not just soothing… it’s science-backed. And it’s helped me fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer, and wake up feeling more like myself.

If your mind races at bedtime, this gentle shift might be the thing you didn’t know you needed. No pressure, no perfection—just a calming way to close your day with intention.

You’re gonna want to try it tonight.

And you can find the article on Thrive Global!

I hope you enjoy whatever adventure you choose!

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
X/Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Episode #133 - Sunita Sah on Redefining Defiance

Shownotes:

What if defiance wasn’t about rebellion—but about staying true to yourself when the pressure to comply is real? In this episode, Dr. Sunita Sah challenges everything we’ve been taught about obedience and reframes defiance as a skill—one we can practice, refine, and use to show up with integrity. This conversation will shift how you think about discomfort, doubt, and that gut feeling you’ve been trained to ignore. Because sometimes the boldest move isn’t saying yes—it’s knowing when (and how) to say no.

Thrive Global Article:

About Our Guest:

Dr. Sunita Sah investigates what makes us comply. She is an award-winning, tenured professor and organizational psychologist at Cornell University who has conducted groundbreaking research on defiance, advice, and influence.

A trained physician, she practiced medicine in the United Kingdom and worked as a management consultant for the pharmaceutical industry. She currently teaches executives, leaders, and students in healthcare and business. Dr. Sah is a sought-after international speaker and consultant, advisor to government agencies, and former Commissioner of the National Commission on Forensic Science. Her multidisciplinary research and analyses have been widely published in leading academic journals and media entities including The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Harvard Business Review, and Scientific American.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
X/Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Transcript:

Lainie Rowell: Dr. Sunita Sah, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for being here.

Sunita Sah: It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you for inviting me.

Lainie Rowell: I first came across your work when you were a guest on one of my favorite podcasts. And I'm going to be completely transparent that when I saw defiance in the title of this podcast, I almost skipped this episode because I had like a visceral reaction to the word defiance, but I challenged myself and I said, you're not going to grow unless you explore a topic that maybe doesn't resonate with you.

But when I heard you talk and when I went on to read your book, defy. I so strongly connected with your definition that is part of why I wanted to have this conversation with you today and share it with other people. So could you share with us how you define defiance and kind of what inspired you to reframe this concept.

Sunita Sah: Yeah, absolutely. It really came from my personal experience growing up and then also my professional research in this area. And when I was growing up, I remember asking my dad at some point, what does my name Sunita mean? And he told me Sunita in Sanskrit means good. And. What does that actually mean?

So to me, I mostly lived up to this idea of being good, which really meant being polite, being nice, doing as I'm told, obeying. It meant all these aspects of compliance. And a lot of us receive these types of messages, not just from parents, but from teachers and the community, is to be good, don't question authority, comply, do as you're told.

We start equating being compliant with being good, and being defiant with being bad. And when I delved into this a little bit more especially in my research, I found that there's some real serious problems of being so compliant, and we need to really rethink this. I really started to wonder, is it sometimes bad to be so good?

What do we sacrifice by being so compliant? And The Oxford English Dictionary definition of defiance is to challenge the power of somebody else boldly and openly. And I'm not one to normally disagree with the Oxford English Dictionary. I grew up in England after all, but I do think that definition is too narrow and it doesn't really honor our agency.

And my definition of defiance is that to defy is simply to act in accordance with your true values when there is pressure to do otherwise. And in this way, defiance becomes a proactive positive force in society. Because if you think about it, all our individual acts of compliance, of consent, of descent of defiance, they create the society that we live in.

So it really does affect our lives, our communities, our workplaces. And that's why I'm very passionate about understanding defiance and what it really means to live a life in alignment with our values.

Lainie Rowell: Well, yes. And I appreciate not wanting to challenge the Oxford English Dictionary. But I think for me and my kind of visceral reaction to that traditional definition is that it's very sharp.

It's kind of against others. And when I hear you talking about act in accordance with your values, to me, that could actually be on the other end of the spectrum and almost leading to pro social action. And I think that's kind of something that was a big takeaway for me in your book is recognizing that automatic compliance.

is not a good thing, necessarily.

Sunita Sah: Right, right, and we do. Because we're so trained to comply, we get all this training and compliance, and we don't get trained for defiance, we end up going along with things that we shouldn't. We end up being silent when we should be speaking up. And those serious problems that I was talking about, when you look at it, one survey found that nine out of 10 healthcare workers, most of them nurses, don't speak up when they see a colleague or a physician making a mistake.

And it's similar in other industries as well, like if you look at crew members on commercial airlines, only half of them spoke up when they noticed an error. And these are the situations we want people to be speaking up. We don't want them to just be so compliant and not say anything. And even if it's not life and death situations like the ones that I've described, if you're silent when you feel something is wrong, it can really be quite soul destroying, and yeah, I felt often drained and muted by going along with everybody else's expectations rather than following my own path and living by my own values, and that's why after studying this for so many years and finding that what is really crucial and really substantially changed how I think is that we have misunderstood what it means to defy.

And that's why we need this new definition of defiance. One that does really honor our agency and does talk about defiance as a proactive positive force.

Lainie Rowell: I appreciate that. You give so many beautiful examples in the book, and I'll ask you to share a couple stories. You mentioned healthcare. You trained to be a doctor, you became a medical doctor, and then you shifted gears. And I'd love for you to share any of that. One of the things from my background that I was thinking about, having been a classroom teacher, and you said there's life or death examples, but there's everyday examples.

And one everyday example was I was giving my second graders a test. One of my students walks up and she says, this question is wrong. There's not a correct answer for this. And I'm so embarrassed to say this. I kind of quickly dismissed her and sent her back to her seat and said, No, no, no, it's right. I hadn't created the test, but I was so, so confident this test was right.

And then she walked away and then I kind of quickly looked at and I go, Oh my gosh, she's totally right. There is an error in this test. So I called her back apologize profusely, but I was so proud of her for standing up because that's a really hard thing to do. She's a second grader. She's like eight years old, Davanna.

I mean, she's probably married with kids now, but she was so, so strong to come up and be like, this is not right. And I was just really impressed with that.

Sunita Sah: Yeah, that is very impressive that she could do that because so often we're told not to and so that tension that I spoke about a little bit, I call, you know, it's the first stage of defiance when we think that we might have to defy, so many of us disregard it and we sweep it away thinking it's not worth our doubt, not worth our anxiety, that somebody else probably knows better, but really listening to that tension is very important, so that is very impressive that a second grader could do that.

Lainie Rowell: And every second grader in that school was taking that test. No one else said anything, not the like 20 some odd, you know, almost 30 other kids in my class, not my next door teacher's class. So yeah, it's super impressive. What is something in your life where you felt you either trusted that tension or maybe you didn't trust that tension and you wish you had?

Sunita Sah: Oh, yeah. So many things that, I mean, this is what led me to the research that, that tension was there quite a lot of the time when I didn't speak up or when I did speak up or when I went along with something or I didn't go along with something. So every kind of act of compliance or defiance I would say defiance starts with this element of tension.

Because if we comply, sometimes we just go along with it without thinking. We just slide into it because it is our default response, that is, that our brains have become wired to comply. And you were asking, like, in terms of my career, well, one of those aspects of, of doing medicine was because of expectations.

There was this strong sort of message that in my community, medicine is the best thing that you can do, why wouldn't you want to do it? And I had the grades. So I, I went along and I did medicine until I realized the career that I really wanted was to analyze some of these aspects in more detail.

And so it took a few steps to get to where I want to be and doing the research that I want. But that element of tension sort of stayed with me, even being trained as a doctor. I remember when I moved from the UK to the US, I had this central chest pain one day and I'd never felt any pain like it. And so of course, I was worried about something sort of cardiovascular.

And I went to the emergency room and immediately I was whisked through triage and they started conducting lots of tests on me including an electrocardiogram and luckily everything was fine and the pain was going away so I was relieved and I thought I was going to be discharged, but the doctor said oh before you go I want you to have a CT scan and I asked why because I thought my heart is fine, that's what I was worried about, I'm just going to go now.

And she said, no, I just want to check that you don't have a pulmonary embolism. Now, a pulmonary embolism is a blood clot in the lungs. And having worked in respiratory medicine in the UK, I know that it produces a particular type of pain that we call pleuritic chest pain. So, it catches like the pleura of the lungs, of the lining of the lungs, and it catches your breath, a sharp pain when you breathe in and you breathe out.

That wasn't the type of pain that I was experiencing, so I was pretty sure I did not have a pulmonary embolism and I wanted to go back home and just be discharged, and yet I couldn't say no. I found it very difficult. I knew that the CT scan as well gives you about 70 times more on average radiation than an x ray, and that can cause problems down the line.

It's still a small amount, but why take ionizing radiation if you don't need to? And so, I should have said no, and yet, just because the doctor told me to, I found it very difficult to do that. And so I ended up having the CT scan, even though I felt that tension, I just thought, you know what, I'm just gonna go along with it.

And I thought the tension would go away, but it didn't. It actually made me feel worse and it grew and I experienced a lot of regret from it. But we often do that. Like our moments of defiance of saying no really come after many times when we've complied before. And that's okay. You know, we should have less shame and judgment over that and just learn how we can defy because it would have been safe for me to defy in that situation.

Medicine is all about informed consent. After all, I had the knowledge and the understanding. And yet, even in that situation with the knowledge and understanding, I found it very difficult and I realized I need to train myself for defiance.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, I think that's. One of the things that really kind of stuck with me reading your book is that even when we know the right thing, we just sometimes don't stick up for ourselves or stick up for what the right thing to do is.

You give a really compelling and tragic example in the book. You talk about the Challenger disaster, and I wondered if you'd be comfortable sharing what happened there. I very much remember when the Challenger exploded. I did not know the backstory.

Sunita Sah: Yes. So with the Challenger disaster, it's one of the cases that I actually teach my executive students now.

And this was way back in, I think, 1985.

NASA had contracted Morton Thiokol, an aerospace firm, that were hired to build the rocket boosters for the space shuttle program. And five of the engineers, around five, had concerns about the O rings, or the rubber seals, that in cold weather, that they might deteriorate. And so they had officially recommended not to launch the Challenger space shuttle that day.

Even though they had some data at that particular point in time, they didn't present all the data that they could have. And so it wasn't convincing to NASA and because of the massive publicity of that launch, the first teacher in space, the pressure to launch and not wait again and cancel it they ended up going along with the launch, like the management team basically told the engineers put on your management hat, not your engineering hat, whatever that means. But there was a lot of pressure for Morton Thiokol to reverse their decision, which they ended up doing, even though some of the engineers still really were against it. And I remember one of the engineers was driving on the day and telling them and shouting that, and there's going to be a disaster.

Sunita Sah: And of course there was. And yet even then, things were difficult for them after the Challenger rocket blew up. So in these situations, it's really hard to say no, or something is wrong. And there's a lot of pressure to go along with things, often from management, because they don't want to hear about problems.

They had to basically give evidence that something was going to go wrong, rather than just saying that there's a risk, you know, that all might not be right. And because of that, we often say silent is usually just one person or a handful of people as it was in Morton Thiokol that speak up, which makes it even more difficult because you're kind of isolated in those situations.

And none of the engineers regret speaking up. In fact, the only thing they regret is that if they could have done more. And so these situations stay with us. And it's really important to learn how to speak up and say something. It might not be effective as in this situation, but it's important that we do register those concerns.

Lainie Rowell: It's almost a little bit of a step back, but I do want to talk about Milgram's experiment. Because we could not do this experiment today. It is not considered an ethical experiment, I think, because of some of the fallout afterwards. But I would love to hear how this resonated with you.

Sunita Sah: Yes, absolutely. So during my medical training, which at the time was a five year combined undergraduate and graduate degree in the UK, I took a year out to do what they call an intercalated degree in psychology.

So they basically throw you in the fourth year of psychology and ask you to catch up four years. But I loved that year, I was really fascinated by the research. And it's the first time I came across some Milgrams obedience to authority studies or what we call the electric shock experiments. Now Milgram conducted these in the early 1960s at Yale, and he was really fascinated to examine whether this reframe after World War II from the Nazis, I was just following orders, was really a psychological reality for a lot of people or not. And he thought it was something unique about the German culture, so he did not think that he would find people obeying authority in America.

And he called people in, members of the community, to take part in something that was delivered to be a memory experiment? Does giving people electric shocks and harming them actually improve memory and help them learn better? Now there wasn't an actual shock being administered, but the participants thought that they were, they were sat in front of a big machine complicated looking machines that started with sort of 15 volts and then went up in 15 volt increments all the way up to 450 volts, which was labeled XXX, sort of danger, severe shock.

And every time the person that they were paired with that they called the learner who was in another room that was just an actor, but they thought it was somebody else from the community. Every time that learner got something wrong in this experiment, so if they read out some word pairs and they got something wrong, then they would have to give them an electric shock.

And if the teacher, the person administering the shocks, the participant, if they protested, the experimenter in the room would give them some prompts, such as, please go on, the experiment requires you to continue, it's absolutely essential that you continue, and you have no choice, you must go on. And even though the prediction from psychiatrists was that most would not continue after 150 volts, when the learner started protesting and saying that they didn't want to do it, they said even less would continue after 300 volts, and only about one in a hundred would go up to 450 volts.

What they found was that every single person pulled the lever at 150 volts. Every single person pulled the lever at 300 volts and 65% pulled the lever for 450 volts. The deadly top halt. Milgram himself caused, called the people that obeyed the obedient subjects and the people that didn't obey and refused to go on the defiant subjects.

So now we're also seeing defiance as a positive act, a pro social act for other people. And I found that fascinating for several reasons because Milgram conducted many different variations of this experiment. But, he did neatly put people in this obedient and defiant box. However, when I looked at the people that were obedient, I found that they had many signs of nervous laughter they were sweating, they were stuttering.

They displayed these signs of tension that I spoke about. That is the first stage of defiance. It wasn't that they were happy to go up to 450 volts. They were really trying to resist. They just didn't know how to resist. And that's the important aspect. It was like I have often found myself in those situations where I have that tension, I have that throat constricting, I have the dry mouth, I even have the nervous laughter and what I call my crocodile smile, that I will just smile and go along with it.

But that doesn't mean that I want to. And it's just that I hadn't really practiced. My skill set to defy and I didn't know how to. What was also fascinating is looking at the people that could defy and what enabled them to defy. So there's a lot that we can get out of those experiments and we don't need to say that the obedient subjects were moral imbeciles the way that Milgram had described them.

They were people that probably wanted to defy but just didn't have either the confidence, the knowledge or the ability to be able to defy.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, and one of the cases, they said that the man had a heart disease or like a heart condition.

Sunita Sah: That's right. So knowing that the man had a heart condition, that he was pounding on the wall, that he was saying that he didn't want to continue anymore and asking to be released from the experiment.

And then after one point, I think the 300 volts, there was just silence. And so they had no idea what had happened in the other room. And yet they, some of them continued to pull that lever.

Lainie Rowell: It's a fascinating study. And one of the things that is quite unusual, especially I think we've gotten better about getting more diversity in our experiments, but for a long time, and in a lot of cases, the subjects were psychology students.

So to get a cross section where it's people from all different aspects of community, I thought was really interesting. So how do you get to a point where you feel that agency that you have the power to say no. So what are some ways that we can practice saying no so that we become, you know, firm and values driven?

Sunita Sah: Yeah, so two of the biggest things that you need to be able to say no is first of all, taking responsibility for your actions. And then how do we develop the skill set? Because the skill set really does drive our confidence and our ability to say no, and the responsibility aspect is really important because one of the reasons that Milgram explained many people complied with the experimenter's instructions is because they didn't feel responsible, or they were trying to displace their responsibility to the experimenter. So a few participants did that. They were like, who's responsible? And if it's the experimenter, that's okay. But it's the people that actually feel responsible. And there were people in the experiment that said, I don't want to be responsible for harming the other person.

You shouldn't just give your responsibility away, or give away your agency and power to someone else. And some of my recent research on what I call the kicking yourself syndrome is that even if somebody else tells you to do something, even if you predict that you're going to feel less responsible, less regret, you're going to blame yourself less if somebody else is telling you to do something, I actually find that people will feel more responsible, more regret, and they blame themselves more if they go along with something against their better judgment. It's because you have these what psychologists called counterfactual thoughts, which is really like, what if I hadn't done that? If only I hadn't done that, because I knew better.

And so you can't actually get rid of that responsibility in the end, even if you predict that you will. So it's best not to run away from it and really think about, I'm the one that's causing harm. Yeah. And so what can we do to practice? There's many things that we can do to practice and it really is about starting small.

If you are not used to being defiant, if you've never been trained for defiant, we want to find some small situations where we can start practicing our defiance. So it could just be in small situations like telling the taxi driver I think you're going the wrong way, you know, let's go this way.

Because often when we're in that back of that taxi and they're taking the long route. You don't want to say anything and that's that's due to a psychological process I call insinuation anxiety, which is also a very powerful force that keeps us silent and compliant.

Lainie Rowell: So we got to start by practicing small so we kind of build up that like defiance muscle, if you will, is that fair to say, and on things that are maybe not so significant that it's going to feel really, really hard to do so that when we do get in those moments where we're finding something that doesn't align with our values, we have built up that muscle and we've got the strength to be like, I'm taking responsibility for this and I can say no to this.

Sunita Sah: Exactly. And one of the ways that we can really build that muscle it is starting small, but it's also anticipating. It's making defiance a practice because we find it very difficult to behave the way that we want in a certain situation if we haven't practiced for it. And so we can start anticipating it.

A lot of the common situations, especially at work, for example, can be anticipated because you can imagine me tell you about, cause I mentioned insinuation anxiety as well. So there was one scenario that always resonates with me, perhaps because I'm a faculty member, but there was a junior faculty member a woman who joined this committee with four senior men, and the committee was put together to assess grant applications.

And in that committee at one point with one particular applicant who was a black man, the conversation turned, she said, and instead of discussing the quality of the application and the credentials of the applicant, it turned to some negative gossip, and she thought she should say something. But she ended up not saying anything and after the meeting, she said the one thing that she wanted to say was the one thing that she couldn't because she said meeting these people for the first time, she didn't want to imply or question their integrity or imply that they were corrupt or unethical or lacking integrity in any way.

That is classic insinuation anxiety. We don't want to imply that somebody else is untrustworthy or incompetent. And that's what keeps us silent. It's why I don't speak up at the back of a taxi cab to tell them, aren't you taking the long route? You know, it's very, very hard. But what we can start to do, first of all, is First recognize that feeling, that tension that we have when we feel insinuation anxiety, name it, because just naming it helps us able to, to manage it.

And then start thinking about these situations that we might encounter. And as I said, most of the things that we encounter at work often can be predicted because we've been in those situations before and we've complied and that's okay. Because now we have some regret, we can start thinking about that and thinking about what we wish we had said.

So if we anticipate it, we visualize it, and then we practice by scripting it out and role playing, that's the thing that changes our neural pathways, that changes our default response. And we're practicing before the moment of crisis, because we can't just will ourselves to act in that particular situation.

So if you're in Milgram's experiment, this is a weird kind of place to be. We're surprised we haven't been in the situation before, but if we practiced for defiance and we can connect with our values, there were two people that stood out for me as defiant subjects in that experiment. So one was a professor of the Old Testament that was very much connected with his values for humanity and not harming someone else.

And that allowed him to defy and question the experimenter. And even when it went to the the fourth prompt where they're saying you have no choice, you must go on. And the professor actually responded with "maybe in Russia, but not here." And so he was able to defy. And he was very well connected with his values.

The other was an engineer and he knew how harmful these electric shocks could be. And so he stopped complying as well. He had actually grown up in world war two and here, he thought this was a really important point as to how people might harm other people. And so he felt bad that he had gone on as long as he could, and that he should have taken responsibility much, much earlier, so taking responsibility and then practicing so we can change our neural pathways are the two elements to learn how to defy.

Lainie Rowell: That's so helpful. So actionable, so practical. And I'm thinking about how we can help other people with this too. I clearly was so proud of Devana, but it took me a minute to catch up to where she was. And I wonder how can we, as educators, as parents, and leaders in organizations, how do we help other people where we don't want it to be like where someone's combative all the time and never cooperative, but we do want them to speak up when there's a real problem. And we do want them to take that responsibility and then speak up. What do we do in those situations where we're trying to kind of give that, well, everyone has the agency, but having people actually own their agency, that sounds redundant, but you know what I mean?

Sunita Sah: Yeah, absolutely. I know what you mean. Yes. In work situations, people don't speak up due to two main reasons that I've found in my research. And one is that they don't feel safe.

They feel that there's going to be some repercussions or consequences for speaking up. The other reason that I found and this was from interviewing nurses as to why they don't speak up is that it's not that they feel unsafe, but that they've spoken up many times before and nothing changes. So it's not effective.

So the two questions that people are asking when they're thinking about speaking up at work is, is it safe? And is it effective? So what leaders can do and what managers can do is create the type of environment where it becomes very apparent that it's safe. That they're also displaying this to their own bosses.

You know, it is safe to speak up. You're not going to be penalized if you say something. And that they're going to act on it. Not just ignore it, but they're going to do something about what you're telling them. So they're really important aspects of changing the culture. And you can start with your immediate team, right?

Because that is what you can influence. And also display defiance yourself in a positive way. And when you mention as well with children, we do, we often slip back again to thinking about defiance as something negative. And, you know, some, someone's a defiant child. That's not viewed as a positive thing.

Yes. They might be oppositional, but I can talk more about that. And what I think about what we call false defiance, which is really someone doing the opposite of what you tell them, which you might see in children. You might see in teenagers, if you've got a teenager and really what I found in that situation I have a teenager and, you know, a few years ago, he would do the exact opposite of what I asked him.

And if you really think about that, is that defiance? The way that I define it, which is acting in accordance with your values when there's pressure to do otherwise. No, if you're doing the exact opposite of what I want, you're actually still being influenced by an external source. You're still almost complying, but you're doing the opposite.

So you're listening very intently to what I want and then doing the opposite of that. So it's still externally imposed. Right? It's not coming from within. And both consent and defiance come from our own values and what we want. That's what is a true yes and a true no. And for children, what we need to remember is that we train them so much for compliance and obedience, we don't give them the same training in defiance.

And we can, we can start to encourage them that if they see something unfair. Like children, especially those with siblings, know a lot about fairness. If they see something unfair at school, they should say something. Like, you know, this person's being excluded from the group. They should speak up and they can start training for defiance in those aspects.

That's why it's so impressive when that second grader came to you. And was able to say that and great that you went back to her and praised her for doing so and calling it out because as you see, the rest of the class did not, because we either assume that they know better, or maybe they didn't know the answer to the question, but even if we do, and we think something is wrong, we often stay quiet because we think surely the other person knows better or I'm going to get into trouble, or somebody's going to get mad at me if I say something, and so they don't say anything.

Lainie Rowell: Well, so I do have a teenager. I've got a 14 year old and an 11 year old, so false defiance all day long. But sweet, sweet human. But yes, still the false defiance there. And I've got an 11 year old, and he's coming in strong with it as well.

He actually will probably end up being an attorney. So he makes some really compelling cases. But. I wanted to say that one of the things that I have seen in schools more recently over the years is they promote being an upstander, someone who stands up for others who are being bullied and so I do see it getting into schools more and I think there's even more opportunities to really empower that agency through responsibility and skill set. And I'm even imagining, like, you've given me an idea as you were talking about, like, anticipating and practicing. It's like, I can see myself, like, in the car on the way to a meeting where I know there might be some, some friction.

Like, what can I anticipate saying? I can even practice it in the car before I get, so that I feel more confident in speaking up.

Sunita Sah: Yeah, absolutely. And there's this wonderful quote that really brings home the importance of that practice, which is often attributed to Bruce Lee, but was actually from a Greek poet that said, under duress, we don't rise to the level of our expectations, but we fall to the level of our training.

And that really goes like, sometimes we can just sit back and say, Oh, I wouldn't have done that. I would have spoken up. I would have said something. And yet it's fine to say that from afar, but when you're actually in that situation, unless you practice for it, you don't that might be our aspirational selves.

It might be our expectations, but we can't get there unless we have practiced and changed our default wiring.

Lainie Rowell: Beautiful. Okay, is there something that you can't share enough, or maybe you haven't even had a chance to share before?

Like, you shout it from the rooftops.

Sunita Sah: Yes. One thing, if we're thinking about what you need to do next to find your own power of defiance. Yes, we need to practice, but the first, it starts with this mindset shift, because we often think about defiance as being really loud, bold, violent, aggressive, or we think about it as being heroic or superhuman or out of reach.

And I say you don't have to be brave, right? You don't have to have a self concept of being a superhero or having a strong personality or being larger than life. It isn't just for the brave or the extraordinary. Defiance is available and necessary for all of us. It's simply a skill set that we can choose to utilize.

So you can do it in your own unique way. You don't need to do it in the same way as anyone else. You can do it in your own unique way with far less stress and anxiety and angst that we used to have. So, that mindset shift of thinking about defiance as a particular thing, a negative thing, a loud thing, an aggressive thing, we want to dispel with that myth.

Defiance can be quiet, it can be subtle, it can be done in a way that's more natural for us.

Lainie Rowell: Oh my goodness, mic drop. And, oh, there's so much more. I really hope people will check out your book because it really stretched my thinking and I'm going to just give myself a little pat on the back that I listened to the podcast episode, I got past that word defiance and learned a much better, in my opinion, definition for the word defiance.

And I really do think that it is a great way to be more pro social and to do the right thing that's in alignment with our values. We didn't even get to quiet defiance. You you've mentioned it, but there's so much more. Check out the book. And then Sunita, you are a delight. Would you please tell people how they can stay connected with you?

Cause if they're like me, they're a big fan and they just want to be able to get more of your wisdom.

Sunita Sah: Oh, absolutely. Thank you so much. This was such a pleasure to be on your podcast. People can connect with me. You can go to my website, which is SunitaSah.Com. That's S U N I T A S A H dot com. And I also have a free newsletter.

So if people want to stay up to date with the latest research on this, and we have stories of defiance from the readers of the newsletter, it's called Defiant by Design. And it's on Substack. You'll also find that on my website as well as connecting with me on LinkedIn and Instagram.

Lainie Rowell: Sunita, it has really been, like I said, a pleasure, you're a delight and I can't wait to get this out there.

So thank you for being here and thank you all for listening.

Sunita Sah: Thank you so much.

Episode #132 - Our Minds Can Lie to Us: Why Connecting with Others Matters More Than We Think

Shownotes:

Think staying in your bubble is the safer, easier choice? Turns out, your brain might be lying to you.

In this episode, we explore what research really says about connection—and why a quick chat with a stranger might just be the happiness boost you didn’t know you needed. From cocktail parties to elevator rides, we’re flipping the script on awkward small talk and uncovering the power of bold questions that build real trust.

You’ll hear insights from Charles Duhigg, Dr. Robert Waldinger, and the study I bring up at almost every gathering (yes, I’m that kind of nerd—and it works).

If you’re craving more joy, deeper connection, and a fresh way to show up in everyday moments—this one’s for you.

And you can find the article on Thrive Global!

I hope you enjoy whatever adventure you choose!

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Episode #131 - Gretchen Rubin on Secrets of Adulthood

Shownotes:

What if the best life advice didn’t come in a long-winded lecture—but in one short sentence that actually sticks?

In this episode, Gretchen Rubin—New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness Project and Secrets of Adulthood—shares the bold, memorable truths that can shift how we show up every day. From reframing procrastination to recognizing how our senses shape our gratitude, Gretchen breaks down big ideas in a way that’s instantly usable.

We also dive into her Four Tendencies framework (you’ll want to take the quiz!) and how to stop hiding behind busyness and start living with more clarity, intention, and joy.

This isn’t a to-do list—it’s a mindset shift. And it starts with one simple phrase: “The bird, the bee, and the bat all fly—but they use different kinds of wings.”

Let’s figure out your wings—and fly your way.

Thrive Global Article:

About Our Guest:

Gretchen Rubin is one of today’s most influential and thought-provoking observers of happiness and human nature. She’s known for her ability to convey complex ideas—from science to literature to stories from her own life—with levity and clarity.

She’s the author of many bestselling books, such as The Happiness Project, Better Than Before, and The Four Tendencies, which have sold millions of copies in more than thirty languages. Her most recent book is Life in Five Senses.

She’s also host of the popular podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubinand founder of award-winning Happier app, which helps people track their happiness-boosting habits.

Gretchen Rubin has been interviewed by Oprah, eaten dinner with Nobel Prize-winner Daniel Kahneman, walked arm-in-arm with the Dalai Lama, had her work reported on in a medical journal, been written up in the New Yorker, and been an answer on Jeopardy! After starting her career in law, she realized she wanted to be a writer while she was clerking for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. Raised in Kansas City, she lives in New York City with her family.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Transcript:

Lainie Rowell: Well, welcome. I can't even believe I'm saying this. Welcome Gretchen Rubin.

Gretchen Rubin: Well, I'm so happy to be talking to you today. Thank you for having me.

Lainie Rowell: First of all, I love the whimsy and the novelty that you bring into everything you do. And I just wanted to start with sharing one example of how you've brought that to my life.

And I wanted to share with you my own little Muse Machine.

Gretchen Rubin: Oh, I love it. It's in a Rolodex too.

That's the best way. Oh my gosh. So what's in your Muse Machine?

Lainie Rowell: Would you be okay sharing your muse machine story? And then I'll tell you what's in mine.

Gretchen Rubin: Yes. Okay. So I had two things kind of going simultaneously. One is as a person who's creative, I started creating a list of kind of these enigmatic statements that somehow helped me move forward or come up with an idea and sometimes these ideas came from somebody else like a friend of mine said that when She was writing her PhD thesis She put a sticky note on her computer that said down with boredom and I was like, oh my gosh It's like one of my things to skip the boring part So I'm writing a biography Winston Churchill, but I could just skip the boring parts And so I've gathered this huge collection of these things, but I do this all the time.

I'll write Big collections and do and then I sort of forget that I have it. I'm constantly stumbling across some like giant document that I forgot that I worked on for three years. But anyway, so I was home visiting my parents in Kansas City, Missouri, and my father's old Rolodex from like 1000 years ago when he was a lawyer with like, you know, a real phone and all that old technology.

And I loved just the physicality of the Rolodex and like turning the pages and just the way it even felt in my hands. It was just, it was such a pleasing form. And then I had the idea of putting my ideas on a Rolodex so that when I needed to give myself a prompt, I could just choose one at random and I got the name Muse Machine because I go to the Met every day.

Ever since I wrote my book, Life in Five Senses, I visit the Metropolitan Museum every day and there's this beautiful ceramic ink stand covered with muses and poets and artists. And I was looking at it one day and I'm like, wow, if you're an artist, that's what you need. You need like a bunch of muses right there to call on whenever you want.

And then I thought, oh, muse machine. And then I thought, oh, that's what I'll call my, my and I ended up just turning it into a deck of like a card deck because for me to manufacture it because now it's for sale in my shop, it was too hard to have an actual Rolodex, but it looks like you have a handmade one.

So tell me your process. Well, that's super fun.

Lainie Rowell: The one that's available on your website is stunning. Like it's really, really pretty.

Gretchen Rubin: Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's very beautiful. Yeah,

Lainie Rowell: it's very beautiful, so I want to collect words. I'm a word collector, inspired by Peter Reynolds, like he has a whole book called The Word Collector, which I read to my children, and I just love this idea of collecting words as a writer, so that when you get stumped or you just want a creative thing, and I love to put two words together that don't normally go together, that convey an original idea.

Gretchen Rubin: I have a collection of those.

Lainie Rowell: That doesn't surprise me. And by the way, I am very familiar with your work, but you are prolific. I can't keep up, but I'm working on it.

Gretchen Rubin: So I want to hear some of these combinations. How fabulous.

Lainie Rowell: Well, so one of them, I actually turned into the title of my guided gratitude journal.

So it says bold gratitude. And there's a little play on the fact that it's like meant to be an artistic journal if you want it to be . So I tend to just put words in here that, I think I want to play with down the road. So, for example, under F is famished. And the example is time famished.

But like, what are other ways that we could be famished? And so I just love these words. I have. Mm. Right? Isn't that fun? And then

Gretchen Rubin: It is very true that there are words that are powerful and words that are not powerful. And I know that because I started my career in law, like a lot of very abstract terms do not have power.

And the more concrete you get, the more power. And like famished is a powerful word. Much more than even something like depleted.

Lainie Rowell: Right.

Gretchen Rubin: And I run into this with, I don't know about you as a writer, but there are often words where, like the word purport, I was working on aphorisms. I wrote a whole book of aphorisms, but I'm still writing more aphorisms.

And I was like, the word purport is exactly the word that I need, but it's not a strong word. It's not a familiar word. So how do I get where I wanna go? But maybe don't use purport even though I, I appreciate its exactitude. Mm-hmm . It's slightly fancy.

Lainie Rowell: That's so true. It's so true. So sometimes I'm wanting to go more basic.

Sometimes I'm wanting to go more fancy. But it's like you said.

Gretchen Rubin: More elevated. Okay, so what are some more? Just look through it and read them out loud. I can't, I cannot wait. I think this is, I love this idea.

Lainie Rowell: This is about you, but okay. I'll just give you like a couple more. I loved the idea of using a word like dusted or dappled.

Especially dappled.

Gretchen Rubin: Okay, stippled.

Lainie Rowell: Stippled.

Gretchen Rubin: Stipple is like when you're dabbing. So it's in the dapple.

Lainie Rowell: It's in the family.

Gretchen Rubin: Dusted, yeah. So, yeah. Stipple. Just learned that word.

Lainie Rowell: Oh, my goodness. And I mean, I just was so inspired by you. I actually not to be like a stalker, but in washi tape on the side it says inspired by Gretchen Rubin.

Gretchen Rubin: Oh, well thank you. I appreciate that gold star.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. And then sometimes I like to put Just funny things that I want to make sure, like, hey, could I ever work this into, like, "don't threaten me with a good time" or "over your skis". So sometimes it's words, sometimes it's more like sayings. But it's just kind of like, when I'm stuck and I need some inspiration, what are some words or some sayings that will get me excited to write?

Gretchen Rubin: I love it. I love it.

Lainie Rowell: There's so many things we could talk about. We're definitely going to talk about your new book, Secrets of Adulthood. And I do want to start with, how did a routine eye exam turn into Life in Five Senses?

Very powerful book for me.

Gretchen Rubin: Oh. Oh, I'm so happy to hear that. Oh gosh. I loved writing Life in Five Senses. Yeah, so I woke up with a case of pink eye and you know, usually pink eye goes away on its own but this was a very bad case pink eye so I went to the eye doctor and he checked me out and set me on my way and just as I was leaving the office he said well Be sure you don't miss your regular checkup because as you know, you're more at risk for losing your vision and I was like No, I was not aware of that.

What are you talking about? And he said, yeah, you're extremely nearsighted, which I am. And so you're at much higher risk for having a detached retina. And if that happens, that can cost you your vision. So we would want to catch that right away. And I have a friend who lost some of his vision to a detached retina.

So that, to me, felt like a threat that I could really understand. And so I walked out of his office and I live in New York City, so I had walked to there and I was getting ready to walk home. And I just realized, you know, on the one hand, of course, I could still have a rich, happy life, even if I lost one of my senses.

But I also realized how much I love my sense of sight and my senses. And yet I just completely take them for granted. Like I'm out there, I'm looking at the landscape around me, the city landscape that I love so much. And I think I did not notice one thing on my way here. I'm just stuck in my head. I am like, you know, I'll be on the most beautiful beach at sunset and I'm thinking about how to rewrite a paragraph in my head. And yet all of this beautiful world is happening. And as I started walking home, it was like everything in my head got turned up to 11. Like I could hear every, every sound, I could smell every smell, and New York City is quite smelly. Like, I could feel, the ground under my feet, and the wind everything just felt so vivid and alive.

It was like psychedelic. But then as I got to my apartment door, I thought, this is happening all the time. I just stopped paying any attention to it, and I thought, okay. For me, research is me search, and I always write the book that I need to read. That's my approach, and I thought, okay, I really have to understand my five senses.

And, oh my gosh, that was just a joy to explore that subject.

Lainie Rowell: Indulge me please, I want to tell you why, there's a couple reasons why this book is very important to me. One is, I can very much relate. So hearing is an issue in my family. So I'm deaf in my right ear and it's been like my whole life.

I've struggled to hear, which, you know, it's so amazing how you can go your whole life with a sense and not realize how much you would miss it if it was gone, like how isolating it could be to be deaf and not be able to participate in conversations the way that other people can, or to lose your vision, not be able to see those things.

And like you said, you can still lead a full life, but it's just so easy to take these things for granted. So that's one reason. I mean, I just, I so connected to that example of what if you lost your vision or what if you lost your hearing? So that was really powerful to me.

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah. Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Were you just born with it or did it without it or did it, was it like a condition?

Lainie Rowell: It's interesting because my dad was a pilot for 30 plus years. So he is very hard of hearing because of being on those jets. So it's not like it's hereditary, but we both have significant hearing loss.

I'm so happy for this. I like kissed this year. Thank you. Mm-hmm . Yes. And, and there's some friends who are very accommodating at dinner parties that mm-hmm . They know to seat me with no one on my right.

Gretchen Rubin: Right? Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lainie Rowell: But Life In Five Senses one of the other reasons is 'cause gratitude is something that I write and speak about.

It's so profoundly important to me. And I actually think your example of the eye exam... there's one of my favorite practices called counterfactual thinking. Or mental subtraction, where you actually, as a gratitude practice, go through and think about something important, or someone important, remove that thing, or that person, and imagine your life without it.

So, to me, it was almost like Life in Five senses was kind of your counterfactual thinking practice.

Gretchen Rubin: No, absolutely. It's one of the things about human nature is that we often don't appreciate something until we lose it, or until we are threatened with the loss of it. So it's a very sound practice to say, Well, I don't have to wait.

That's kind of what I did with life of my senses. I don't have to wait until these things are really like slipping away from me. I can appreciate them now. So I think that's that's a great. That's a great practice.

Lainie Rowell: I love Life in Five Senses. I mean, I just want people to go read it.

If they haven't already, but is there anything from that that you just really want to share now that it's been out for like a couple of years? Right?

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah. Yeah. Well, here's a really fun thing. So if you go to my site, GretchenRubin.Com and you go to the quiz, so just go to GretchenRubin.com/quiz.

There's a quiz there called What's Your Neglected Sense? And I created this once the book sort of went out into the world because what I found is for me, and also for a lot of other people, there's some senses that we really enjoy and like one or two that we neglect. So the one that we enjoy, like we explore, we use it to have adventures, we use it to connect with other people, like we take great joy in it.

But then there's ones where you're like, You're kind of more aware of the negative than the positive. You're not trying to learn new things or use it to connect with other people. And so it's really helpful to take this quiz and learn your neglected sense, because then you have a lot of low hanging fruit.

So like for me, surprisingly, because it's very popular with a lot of people, my neglected sense is taste. Like I'm not really a foodie. Like, I eat the same food every day. I'm kind of a picky eater. I don't eat sugar. So there's a lot of food that I just like don't eat at all. And probably the reason why it was easy for me to give up sugar is because I'm not much of a foodie, but even for someone like me, I did all these things to kind of like deepen my enjoyment and appreciation for my sense of taste.

And it added so much to my life. I had all these great adventures and, and, and now I just appreciate it so much. And so what I would just say to your point, like thinking about how much you gain from these and then, at least in the Western tradition, there's a lot of people kind of treat scent as kind of, kind of a bonus thing.

Like it doesn't really matter. It's kind of nice to have. But it actually, if you lose your sense of smell, it really affects your sense of well being. And sadly, because of COVID, I think people are much more aware and much more grateful for their sense of smell than they were before when they just always had it and always took it for granted.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, and if you're someone like me who gets allergies, I feel like I'm sharing a lot of ailments today, but if you lose your sense for that, you start to realize how important it is for taste.

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah, well, it's absolutely connected to taste. There's some fun exercises. I talk in the book, how you can explore that.

Because yeah, you don't realize how much the taste is, is the smell.

Lainie Rowell: Well, and I love the idea of a signature scent and you just did such a beautiful job. By the way, you mentioned your website. This is like Disneyland, like go the website.

Gretchen Rubin: Oh, aren't you nice to say?

Lainie Rowell: So it is so fun. I love going to your website 'cause there is so many resources. It's article, activities and I love,

Gretchen Rubin: there's a lot there. Yes,

Lainie Rowell: there's a lot. GretchenRubin.com/quiz.

Gretchen Rubin: Or just do Gretchen Rubin quiz. Just search for that.

Lainie Rowell: There's a lot of quizzes.

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah, but the Neglected Sense quiz is what is really fun because it's really cool the way it comes up. The most popular quiz is the Four Tendencies quiz. Are you in a upholder, questioner, obliger or rebel? That's my most popular. I think that's the biggest, like, aha that people get is from that, but you know, the neglected sense is super fun.

And I have other ones too. I love a quiz because I love self knowledge and self knowledge is so hard. Sometimes we need help getting self knowledge.

Lainie Rowell: And I want to make sure we get to Secrets of Adulthood, but if you do want to talk about the Four Tendencies, I will say I am an upholder.

Gretchen Rubin: Okay.

Lainie Rowell: I did take the test. I lean obliger.

Gretchen Rubin: Okay, good to know.

Lainie Rowell: But the Four Tendencies, what is that framework helpful for?

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah, I'll do the nutshell version. Cause again, you can take the quiz and then you'll get a report that tells you what you are and kind of what it means, but it's so obvious.

Once, you know, these, they are very obvious. And so a lot of people don't even need to take the quiz. They know what they are already. We can do the Game of Thrones characters. We can do The Office. Better Call Saul. They're everywhere. Once you know what to look for. So what it looks at is a very narrow but very significant aspect of your personality.

So it looks at how you respond to expectations. And there are two kinds of expectations. Outer expectations, like a work deadline. And inner expectations, like your own desire to have a gratitude journal. So depending on whether you meet or resist outer and inner expectations. That's what makes you an upholder, like the two of us, a questioner, an obliger, or a rebel.

So upholders are people who readily meet outer and inner expectations. They meet the work deadline. They keep the gratitude journal without much fuss. So their motto is discipline is my freedom. They tend to be really good at like to do lists and calendars and execution. They don't need a lot of monitoring.

Then there are questioners and questioners are people who need to know that something makes sense. They need justifications, rationale. They tend to love to customize. They're often told that they ask too many questions. If something makes sense to them, they will do it no problem. So they're making everything an inner expectation, but if it fails their their in their standard, they will resist.

Yeah. So their motto is, I'll comply if you convince me why, then we come to the biggest group. For both men and women, the most number of people are obligers and obligers readily meet outer expectations, but they struggle to meet inner expectations. So these are people who say things like, well, why is it that I can always keep my promises to other people, but I can't keep my promises to myself?

Or I never like drop a ball at work, but when I come home, I can't get anything done for myself. The solution for obligers is very straightforward. They need outer accountability, even to meet an inner expectation. So, if they want to exercise more, they need to work out with a trainer, or work out with a friend who's annoyed that they don't show up, or they raise money for a charity, or they take their dog for a run who's so disappointed if she doesn't get to go for a run.

Think of your duty to be a role model for somebody else. There's a million ways to create outer accountability, but that is necessary for obligers. They can't do self care, or putting themselves first, or making themselves a priority. They need outer accountability. And then finally, the smallest group.

The rebel. And rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. They want to do what they want to do, in their own way, in their own time. They can do anything they want to do, but if you ask or tell them to do something, they're very likely to resist. And typically, they don't tell themselves what to do.

Like, they don't tell themselves they're going to go to a 10am woodworking class on Saturday because they think, I don't know what I'm going to want to do on Saturday morning and just the idea that somebody's going to ask me to show up is going to bug me. So their motto is, you can't make me, and neither can I.

So those are the four. And like you say, people can kind of tip one way or another. You're sort of a main one, but you have a little bit of a flavor of another one. But yeah, you and I are upholders and we're a small group.

Lainie Rowell: Well, I'm honored to be in the same group with you. I will say I do love a good commitment device if that obliger side of me needs some, some public or, you know, a partner to say, like, I said, I would do this.

I'm going to get this writing done. I'm going to get this book done. That's pretty helpful too, especially for the longer term ones.

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah.

I think any, a lot of people find accountability helpful. It's the question of like, do you need accountability in order to act? Because the obligers, they really don't do, they don't really don't meet expectations unless there's some form of outer accountability.

Lainie Rowell: I don't want to let myself down either. So I was surprised. I thought I was going to come up an obliger, but I'm happy.

Gretchen Rubin: They're all good. They all, they're all include people who are wildly successful and also people who struggle. It's just a question of sort of knowing your own strengths and weaknesses and harnessing that work.

Lainie Rowell: And seeing it in others and being able to kind of,

Gretchen Rubin: it's huge. My husband's a questioner and now it's solved so many conflicts now that I know that about him and about me.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, my 11 year old's a questioner and it's really helped me kind of frame things in a different way.

Gretchen Rubin: Yes. Exactly. Exactly.

Lainie Rowell: Okay. I can't wait any longer. We got to talk about Secrets of Adulthood.

Gretchen Rubin: Yay. Yes.

Lainie Rowell: I'm so excited. It's one of my favorite things about interviewing people is that I sometimes get the book before it's out. And so, major thanks to your team. Molly made sure I got a copy and I got to read it. By the time this comes out, it's out.

So people should just run to Amazon or their favorite bookstore, wherever they get their books, and grab their copy. And this is a book that really delves into aphorisms.

Gretchen Rubin: Mm hmm.

Lainie Rowell: And it's not a word we hear very often,

what is an aphorism?

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah, well, that's why I didn't use the word aphorism in the title or the subtitle, because I'm like, I don't think most people know what that is.

So A Secret of Adulthood, you know, these are sort of very short, one sentence, two sentence, kind of reflections of of like lessons I've learned the hard way through life, through time and experience, and I try to express myself with aphorism. So an aphorism is kind of a literary form.

Where a writer has expressed an insight or an observation about human nature, and typically it's in a kind of elevated, elegant way, often there might be paradox or something about it that makes it sort of stand on its own, or kind of particularly memorable. And of course, this is what I aspire to with my book.

Like, was every one of my aphorisms elegant and surprising? I don't know. I tried. But that is the idea with an aphorism. And an aphorism is different from a proverb. So a proverb is a piece of folk wisdom. So, we've all heard, like, You're only as happy as your least happy child, or you can't push a rope, or a stumble may prevent a fall.

These are proverbs in that they have, they're just folk wisdom. These are just things that we repeat to each other. They're extremely helpful and illuminating often, but they're not ascribed to a particular person. But if I said to you people who love to eat are the best kind of people I did not say that.

Julia Child said that. So that's an aphorism because that isn't, that's an observation that we can ascribe to Julia Child, but it's sort of this one line thing. And what I love about aphorisms, it's often a question of like, do you agree or disagree? Well, I disagree with that as somebody who doesn't love to eat particularly, I'm like, Well, I don't agree, but Julia Child, that's what Julia Child said.

So that's part of the fun of aphorisms is deciding whether, what you think.

Lainie Rowell: I do love that. I really do lean into the part of like, well, do I actually think that?

Gretchen Rubin: Right? Like one of them that I can imagine people not agreeing with perhaps is we care for many people we don't particularly care for.

Lainie Rowell: Right.

Gretchen Rubin: Do I care for people that I don't particularly care for? Maybe they do, maybe they don't. You know, it's kind of concise enough that you can sort of think it through what your own thoughts are. And in the back of the book, there's room for people to write their own secrets of adulthood because I think a lot of us have these.

And it's very satisfying to write them down and kind of have a repository for them.

Lainie Rowell: I love that. And this isn't a traditional book. Now, I kind of anticipate knowing you and that you are so good at honoring that there's no one way to do anything. But how do you envision people using this book?

Like, do you expect them to read it front to back? Jump around? Like, what are you thinking?

Gretchen Rubin: Well, it's funny, because as somebody who loves aphorisms, I definitely will buy a book of aphorisms and read it from beginning to end, but I do not think that that is what most people will do. And the thing about aphorisms that's interesting is, like, they're very short, but they're very dense.

And you kind of want to just think about them, so I could imagine people just like leaving it lying around and they just sort of flip it open and just see what they get, or it is divided into subjects. So like one of them is confronting life's dilemmas. And so there's a lot in there about sort of making choices, making decisions.

And so maybe if you're, if you're facing a big decision, like I can't decide whether to move for this new job, or I can't decide whether to get a dog or, or whatever it might be, you might look there because, or maybe you're procrastinating a lot and you're like, Hmm, I need a little, just like with your muse machine, a word might like spark a thought or give me a moment of clarity.

You might look at it like that, but I have to say my sense is that a lot of people buy these for people who are graduating or starting a new job. It's kind of like, here you go. And I think we all have this desire to like save young people from learning all, you know, suffering through all the lessons that we learned the hard way.

So it's kind of like, maybe this will make your life easier. So I do, I think that for a lot of people, it is sort of a new stage of life. thing, or maybe somebody like an empty nest, or getting a new job, or retiring, kind of going through a big transition.

Lainie Rowell: Well, I tell you, I already pre ordered my hard copy, even though I have a digital copy, I wanted a physical copy, because what really it felt like to me is, I have on my nightstand, in addition to my Muse Machine, my Rolodex, because that's where I do my journaling.

So on my nightstand, I've got a few different books that, well, I actually have an obscene amount of books. It's a lot. And so I've got like The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse by Charlie Mackesy.

Gretchen Rubin: Yes. You see, I love a teaching story too. So I, I know that book very well.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. And I've got the Maxwell Daily Reader.

I've got Tolstoy's A Calendar of Daily Wisdom.

Gretchen Rubin: I love Tolstoy's Calendar of Wisdom. Nobody ever talks about that book.

Lainie Rowell: I have it. I think that's a great one, especially because I don't always agree with them.

Gretchen Rubin: No, absolutely not. But Tolstoy himself is very, very proud of that.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, yeah, and so I am putting your book, Secrets of Adulthood, next to those because I choose them because I look through them.

They're not ones that I read cover to cover, they're ones that I pull out and just read a little bit to inspire journaling if I don't have anything readily that I really want to write about. So it's kind of like I gratitude, I do something that kind of stretches my thinking. So,

Gretchen Rubin: well, there is, there is a proverb that when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

And I do think that sometimes like we're sort of ready for a lesson, but we need something to give us that spark. And so just sort of opening yourself up and exposing yourself can then sometimes you're like, then you get that big feeling of insight.

Lainie Rowell: I'm super excited. So I highlighted some of my favorites.

Gretchen Rubin: Oh, I want to hear. This is, I love all of them, but I'm so curious, like, what are the ones that resonate with other people? I'm so curious.

Lainie Rowell: So let me tell you, I love them all too, but I will say that I think certain ones, like you were saying, hit at certain times. Now, I have an aphorism that I say, and I'd love your thoughts on it, but first I wanted to share some of my favorites.

So " nothing takes us out of ourselves more than being of use." I think that's a really good one, just because I think it's real easy to live in our heads and be a little too focused on what's happening in our world. So whether that's just doing your work or volunteering or whatever it is, that one hit hard.

I'm going to tell you, I don't think I'm a huge procrastinator, but the procrastination section is. Well lit up with highlights.

Gretchen Rubin: Okay, good, good, good. Yes. I like that section too. Yeah.

Lainie Rowell: No, "nothing is more exhausting than the task that's never started." Another one, "what can be done at any time is often done at no time."

Gretchen Rubin: Yes, yes.

Lainie Rowell: That one strongly resonated with me with gratitude.

Gretchen Rubin: Exactly.

Lainie Rowell: Because I feel like it's so often.

Gretchen Rubin: Exactly.

Lainie Rowell: It takes like no time. We can do it any time, but we just feel like we'll do it later.

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah.

Lainie Rowell: Some other time I'm gonna say things. Right. Yeah.

Gretchen Rubin: I'll think about how much air conditioning has done for my life some other day.

I don't know. I don't need to think about that right now. Yeah.

Lainie Rowell: Okay. And then this one always a writer. Did this one hit hard?

Gretchen Rubin: Oh, I can. I predict which one you're going to read.

I bet you're going to say working is one of the most dangerous forms of procrastination.

Lainie Rowell: Oh, I have that one highlighted.

Gretchen Rubin: Oh, that's not the one you're thinking of.

What are you thinking of?

Lainie Rowell: "Perfectionism is driven not by high standards, but by anxiety."

Gretchen Rubin: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. That's, yeah, that's helpful, too.

Lainie Rowell: Because it's just that once you put writing out into the world, it's like, that's why I have this anxiety about, is it good enough? Is it good enough?

And I just, I'm getting something published in a, publication that I'm so proud to be a part of. And I just could not finish this. I spent way too much time on this article because I was just so like, it has to be perfect. But that was about anxiety because I'm so worried that they won't like it enough or no one will like it enough.

And so that one. Yeah.

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah. Because I think sometimes people think like, well, if I want to feel less anxious, I should lower my standards, but I don't want to lower my standards where in fact, it's like, it's not really about the standards. It's about your anxiety about being judged.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. So that to me was very empowering.

Very...

Gretchen Rubin: oh, I'm glad to hear that.

Lainie Rowell: This is why I need to have this on my nightstand.

Gretchen Rubin: I love being in the pantheon on the nightstand. That is the highest praise.

Lainie Rowell: It is well deserved. So, there's others, but I just really want people to go grab it.

Well, I have one I want to share with you. If you're open to one of mine. And you can maybe help me make it better. And then I just want to hear about your process. Like, how you do this. One that I say that I believe, like, these are things that I think you would shout from rooftops or, you know, jump on a table and say, and the one that I say a lot is the best way to change someone else's behavior is to change our own behavior first.

Gretchen Rubin: Yes, and I have an aphorism that's very much like that, which is we can't change other people, but when we change, a relationship changes, so by changing ourselves, sometimes we change others, or something like that. Which is a great example of, A lot of times with an aphorism, many, many people may have expressed kind of the same idea.

But what's different is that each of us has our own particular phrasing and put our own emphasis on it, uses a different vocabulary. And a lot of times, you know, some ideas are just too important to be new. And so, like, you're not going to be the first one to say, like, constraints spark creativity.

Like, I probably have 15 aphorisms where somebody has made some kind of observation saying, basically, constraints spark creativity. But different people can say it in different ways, and it will resonate with people differently in a fresh way. And, so , yeah, I think that's great. I love that aphorism, and I agree with that aphorism.

Lainie Rowell: Well, thank you. And I struggle with the best way to change someone else's behavior, because it's actually like, you really can't ever change someone's behavior.

Gretchen Rubin: This is the thing with aphorisms. As you start getting into this, is it always? Is it sometimes?

Like, is it? Yeah. It's tricky. It's tricky to be short.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. Goes back to the aphorism about perfectionism, right?

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Lainie Rowell: So could you tell a little bit about your process for creating these aphorisms? And I know some of them are over time, but do you ever like just sit down and be like, I'm going to crank one out on this topic?

Or how does your process work for you?

Gretchen Rubin: Well, ever since I wrote, Maybe I was working on a biography of Winston Churchill, so I wrote a book on Winston Churchill, and of course, he's this just extraordinary writer, and he would often have these kind of one liners, and that got me sort of focused on the power of kind of like the mic drop sentence, where you just sort of say something like, you know give us the tools and we will finish the job.

And I could see the power in that. And then as I was writing, and I was writing about happiness, which is a lot of times kind of abstract and confusing, I would always try to, try to push myself to say, like, can I really distill a big idea very succinctly? And I, you know, I was a lawyer, and so I have so many memories of, like, long, turgid, complicated, technocratic language.

So I was like, can I just say things as clearly as possible. And of course, here's another aphorism. This one from Lytton Strachey, the true test of a man's intelligence is his ability to make a summary. And so often like the way for me to realize that I truly understood an idea was, can I convey it in a single sentence?

And there was something very intellectually and creatively satisfying about really trying to get something into that sentence. So I started pushing myself to do that in my writing and then I started writing them even outside of like something that like, like I'm writing a book about habit change better than before.

Habits are the invisible architecture of everyday life. Okay. That's an aphorism, but then I'd have ones that weren't connected to a book. So then I started keeping a collection of them. And then, and some of them are just observations to like, the tulip is an empty flower. I believe that. I think that's kind of interesting, but it's not really a secret of adulthood.

It's just an observation. So for this book, I went through that giant collection and really pulled out the ones where I thought that there was kind of a lesson to be learned and applied or like something that is the Secret of Adulthood. But what's funny is I mentioned to a couple of people like, oh, and then I have all my dark aphorisms, which are all my bleak Secrets of Adulthood and people are like, I want to read that and I'm like, I don't want you.

That's like dark and be like, no, I want that. That's the negativity bias. Right? Like everybody's like, I want the dark one and I have an aphorism about if something's secret, like everybody wants to know the thing that's kept secret. So by saying like, Oh, I left these out. Now people are like, Ooh, I want the secret chapter.

So maybe I'll release that another time. But I mean, this was going on for years and years and years. And then I've collected them from other people, like Mark Twain or Winston Churchill, Warren Buffet. My favorite is Marie von Eben Eschenbach, who nobody talks about anymore, but she's my favorite aphorist, perhaps.

Sarah Munguso is probably the best contemporary aphorist that I've come across. So I have huge collections. So, yeah, this is something that I was working on kind of as a side project for years until I decided, like, okay, now it's time to make this into an actual book.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, it's not typically your process to sit down and be like, now I'm going to write 20 aphorisms because that would be incredibly hard, right?

Gretchen Rubin: You have to have an observation but on my podcast, happier with Gretchen Rubin, every Monday I do a little happier, which is like a two to four minute story usually. And it's usually like a teaching story. So it's kind of like, you know, how Aesop's fables have sort of a moral. These are kind of like that.

And so I am very much in that habit of sort of thinking of something and then trying to distill it. But you can't sort of sit down and write them. Something has to happen or I remember something like sometimes it's even something like a joke. A lot of teaching stories are jokes or riddles or kind of folktales or whatever.

And that's how I generate them. But no, I can't like sit down and think like, let me write something insightful about work. I wouldn't be able to think of anything.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, I hear you. You need that inspiration. You need to be struck by something.

Gretchen Rubin: You need to be struck by something, right.

Now, it is true, though, that I have to, and remind myself, like, I send myself emails all the time, and it'll be like, just like one or two words, because I'm trying to remember some story that I heard. So I'll just email me something like, penguin, or something like Better Call Saul, and then there's some story connected with it that I, or some lesson that I want to explore.

Lainie Rowell: That's amazing. okay. That was so fun. I hope people get Secrets of Adulthood and you can do like me, keep it on your nightstand.

Gretchen Rubin: Yes, exactly.

Lainie Rowell: I could talk to you for hours, but I have to let you go, so I'm just going to ask you a couple more questions.

What is something that you can't share enough, or you haven't had a chance to share before? Like, this is another, like, I'd shout this from the rooftops, is there something that you just really want people to know that we haven't had a chance to talk.

Gretchen Rubin: The one thing I would shout from the rooftop is there is no one right way to make your life happier, healthier, more productive, more creative.

There's no most efficient way. There's no best way. There's no magic one size fits all solution. We each have to figure out what's going to work for us. You know, we can all get there, but we might need to take very different paths like a morning person and a night person might set up their schedules completely differently. An abundance lover and a simplicity lover might have a completely different design of their home office, but they can both get things done You know, they can both be creative and productive and my aphorism for this I have several aphorisms for this but one of them is the bird the bee and the bat all fly but they use different kinds of wings.

Lainie Rowell: Ooh, I love that.

Gretchen, this is so cool. I'm so excited to get this out there. Before I let you go, what are the best ways for people to connect with you in your work?

If they're not already, they definitely need to be listening to your podcast, go to your website, but what's all the ways that you want people to connect with you?

Gretchen Rubin: Yeah I have a weekly podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin, where I talk about sort of practical suggestions for making life happier, healthier, more productive, more creative.

My co host is my sister, who's a TV writer in Hollywood, so that's super fun. And then every week I also have those little teaching stories that I mentioned. So that's Happier with Gretchen Rubin. You can go to my website, GretchenRubin. com. As you said, there are so many resources, there are so many things there.

There's the four tendencies quiz, the neglected sense quiz, the habits for happiness quiz, if you want to know what habit you should do right now. For you personally to make your life happier. That's there. All kinds of stuff is there. I'm on all the social, not all of them. I'm on many social media platforms, just Gretchen Rubin.

And I love to connect with listeners and readers there. And I have a weekly newsletter called Five Things Making Me Happy. And this is just super fun. It's a free weekly news newsletter where I just share five things making me happy. So that's just a fun place to put things that I just think are delightful. So I love to connect with people. I love insights, observations, resources. Like my next big project is going to be about the empty nest phase, which I am rebranding as open door. Anybody got any resources for that? I'm especially interested because I'm just getting ready like to go deep on that subject.

But I love hearing anything about habits, happiness, human nature, love to connect with people.

Lainie Rowell: I am so happy to have this opportunity to connect with you here today. I am a huge fan, I think that came through, and I really want people to connect with you in all the ways. I subscribe to the newsletter, you definitely want to do that, and then just go block out on your calendar some time and go get lost on Gretchen's website. There's so many good resources. You don't want to miss it.

Gretchen Rubin: I love that. Lainie. I feel like we could talk all day. We're interested in all the same subjects.

Lainie Rowell: I mean, we could be friends, my friend. Okay. I know I have to let you go, but thank you all for listening. And Gretchen, thank you for being here.

Gretchen Rubin: Oh, thank you. I so appreciated it.

Episode #130 - Maybe, Maybe Not: Navigating Uncertainty & Appreciating Impermanence

Shownotes:

Ever find yourself desperate to label a moment—good or bad, success or failure, right or wrong—just to feel a little more in control?

This episode will challenge that instinct.

We're unpacking one of the most powerful mindset shifts I’ve ever come across—rooted in ancient wisdom, backed by modern psychology, and grounded in something we all face: uncertainty.

You’ll hear how a simple phrase—“Maybe, maybe not. We’ll see.”—can rewire your response to the unknown, help you ride the waves of change with more peace, and keep you anchored when life feels like a lot.

We’re also diving into a surprisingly effective gratitude boost (hint: it’s not a list) and a 3-step reflection to help you find clarity when the future feels foggy.

This isn’t about toxic positivity.
It’s about perspective, presence, and progress—even when the path ahead isn’t clear.

Let’s stop labeling and start living.
Because maybe… just maybe… this moment is leading somewhere beautiful.

BTW—You can choose your adventure with this one—read the article, listen to the episode, or explore both.

And you can find the article on Thrive Global!

I hope you enjoy whatever adventure you choose!

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Episode #129 - Kimberley Quinlan on Rethinking Anxiety

Shownotes:

Ever feel like your brain is constantly scanning for danger, even when there’s no real threat? You’re not alone. Kimberley Quinlan is here to explain why our minds default to a just-in-case mode—always bracing for the worst—and what we can do to break the cycle.

In this episode, we’re diving into anxiety, self-compassion, and the power of rewiring our response to fear. Kimberley, a leading therapist and host of Your Anxiety Toolkit, shares game-changing insights on how to stop fighting panic, reframe intrusive thoughts, and create a kinder, more resilient mindset.

If anxiety has ever held you back, this is the episode you didn’t know you needed.

Thrive Global Article:

About Our Guest:

Kimberley Quinlan is a licensed marriage and family therapist, founder of CBTschool.com, and host of the Your Anxiety Toolkit Podcast. With extensive training in evidence-based therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Response Prevention (ERP), Kimberley specializes in treating OCD, anxiety, eating disorders, and body-focused repetitive behaviors. Her expertise has been featured in the Los Angeles Times, Wall Street Journal, ABC’s 20/20, Telemundo, and more.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Transcript:

Lainie Rowell: Welcome, Kimberly. Thanks for being here.

Kimberley Quinlan: Thank you so much for having me.

I'm so happy to be here.

Lainie Rowell: I'm just so excited to talk about, I mean, I'll frankly talk about anything with you, but there's so much stuff that I want to talk about to do with self compassion and anxiety.

And, I know you're a podcaster because I listened to your podcast. I've heard you on other people's podcasts. And one of the things that has always struck me is that You see self compassion in places that maybe other people don't. Like, I just think the way that you see self compassion is really beautiful, and I'd love for you to actually just define what is self compassion.

What does that look like?

Kimberley Quinlan: Yeah, it's going to be different for different people. In general, it's the the wish to be well and happy and to have less suffering. Another way of describing it is being a safe place to feel any emotion and be going through any discomfort and doing that in a way in which is kind and gentle.

And the main piece to think this whole concept of self compassion is the act of self compassion is something we do that serves both the short term and the long term us. Sometimes people misunderstand it as just doing the easy, nice thing, but it's not self compassion isn't just unicorns and bubble baths and candles.

It's not that it can be, but it's. actually also involves being brave and courageous and standing tall when things get really hard.

Lainie Rowell: So if I'm hearing it right, it's that being kind to yourself, but it's also you have to do the work to make sure that you're not only kind to yourself in the short term, but the long term.

Kimberley Quinlan: Yeah. And it's, it's multifaceted. So self compassion could be In the form of words and using kind words, it could be in the form of kind behaviors and doing kind things. It could be in the form of the tone of voice in which you use towards yourself. It could be also facing fears and, and having to muscle through really difficult things as we navigate adversity and hard things so that it can show up in many forms depending on what you're facing.

Lainie Rowell: I focus on gratitude. That's something I write about and speak about a lot. And I see this connection between gratitude and self compassion is that they can both be sometimes dismissed for maybe either being obvious or some might even say woo woo. And I would just love to hear, from your experience as a therapist and a human, like, what do you see people maybe not getting right?

What are the misconceptions about self compassion? You kind of addressed it, but even more, like, what else do you see?

Kimberley Quinlan: Yeah, and I think that our pop psychology, especially on social media, is, It's very much focused on having less discomfort, right? What's the easiest, like you'll see it everywhere if you're looking for it, like five easy tips to not have to be anxious or how to, you know, there's a lot of this kind of talk on how can we get rid of discomfort fast.

And I think that under that umbrella, we've, we've taken. some of these really important skills like self compassion and gratitude and use them as like immediate fixes for really uncomfortable, painful things that we're going through when it's not. So I'm always very cautious and I always wave caution with my patients and my students.

I'm like, let's not always jump to the fastest solution because that's obviously not. The best for you. Yeah. So that's one thing to think about. And then common myths related to these is that people think, as you said, it's lazy. That self-compassion is just like, ah, you get out of jail, free card.

Or that if I practice kindness, that I'm letting myself off the hook, that I'm going to become somebody who's complacent or out of control or won't have my values as the, the North star, that I'll just sort of become this person who has no motivation and no discipline. These are really common misunderstandings.

And that's why I started with this idea that self compassion isn't that it's actually showing up and doing the hard thing. But doing it gently, doing it without criticism and judgment and, and punishment towards ourselves. Some of the most self compassionate things I have done in my lifetime were some of the hardest things I have done.

But the difference is instead of doing these hard things with a whip going like you idiot, you should be doing this better and faster and it's easier for everybody else. I'm just validating and acknowledging. How hard it is and cheering myself on along the way.

Lainie Rowell: You know, you're talking about self compassion, and then your podcast is Your Anxiety Toolkit. And I've been guilty of this , is to say, I don't want to feel anxious. Or, I don't want to ruminate.

And there's, It's actually a purpose for all the emotions, so I think there's some emotions that get a bad reputation, but they're actually helpful, right?

Kimberley Quinlan: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Well, there is no bad emotion. There is no bad emotion. There are reactions to the emotion that can either make our lives better or create problems in our lives.

So if we have, let's say, anger and there's nothing wrong with anger, especially as women, like sometimes we kind of feel like we're not supposed to feel rage. We could have rage, there's nothing wrong with rage, but how we respond to that rage, how we show up in the face of that rage can determine what's effective and ineffective for us and our values.

And it's different for everybody, right? That doesn't mean that we can't stand up for ourselves. It doesn't mean that sometimes we have to set boundaries with people. It doesn't mean that we, we can't you know, take care of ourselves, but we're going to do it in this way that's kind and. And like I said this, I'm really interested in this word discipline because discipline isn't bad either.

We've kind of made that into sort of like, it must be punishment, but also self discipline can be a very self compassionate act as well. So going back to what you said about fear, yes. One of the biggest misconceptions about fear is that we should avoid it. I couldn't disagree more. In fact, I have built my entire career around encouraging people to face their fears.

That's literally what I do for a living. Is I spend my day helping people face their 10 out of 10 fear.

Lainie Rowell: So, talk a little bit more about that, and I think it might be helpful, and I'm going back to your podcast, Your anxiety toolkit., and it might be helpful to understand, the difference between, like, everyday anxiety, anxiety disorder a panic attack, like, where's the line?

What's the difference there?

Kimberley Quinlan: Okay, so we have fear. Fear is a normal emotion that shows up when we think we're in danger. We have then sort of the next level of anxiety, which they're pretty much the same, but in different degrees. Anxiety is something that shows up when we're in danger and that we need to remove ourselves from that danger or, you know, solve it in some way.

Because if we don't, there might be grave danger, a bus coming towards you, a lion coming towards you, if you're not feeling really well, let's say you've got a fever, and you're sweating and stuff, a degree of anxiety is normal there, because you have to be able to then go, okay, do I need to get myself to the hospital?

Right? So that is normal. But in today's day, we have sort of shifted, our brains have shifted to a model of not just having anxiety when there is actual danger. It's moved to how can I prevent anything bad from happening. It's sort of what we call the just in case brain and our brains, the more we respond to just in case brain, the more we actually train our brain to constantly be looking for potential danger, not actual danger.

And then what we'll find is you will often end up with an anxiety disorder. And what that means, it's not a negative term. It just means that you're experiencing anxiety to the degree in which it's impacting your functioning and reducing your quality of life. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.

Sometimes it's very genetic. Sometimes it can be related to events like the Los Angeles fires that we just had. Like some people will notice that will be the onset of their anxiety disorder. And at that level, we actually Again, it's not that that's a good thing. We actually just want to work to make sure we catch it and treat it as fast as we can so that it doesn't take over your life.

Lainie Rowell: Obviously people should seek help if they're getting to the point where it is impacting their lives. I'm curious, That just in case anxiety. Would that be kind of like catastrophizing?

Like, I'm going to take it to a 10. It's probably a two and I'm going to make it a 10. Right. And it's always interesting that we have to be kind of these risk assessors. And so, like, I have a sick child at home today. Normally, I'd be having this conversation with you when I have two healthy kids off at school.

And I have one home with me today, but as he was like starting to get sick a couple of days ago because the, you know, the temperature is going up. And I need that level of anxiety. Otherwise, I'm just like, go sleep it off, right? Like I need some level of anxiety to be alert enough to be like, okay, well, if this temperature doesn't drop, if these things happen, we need to move to the next level.

Right?

Kimberley Quinlan: Exactly. And that's your brain taking care of itself and being at its highest level of function. But what an anxiety disorder usually looks like is it's 10 steps ahead of where we actually are. So it's like, what if they get sick and they have some terrible disease and they have been to the hospital and, you know, it usually ends with some kind of terrible catastrophe.

So that is the sort of the crux of a disorder and it can branch into different areas of your life. So if it's around social, it would be social anxiety. The disorder, or if it's around health, it might be health anxiety. You know, we have OCD, we have post traumatic stress disorder, we have phobias.

So it can show up in different areas. And under that umbrella are the different anxiety disorders.

Lainie Rowell: And then, for the everyday anxiety, or even to the level of a panic attack , what is your advice to someone who has experienced panic attacks?

What would you say? They should be thinking about, thinking there might be another one.

Kimberley Quinlan: Sure. So number one, panic attack is what we would call a 10 out of 10 anxiety. It's terrifying. As someone who's had panic many times, it's no fun. So first of all, I would validate you, like this is not in your head.

This is really painful. Panic attacks are really, really distressing. Now, that being said. at the very same time, while it feels very, very scary and feels very, very dangerous and feels like you might die, they're also not dangerous. A panic attack is not a dangerous thing. There is actually nothing to be afraid of, except, you know, it's uncomfortable.

And so in that case, what we would do is I work with my patients and my students at allowing it to rise and fall on its own because it will. It is not permanent. And in fact, we know that what you resist persists. So the more you try and avoid a panic attack, the more likely you are to have one. Now, that's not to say that you need to go and do the 10 out of 10 scariest thing to practice having panic.

While I'm not opposed to that, I don't think that's what you need to do immediately. So we could put this in practice as, as you start to notice a panic attack, your job is to just stay present and nonjudgmental about it and allow it to rise and fall on its own. For those who have panic disorder. And are engaging in a lot of avoidant behaviors, trying to avoid a panic, then yes, we would practice facing the things that tend to trigger panic.

A common one is flying, going to the doctors, getting needles being in small enclosed places, going into social settings and being willing to have panic attack. And while using these skills, especially self compassion as, as they come and go.

Lainie Rowell: And so trying to fight it, is it fair to say that's super counterproductive?

Kimberley Quinlan: Well, again, your attempt to fight it is only probably making it worse. Remember, your brain is constantly assessing for danger. So if you're in a situation where, let's say you're panicking, and your response to the panic is, Oh, no, this is terrible. It shouldn't be here. Your brain is basically being trained to continue to interpret these panic symptoms as dangerous. So, the clients of mine who really recover from panic disorder are the ones who are like, Mm hmm, yep, I'm gonna have a panic attack right now, and I'm just gonna let it, and I'm gonna go to the supermarket, and I'm gonna get my groceries, and we're gonna go panic together while we get the groceries.

They're the ones who recover the most, and who have the most long term recovery.

Lainie Rowell: I'd love for you to share a very specific strategy, the compassion sandwich. Can you tell us about that?

Kimberley Quinlan: Well, this is specific. So this is actually It sounds silly, this compassion sandwich, but it was specific to, I, I wrote a book for New Harbinger Publications for OCD. It's one of the conditions that I specialized.

And one of the gold standard treatments for OCD and all anxiety disorders in this case is, to face your fear, right? So whatever you're afraid of doing, you face your fear while not engaging in any behavior to try and reduce or remove your discomfort. So example might be you have a doctor's appointment, you've got a lot of anxiety about it, you would go to the doctor's appointment.

It's not, just going to the doctor isn't enough, we actually want to marry it with also not engaging in rumination. In catastrophization, in a ton of reassurance seeking, or any of those additional behaviors that we tend, a lot of Googling, because none of those are helpful. So we would go to the doctor and we would tell the doctor the symptoms, but we also would practice not engaging in those behaviors.

A compassion sandwich is practicing that. That's the meat and cheese of the sandwich. That's the good stuff. That's where you really can recover from. almost any anxiety disorder. But the bread that goes around the meat and the cheese is that compassion. Is, as you go into doing the hard thing, and this could be also something you apply if you have a job interview, right?

Or you are going on a podcast, or you are taking your kid to school for the first day and you're so anxious. The, the thing that you're doing that's is the meat and cheese. But the compassion is how you tend to yourself and how you cope in a kind, compassionate way as you anticipate doing the hard thing.

And you would practice it while you do the hard thing, right? And after you've done the hard thing, you would be as kind and celebratory as possible. Often what happens is when we face hard things. Instead of celebrating, we go, that was dumb. It shouldn't have been that hard. Or why is that so hard for me?

It wasn't hard for them. What's wrong with me? And I want to sort of remind people that if it's hard for you, celebrate that you did a hard thing. So that's the sandwich concept is making sure you commit to kindness at the before, the during, and the after.

Lainie Rowell: I think it's very, very helpful. And I think it takes obviously intention to really be thinking about how can I be compassionate to myself before during and after and it gives us that mental construct to help us when we're in those situations. Now, you are an incredible podcast host. Can you tell us a little bit about your podcast and how that all started and how it's going? Like over 400 episodes, if I'm not mistaken.

Kimberley Quinlan: Yeah, yeah. So I started my private practice and I was thinking like, how am I going to market this and how can I serve people?

I was working in the specialty of OCD and anxiety. And at that time, this was like let me see, nearly 10 years ago where, you know, Instagram and all that wasn't as big either. And so few people had access to the proper treatment for these conditions. And so I was getting, you know, calls from people all the time.

So I sort of started as a way to help people who don't have access to these specific treatments. Never in my wildest dreams would I think that I would get to 400 episodes and to have had some amazing guests and make such an impact. But it's my favorite thing. In fact, it's something I'm doubling down on this year just because of all the platforms, podcasting is my favorite.

Lainie Rowell: It's my favorite too, because I get to have conversations with people like you, and I know you, you've had some really, I mean, I think all of your interviews have been fun, I'm sure, but I, I know you got to interview Tara Brock, like, was that amazing? For those radical acceptance, for those who are not familiar.

Kimberley Quinlan: Career highlight to this day.

Lainie Rowell: And can I say, that was episode 60 something. That was pretty early on. Was this just a swing for the fences kind of moment?

Kimberley Quinlan: Literally, spaghetti on the wall. Still can't believe it. And then, I mean, and then she endorsed, she wrote an endorsement for my book, which was like so exciting, but yes, it was, I was traveling to DC for a conference, I literally wrote her an email and I said, I will literally take five minutes of your time if you have it.

And I will write a donation, a check for a donation for the insight meditation center. Like it was, and I never dreamed. And then she was like, no, totally come down. And we sat and we chatted and I got about 20 minutes of her time. We had a hug. It was the best.

Lainie Rowell: It's so lovely. And that's I've been able to to meet some of my heroes through podcasting.

And it is this very lovely thing. I mean, they say don't meet your heroes. But actually, every one that I have met has been a complete delight. And so maybe if they wouldn't have been they would have said no. But regardless, they've all been so lovely. And I was listening to that episode. And I was just I was having this vicarious gratitude, like, I was so happy for you that you got to do it, and then, and then I saw you had your husband on, and What are some of the other episodes that maybe people who haven't listened yet would, would enjoy?

Kimberley Quinlan: Mm. I'm such a self compassion nerd or, you know, lover. I've had Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer and Paul Gilbert, like the three most incredible self compassion. Dennis Turch, all really great educators in the self compassion field. My husband was one of my favorites. I recently just recorded one of my husband interviewing me and that was really beautiful to you know, I can't even say like just so many beautiful people.

And, and as much of those people, it's also the people who are my students who come on and share their story of overcoming an anxiety disorder. All right. I mean, I don't get that same like, Oh my God, I get to sit with this person, but I do get this deep gratitude of like, Wow, these people are. You know, on the ground changing their lives and that's makes such a huge impact to the world that they've gotten through this and got their life back.

So it's pretty special.

Lainie Rowell: That's amazing. And I have to say, I love the solo episodes too, because I feel like you're just talking to me and that's pretty lovely as well. So I hope everyone will check out the anxiety toolkit because I think that's a lovely resource. What's the thing you want to shout from the rooftops or, or something you want to share that you haven't shared before?

Kimberley Quinlan: Yeah, it's funny. It's something I was just speaking on social media about this morning.

And every time I talk about this, I get such a response, which is this. Life is hard for everybody. There's no getting around that. But for those who make a commitment to being kind to themselves, They suffer less. So in a world where we keep getting fed that You know, like I said, the five tips to make panic go away fast or the 17 steps to, you know, it's never 17.

It's like the two step formula to not having depression or whatever you see. And I love that. I get it that people want fast solutions. But if I can convince you of one thing, it's that you will suffer less if you are kind to yourself. It is that usually the quick fixes don't last and they don't have any long term benefit.

But if you can learn to be that kind voice towards yourself and you're committed to that, even on days when things are so upside down, you will suffer less. And I think that That is a shift. If we could make that shift, the world would be an easier place to be in and we would be kinder to each other and we wouldn't suffer nearly as much as we do.

So that's sort of my big main goal for this year is to really get people on board and help them to understand that self criticism and self punishment only creates more suffering for you. It triggers your nervous system to having more cortisol and adrenaline. It creates more stress in your body. And so let's go, let's really come together and make it a kinder place in your head.

Lainie Rowell: A kinder place in your head, that is well said. And I go back to something that you said earlier about, you know, how we're training our brain and how can we do the consistent work to suffer less versus trying to do something right now that is not going to have the long term impact that we're looking for.

Kimberley Quinlan: Yeah. More often than not, we are trying to get short term relief and that often doesn't serve the long term. Yeah. And so everyone needs to just do a little bit of an analysis in like, is this helping the long term me? Or will this help the one year me? And that, that question and that conversation we have with ourselves can often lead us to much more compassionate, more effective action.

Lainie Rowell: I love the idea of thinking about what can I do for one year from now me versus just trying to make it easier right this moment. I think that's amazing. Kimberly, I have so loved talking to you. I would love it if you just shared how people can stay connected to you. And, did I hear you say something about another book in the works?

Is there one?

Kimberley Quinlan: Yes. So

Lainie Rowell: I can cut this out if you don't want to talk about it because I know sometimes it's like, do you want the commitment device of publicly talking about it or do you want to wait? Like it's up to you.

Kimberley Quinlan: No, no, it's fine. So I have a podcast called Your Anxiety Toolkit. You can listen to it wherever you listen to podcasts.

I'm also on Instagram at Your Anxiety Toolkit. I have an online education platform called CBTSchool.com. CBT, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy dot com. So that is there as well. I have a book for people with OCD called The Self Compassion Workbook for OCD. And I'm in the early stages and you know, letting it flow out of me stage of writing the second book, which is a self compassion book for everybody.

But what I want it to be is more of like a street version of that, like a little bit more sassy and to the point and a little bit of a punch because most of the self compassion ones are very like, Zen, and I love that, but I feel like, some people don't resonate with that. So I want this to be a little spicier.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. So my most recent publication is a gratitude journal. It's called Bold Gratitude. And I wrote it and my partner on that is this amazing creative. She's brilliant. And when we were doing it and I'm like, we need to make it accessible to everyone.

And she's like, I want you to write it like fun Lainie Yeah. I knew exactly what she meant. Yeah. And I was like, fun Lainie is writing this journal and so, and so I can't wait to read the next thing that's coming from you and maybe you'll come back and talk to us about it. That would be amazing.

Kimberly, thank you again for being here and thank you all for listening.

Kimberley Quinlan: Thank you. I'm so grateful. It's been so fun.

Lainie Rowell: We'll do it again.

Episode #128 - From Aspirational to Actual: Becoming Our Best Selves

Shownotes:

Ever feel like your best self is just out of reach—like you know what you should be doing but somehow never quite get there? You’re not alone. But here’s the deal: that gap between who you are now and who you want to be? It’s not a roadblock—it’s a bridge. And you can start building it today.

In this episode, we’re getting real about what actually moves the needle:
🔥 The one shift that makes habits easier (and actually sustainable).
🔥 How to stop numbing the now and start making progress without missing the moment.
🔥 A mindset trick that will have your future self high-fiving you.
🔥 Why your mornings and nights matter way more than you think.
🔥 An innovative way to turn vision into action and move toward your best self—starting today.

This isn’t about waiting for motivation—it’s about taking control. So, are you ready to stop hoping and start doing?

BTW—You can choose your adventure with this one—read the article, listen to the episode, or explore both.

And you can find the article on Thrive Global!

I hope you enjoy whatever adventure you choose!

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Episode #127 - Charles Duhigg on Supercommunicators

Shownotes:

Who are the people in your life who just get you? The ones who ask the right questions, listen deeply, and make every conversation feel effortless? Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and bestselling author Charles Duhigg calls them Supercommunicators—and here’s the kicker: it’s not an inborn gift, it’s a skill you can learn.

In this episode, Charles breaks down the science of deep, meaningful communication—how to stop talking past people, truly hear what’s being said, and connect on a level that changes everything. If you’ve ever struggled with miscommunication (who hasn’t?), this one’s for you.

Thrive Global Article:

About Our Guest:

As a journalist, Charles Duhigg has worked at The New York Times, where he won a Pulitzer Prize, and The New Yorker magazine.

He is also the author of The Power of Habit, which spent over three years on bestseller lists, and Smarter Faster Better, which was also a bestseller.

His latest book, Supercommunicators, was published in early 2024 and has remained on bestseller lists since its release.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Transcript:

Lainie Rowell: Hi, Charles. Thanks for being here.

Charles Duhigg: Thanks for having me.

Lainie Rowell: So excited to talk about your amazing book, Supercommunicatos. I'm going to gush about it a little bit, if you're okay with that.

Charles Duhigg: sure

Lainie Rowell: I really feel like you took this abstract concept of communication and you operationalized it in a way that is so clear, so practical.

Communication is such a huge thing. Like, how do you tackle that topic? And you did it so beautifully. I'm super excited for it. Yeah. I mean, I could go on and on. The stories are really, really helpful. I love how you start a story. You give us some information and then you do a callback to the story to help us see how it fits into real life. So just beautiful job.

Charles Duhigg: Oh, thanks. I appreciate that.

Lainie Rowell: I'd love to hear from you, what made you choose this topic?

Charles Duhigg: Yeah, well, as I explained in the book, a lot of it came out of my own struggles with communication, right?

I'm a journalist. I work at the New Yorker Magazine. And I fell into this bad pattern with my wife where I would come home after a long day and I would start complaining about my day and my boss doesn't appreciate me and my co workers don't realize what a genius I am. And, and my wife would offer me some pretty good advice.

She'd say something like, why don't you take your boss out to lunch and you guys can get to know each other a little bit better. And instead of being able to hear what she was saying, I would get even more upset. And I would say, you know, why aren't you supporting me? You're supposed to be on my side. And she would get upset because I was attacking her for giving me good advice.

And so I went to researchers and I asked them, like, this is a pretty common pattern in relationships, right? Is that we, we kind of talk past each other. And I asked them, what's going on here? Why do I keep making the same mistake again and again? And they said, well, we're glad you came and asked us because we're actually kind of living through this golden age of understanding communication.

And one of the big things that we've figured out is that. When you have a discussion, you tend to think that discussion is about one thing, right? We're talking about my day, or the kids grades, or where to go on vacation. But actually, every discussion is made up of different kinds of conversations, and they tend to fall into one of three buckets.

There's these practical conversations where we're solving problems together or making plans. But then there's also emotional conversations where I might tell you how I'm feeling, and I don't want you to solve my feelings. I want you to empathize and relate. And then finally, there's social conversation, which is about how we relate to each other and society and the identities that are important to us.

And they said, one of the things we figured out is if you're having the same kind of conversation at the same moment, then you hear each other. But if you don't, if I'm having a practical conversation, you're having an emotional conversation, then we literally have trouble hearing what the other person is trying to say, which is, of course, what was happening with me and my wife, right?

And so this has become known in psychology as the matching principle. which says that successful communication requires having the same kind of conversation at the same moment.

Lainie Rowell: So, can we be having more than one type of conversation at the same time? So like, our conversation right now, right, you could say it's a social conversation, because it's like, who are we as communicators?

But could it also delve into emotional and then practical?

Charles Duhigg: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.

Yeah, discussions shift from, you know, emotional to practical to social back to emotional. What's important is, and no one kind of conversation is better than any other. What is important, though, is that we're having the same kind of conversation at the same moment.

So if I was to bring up something really, really emotional. And you were to say, okay, so tell me how that applies to the book. Like what, what, how did, and we're very practical. We probably would not feel connected to each other. But if on the other hand, you were to say, Oh, I'm so sorry you experienced that.

That sounds so hard. I I've been through something similar myself. Like when you were writing the book, did you think about that experience and how it affected your own communication? What you're doing there is you're basically saying, look, I'm going to meet you with emotional. And then I'm going to ask your permission to move this to a little bit more practical.

And as long as we move together. Then we're aligned.

Lainie Rowell: That matching is so important, right? We, we try to do that. Some people are better at it than others. And then you have what you call Supercommunicatos. That's the title of the book, and that's what you're talking about. And what are some of the things that Supercommunicatos do well in addition to matching? What are some of the things that they do that we can try and, and be like them?

Charles Duhigg: Well, I, I think, you know, it's helpful to describe what a super communicator is, and there's actually a pretty easy way of doing this. Let me ask you a question. If you were having a bad day and you knew that you wanted to call someone who would make you feel better, like just talking to them would sort of improve your, your spirits.

Do you know who you would call? Like, does someone come to mind that you would telephone?

Lainie Rowell: I have a couple people, but yeah, I definitely have one that pops to mind first. Yeah. Okay.

Charles Duhigg: Who's that? Tell me about that person.

Lainie Rowell: So that would be Allyson. She's one of my best friends and she's just, she's a really good listener.

Charles Duhigg: Yeah. So for you, Allyson is a super communicator and you're probably a super communicator back to her. And if I was to study your conversations, what I would find is that you guys have certain skills that you use with each other. As you mentioned, she's a good listener. She's also probably proving to you that she's listening.

She's asking follow up questions. She's repeating back what she heard you say in a slightly different way to give you some, some illumination on it. She's probably asking you the right kinds of questions, what are known as deep questions.

Lainie Rowell: Hmm.

Charles Duhigg: These skills are skills that we use in close relationships, but we don't necessarily recognize them as skills, but what consistent Supercommunicatos do, because we're all Supercommunicatos at one point or another, but people who can connect with almost anyone, what's different is that they recognize that the skills you use with Allyson are the same skills you can use with anyone, right?

You could use it with your kids, your husband, you're on the bus, you know, with your boss. And so what Supercommunicatos do is they just take those skills and they practice them a little bit until they become habits. And our brain is designed to actually make these communication skills into habits very, very quickly.

Lainie Rowell: Interesting. Can you tell us a little bit more about deep questions?

Charles Duhigg: Yeah. Yeah. So deep questions are how we figure out what kind of conversation is occurring. Right? And a deep question is something that asks someone about their values or their beliefs or their experiences.

Okay. And that can sound a little bit intimidating, but it's actually as simple as if you meet someone who's a doctor instead of saying, you know, Oh, what hospital do you work at? Saying, Oh, what made you decide to become a doctor? What made you go to medical school? Right?

That's a very easy question to ask. But when you ask a question like that, what you're doing is you're inviting the other person to tell you who they are. You're inviting them to say something meaningful, say something like, you know, my dad got sick when I was a kid and watching got sick, maybe decided that I wanted to be a healer too.

Cause I saw these doctors that were so impressive. Okay, that's a person who's probably in a much more emotional mindset than a practical mindset, maybe even in a social mindset, because they're talking about other doctors and kind of the role you play in society. I learned so much more about you when I asked you a deep question.

And what's really useful about deep questions is that it's also very easy for me to answer my own question. Oh, you became a doctor because you saw your dad get sick. I became a lawyer because I saw my uncle get arrested when I was a kid. So, these deep questions are really key to building relationships and to building connections with people.

And they're much, much easier to ask than we think they are.

Lainie Rowell: So if I heard you correctly, it's values, beliefs, and experiences.

Charles Duhigg: Yeah, ask about those. Another way of thinking about it is, rather than asking someone about the facts of their life, Ask them how they feel about their life.

So

instead of saying, Oh, you live in the Heights. Where do you live on the Heights? Which street are you on? That's a fact about their life, but saying, Oh, you live in the Heights. Like, do you like it up there? What made you guys decided to move up to the Heights? That's a question about how someone feels about their life, instead of the facts of their life.

And inevitably someone's going to say something like, Oh, you know, like our church is up there. Or you know, we had a big community that was already there. And community is really, really important to us. They're going to tell you something about who they are, about how they see the world and what's important to them.

And that's when you're going to start to understand them. And it'll give you a chance to explain yourself as well.

Lainie Rowell: I love this so much and I feel like people are ready to tell what's important to them, what they value, what they believe about their experiences. We don't usually open it up. I mean, I think about Mark Brackett and he always talks about like, how are you is like the opening question, but people don't really actually expect you to respond to that question, right?

But when you ask these deep questions, you're really like opening the door. Like, no, I actually want to hear, tell me about your values, your beliefs, your experiences.

Charles Duhigg: Absolutely. And a question like, how are you? I mean, if you were to ask it genuinely, if you're like, how are you? You know, I heard that, you know, you were in an accident recently.

I'm just wondering, how are you doing since then? That's a deep question. But if, but so simply saying, how are you? That's not a deep question, right? Because the other person doesn't actually think that you want an answer to it. So it's important when we ask these deep questions to ask questions that, you know, are more than reflective, that are more than, than simply pleasantries, but that actually show there's something we want to learn about this person.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, can I just be honest and tell you that as I'm preparing for this interview and again, thank you for saying yes to the interview. It's really hard for me to not get super meta and in my head like, Oh my gosh, am I asking him enough deep questions because I'm trying to find this balance of, I want to share you know, important pieces of your content with the listener and the readers.

But it's like, I also want to get to that like matching and the connection with you and really hear about who you, Charles, are. And so I have to say, I know you do interviews too. You're a journalist. Is that, is that something you ever struggle with?

Charles Duhigg: It's not something I think about very much because I, I think that many times an interview is not necessarily conversation, right?

A conversation is about back and forth. The conversation is where we're both kind of contributing equally to the dialogue. The interview tends to be more one sided, right? You're going to ask me more questions than I'm going to ask you. And so I think in those situations, The goal , is a little bit different and it's important to identify what the goal of a conversation is, you know.

The goal of a conversation is not to convince you that you're wrong and I'm right, or to convince you that you should like me, or I'm smart, or, or that we should go with my plan. The goal of a conversation is just to understand each other, for me to ask you questions and listen in such a way that I understand what you're saying, what you're trying to get across, and for me to speak in a way that you can understand me.

And if you have a conversation and you walk away from it still disagreeing with each other, or if you have a conversation and walk away from it and say like, that person, like, they didn't know what they were talking about, but you understood each other, then the conversation has been a success. Right? The goal of a conversation is not to make friends.

The goal of a conversation is to, to understand each other. And I think when you're focused on that, it makes it a lot easier.

Lainie Rowell: I appreciate that. As you're talking, it reminded me of something, the quiet negotiation, so I have to tell you that, and I don't know if I'm telling you this because I just want to prove that I know things, or what, but I, I have known about interest based bargaining for decades.

That was really early in my career. It came into play. I actually didn't even have to do a lot of negotiating over people's contracts, but for some reason I was put into this training and I found it absolutely fascinating. So here comes the embarrassing part. I have known about interest based bargaining for decades, and I never, until I read Supercommunicatos, made the direct line fully realizing how this comes across in every context.

So, especially for communication, so can you tell us a little bit about this quiet negotiation, this, how interesting it kind of plays into it?

Charles Duhigg: So, it's a great question. A quiet negotiation is something that happens at the beginning of every discussion, right? Whether we're aware of it or not.

And a quiet negotiation is different from a normal negotiation, in that a normal negotiation, you're often trying to win something. In a quiet negotiation, your goal is really just to understand what the other person wants to talk about. Right? And so when I sit down and I say, Oh, tell me a little bit about why you came in today.

What brought you in? I'm starting a quiet negotiation. And you might say, well, I came in because, you know, I'd really like you to hand me a million dollars. without me having to do anything for it. Okay, I'm probably not going to accept that negotiation, right? I'm probably going to say, that's not how we work at this bank.

I would suggest to you somewhere else. But if you say, I'd like to learn about different options that you might have for home loan, then what you're doing is you're making a bid. You're, you're making an offer of something that's important to you. And I have at that point, an option to either say no or to say, Oh, tell me more.

Let me tell you a little bit about our loans, but tell me what you want it for. What's going on that you're coming in, that you need a loan. What we're doing there is we're negotiating with each other in the most quiet, softest way about what the goal of this conversation is, what we're going to discuss, the topics we're going to discuss, and more importantly, how we're going to discuss them.

Right? Are we going to be kind of like aggressive towards each other? Are we going to be open and try to understand each other? And these, these negotiations happen without our awareness of them. But what's really important is that when you do become aware of them, it makes you much better at having a productive negotiation, where you decide on things together that you want to talk about, and everyone walks away at least feeling satisfied by the discussion.

Lainie Rowell: I wanted to tell you one of my takeaways from the book is really the point of communication is to be understood. You've said it here a couple times and I think that's so important. Something else that really stood out to me in the book is you talked about how, and I've heard this, I've heard this other places but it really hit home with me when you said it, it's like we often think people don't agree with us because they just don't know what we know.

And we really actually have to accept that there might be people who, even if they knew what we knew, they might have a different opinion about it, right? And so that's why.

Charles Duhigg: Oh, that's almost always true, right? You know, when there was a lot of vaccine resistance during COVID one of the things that the National Institute of Health said was physicians should simply educate their patients about the facts.

If they, if they explain the facts to them, everyone would want to get a vaccine. But of course there's a number of people who are vaccine resistant who, they, they know all the facts, right? They've spent a lot of time researching and they might not prioritize the facts the same way that the physician does, but it's not a case that they're ignorant.

It's a case that they see the world differently. And unless a physician engages with them and says, explain to me how you see the world, that makes a lot of sense. Let me explain how I see the world. They're not going to be able to really hear each other.

Lainie Rowell: So that's called, motivational interviewing.

Charles Duhigg: Yeah. Yeah. So motivational interviewing is a sort of bigger technique. But at the core of it is this activity of trying to get you to explain how you see the world instead of telling you how I think you should see the world instead of challenging you immediately when you say something I don't agree with is rather trying to understand the system of logic that you use, the worldview that informs your decisions, so that I can explain within that worldview why I believe something differently than you.

And at that moment, you'll, you'll be able to hear what I'm saying. You might not agree with me, but you'll be able to hear what I'm saying because you believe that I've heard you.

Lainie Rowell: So the goal in motivational interviewing is to at least be understood. and to ideally come to some, if not agreement, at least understanding.

Is that fair to say?

Charles Duhigg: That's exactly right. That's exactly right. That, that, look, the thing that we've learned is that if someone doesn't want to have their mind changed, it doesn't matter how clever you are. You're not going to change their mind, right? But what you can do is you can find places where they don't mind having their mind changed, right?

Like maybe, maybe they're, they're anti vaccine in general, but you convince them the polio vaccine. You're, you're like, look, the way that you describe your, your suspicion of vaccines is totally, I completely understand what you're saying. Let me just suggest why this polio vaccine falls outside of kind of the criteria that you're using to make this choice.

And what we often find is that people they aren't so married to their opinions as they appear to be. Rather, they're married to a certain way of seeing the world. And if we understand how they see the world, then we gain some leverage over helping them, helping them see how our facts and our beliefs fit into their worldview.

Lainie Rowell: . So you're bringing like a lot of empathy and compassion rather than this kind of like arrogant,, I know what's best and this is what you should just kind of be.

Charles Duhigg: , you know, we describe it sometimes as empathy and compassion. It doesn't have to be. It can literally be just saying, I want to understand how you see things.

Like we see things differently. You voted for your guy. I voted for my guy. And, and, and just explain to me what you saw in your candidate that was so powerful to you. That doesn't necessarily mean that were going to agree with each other. And it doesn't mean that It doesn't mean that I, I have to feel compassion or empathy for your perspective, but once I understand your perspective, it's much more likely that I will feel at least some understanding and solidarity with you, even if we continue to disagree.

Lainie Rowell: Thank you for giving me that nuance. That was really, really helpful. Do you want to share looping for understanding?

Charles Duhigg: Sure. So one of the things that we've discovered is that.

Once you ask deep questions, once you sort of figure out where someone's head is at, what mindset they're in, then at that moment, you have to listen to what they're saying. But, but listening on its own is not enough. Oftentimes what you have to do is you have to prove that you're listening. Because, particularly in difficult conversations, there's always that sneaking suspicion at the back of our head that this person isn't actually listening to me, they're just waiting their turn to speak.

And so, one of the ways that we can prove that we're listening is a technique known as looping for understanding. And they teach it at Harvard, Stanford, a bunch of business and law schools. And it has three steps. The first step is that you should ask a question, preferably a deep question. The second step is that you should repeat back in your own words what you heard the person say.

And the goal here is not mimicry. The goal is to show them that you're processing what they've said. So maybe you're restating what they said in, in a completely different way. Maybe you're adding some, you know, what I heard you say was this, and it reminds me of something you said a couple of weeks ago, which was that you're proving to them that you're thinking about what's going on in what they said.

And most people do that intuitively. That's a pretty easy thing to do. It's the third step, where, at least I often forget, which is, after repeating back what you heard the person say, Ask them if you got it right, because what you're doing is when you say like, Hey, did I hear you? Am I, am I understanding you?

Completely. What you're doing is you're asking them for permission to acknowledge that you were listening. And one of the things that we know about our neurology and how our brains have evolved to communicate is that when I believe you are listening to me, when I acknowledge that you are listening to me, I become much, much more likely to listen to you.

And so if I want to convince someone to listen to me, to hear what I'm saying, the fastest path to do that is to prove to them that I am listening to them. And looping for understanding is a technique that, that makes that easy. There's a secondary benefit, which is if my job for myself is to repeat back what you've said in my own words, I actually have to pay pretty close attention, right?

I have to pay attention to what's going on. I can't let myself get distracted. And so it's a technique that also helps make us better listeners.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. And I would think help remember the conversation too.

Charles Duhigg: Yeah, absolutely.

Lainie Rowell: Okay. I know I got to let you go soon. I'm going to ask you two really quick questions.

Well, one of them depending on you. But, is there something that you just cannot share enough or something that you maybe haven't shared yet, but you think is really important?

Charles Duhigg: I think the most important thing is, Just to recognize that anyone can be a super communicator, right? Sometimes we look at these really charismatic folks or these popular people and we think to ourselves, Oh, they were born that way.

Like they had some experience I didn't have, but it's actually not true. If you talk to consistent Supercommunicatos, what they'll tell you is. There were long periods where they weren't good at communication, and they'll say things like, you know, when I was in high school, I had real trouble making friends, and so I had to really study how kids talk to each other, or, or my parents got divorced when I was young, and I had to be the peacemaker between them.

What they're saying is, they're saying, there were things in my life that forced me to think a little bit more deeply about communication, and that thinking about communication is what made me a great communicator. And the same thing is true for all of us. The more we practice thinking about communication and trying to use these skills in productive ways, the better we get at them, and anyone can become a super communicator.

Lainie Rowell: That's very empowering. Thank you so much. Last question, how can people get in touch with you, stay connected to you?

Charles Duhigg: Sure. Yeah, absolutely. I have a website, CharlesDuhigg. com, D U H I G G. Or I'm on X and LinkedIn and all the different social media sites. Or if they just Google Supercommunicatos or The Power of Havoc, the first book I wrote, then I'll definitely come up.

Lainie Rowell: Okay. And I will put that all in the show notes. I really hope people get a chance to read your beautiful book. I keep it very close to me. I literally actually made a looping for understanding sign that I have in my office. It's like so good because I do think, like you said, first, we need to remember to ask the deep questions.

I do think some people are pretty good, or maybe even most people are pretty good at the summarizing, but that magic, did I get that right? That's the one that I need to remind myself. So, oh my goodness.

Charles Duhigg: Thank you for having me. This has been such a treat.

Lainie Rowell: Charles, thank you so much for your time. Can't wait to get this out to the world.

Charles Duhigg: Take care.

Lainie Rowell: thank you all for listening.

Episode 126 - Bold Compassion: The Courage to Care for Ourselves, Our People, and the World

Shownotes:

Compassion isn’t weakness. It’s not about being a pushover. It’s bold. It takes guts to be kind—to ourselves, to the people closest to us, and to a world that sometimes feels like too much.

In this episode, we’re flipping the script on what it really means to care. Bold Compassion isn’t just about feeling—it’s about doing. It’s about challenging the way we speak to ourselves, shifting how we show up for those we love, and finding ways to make a difference (without burning out).

If you’ve ever struggled with self-doubt, snapped at someone you love, or felt overwhelmed by the world’s problems—this one’s for you.

BTW—You can choose your adventure with this one—read the article, listen to the episode, or explore both.

And you can find the article on Thrive Global!

I hope you enjoy whatever adventure you choose!

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

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Episode 125 - Charan Ranganath on Why We Remember

Shownotes:

What if your memory could be the key to unlocking greater happiness, productivity, and resilience? In this episode, Dr. Charan Ranganath, Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at UC Davis and author of Why We Remember, takes us on a fascinating journey into the science of memory. We explore why some moments stick while others fade, the pitfalls of multitasking, the power of learning from mistakes, and how gratitude can transform your emotional well-being. Tune in for actionable insights and science-backed strategies that will inspire you to rethink how you approach memory, focus, and thriving in everyday life.

Thrive Global Article:

Charan Ranganath on Why We Remember: The Memory Science Behind Productivity and Thriving

About Our Guest:

Dr. Charan Ranganath, a Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of California, Davis, has spent over 25 years uncovering the mysteries of memory. As the director of the Dynamic Memory Lab, he studies how our brains remember past events using advanced brain imaging techniques, computational modeling, and research with individuals who have memory disorders. His book, Why We Remember, provides a compelling look at how memory works and how it can enhance our well-being.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

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Transcript:

Lainie Rowell: I really want to talk about your beautiful book. I love it. Like, okay, now, you know, I get credit for, there's a lot of post it notes at the two thirds because the last third is the research, the bibliography, oh my gosh, there is so much in here and what a gift this book is.

Charan Ranganath: Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

Lainie Rowell: I'm so excited to talk to you about this. Like I literally. did not do a good job of editing down my questions, but I'm going to just hope that you'll bear with me as we have a great conversation

Charan Ranganath: yeah, yeah, of course.

Lainie Rowell: There's so many universals, there's so many things in the book that just apply to our everyday lives and kind of the themes that I picked up on that I'd love to talk to you about today.

One is learning, one is productivity, and the other is kind of well being and memory. My first question for you and this is kind of like one author to another, is did you come up with the title of the book, Why We Remember?

Charan Ranganath: No my publisher suggested it, I think I was finishing the book, and she suggested it, and it just all kind of came together, because so much of what made it happen.

You know, the reason I wrote this book was not, I didn't want to write a self help book, you know, I wanted to write a bigger picture book about, like, the science of memory, and so much of science is about why, right? But even in the science, it's easy to get sucked up in these assumptions about the way things are supposed to be, and one of the things that writing this book really attuned me to, and when that title was suggested, it just crystallized everything, was I mean, in a deep level, we'll never know why our brains are the way they are, right?

I believe that you can look at the way the system works and make statements about what's not the reasoning behind it, so to speak, and I think it's fairly obvious memory is not about storing every experience we have. Right. And the analogy I like to give is, is that I have to travel a lot for work.

And when I travel, I don't like literally take every possession that I own and bring it with me. I try to anticipate what I'm going to need and I bring it. And sometimes I'm going to miss stuff that I should have brought. And sometimes I'm going to bring stuff that I don't use, but I'm definitely better off doing that than trying to carry every piece of junk that I own.

And life is a journey like that. Right. And there's a cost to having too much stuff that you carry around with you. I think there's a metabolic cost. I think there is a a cost in terms of being able to find what you need when you need it. And so when the the title of Why We Remember was suggested.

It was like, it just crystallized all that for me. Sometimes you write about these things, but then it's like, something happens and you realize, I mean, for me, it's not like a top down process. I just write, and then it really kind of comes together as I'm, writing it and that really crystallized it for me.

Lainie Rowell: Well, kudos to your publisher because as I saw the title, I was like, gosh, what a great way to spark curiosity, why we remember, because I think a lot of people would approach the topic of memory of how do we remember? And that's actually not the most important first question. The most important first question is like, why do we remember?

Because if you come at it from how do we remember, then you do get into that, like. How can I just have the biggest suitcase possible and shove as much stuff in there as humanly possible? And me and a friend have to sit on it to get it to close. And then you do get to your destination and you don't need half of those things.

So I do think it's so beautiful to ask yourself, like, why do we remember?

It kind of continuing on that like why we remember one of the things you talk about in the book is You can kind of think of neurons working as a democracy, and I might be butchering this analogy.

Charan Ranganath: No, no, no, no. I mean, that's what I said in the book for sure.

Lainie Rowell: That really helped me understand how the things that do stay with us in the example you're giving kind of win that battle. And so could you explain that for someone who hasn't had a chance to read your beautiful book yet?

Charan Ranganath: Yeah, so basically, the idea is that we don't just have all these pure slots in memory that everything can just go into, right? Part of the reason why we're so economical in terms of the way our brains function is, we use Neurons in a way that's like basically neurons can be part of multiple memories, right?

But what that means is, is that there is this competition between what kind of a memory can be formed and activated at a given time. And so the analogy I gave is that neurons function like democracy, right? Except maybe I didn't quite make this clear in the book, but every neuron can potentially vote more than once sometimes, you know, or they could change their vote.

And so, so that's a little bit of a twist, but if you just think of the more simple story, right? In a democracy, there are these competing factions, and what happens is there's of course winners and losers in a vote, and if you're a child or something like that, and you have basically a lot of, you know, memories in terms of just our general knowledge of semantic memory, for instance.

You have a lot of competition because nothing's really solidified very well yet. The brain is very plastic and susceptible to reorganizing. And so if you're a baby, for instance, it's like some cue in your environment could activate multiple memories. And there's this little fight. And it t takes time to sort out which one is the winner based on which neurons are the ones that are the ones that will win the competition.

And just if you're recording from neurons, that would be just in terms of like the overall rate of activity, we think is how that happens. And so some ensemble, some group of neurons, a faction, which we call a cell assembly is going to be the one that sort of sticks out and that you can think of as the winner of the election.

But where learning happens is that you get this reorganization of the factions after the election so that the winners start to remove the weak elements of the party and there's a little bit of a shake up. But then they also amalgamate. You can think of learning as also an amalgamation of resources.

So once a winner gets entrenched in there, then it's like, they're more likely to win the next time around because they've become leaner and meaner after winning. And so you have this ecosystem of memories. Sometimes memories can form different coalitions and you have organized bodies of knowledge where if you remember one thing, it helps you remember other parts of the same faction.

But sometimes they could be in deep competition so that you're trying to remember the name of some actor. And instead you activate the wrong name, and then it just wipes out your ability to remember the right name. And so, so that's why I wanted to give people a sense of how this works in the brain, because I think people can sometimes think of memory as if it should be a free resource that you can just store as much as you can until you run out of space.

But when you have this competition, what's happening is that competition is emerging from the fact that we can take a small number of neurons and use them to encode a multitude of memories. But then the downside is, is that you always have this fight in this reorganization and this trade off between forming new memories and maybe damaging old memories.

And so that's why we can't always remember everything. There's a cost to forming new memories as well as a benefit.

Lainie Rowell: I don't have the neuroscience background, but in the book, and just now, you explain it in a way that makes it simple for us to understand.

You mentioned semantic memories. Can we talk a little bit about just the basics of what is episodic versus semantic memory, and how does that lead to learning?

Charan Ranganath: So, there's definitely a school of thought, and it's, it's especially in kind of the older generation memory research that, memory is kind of like a lump of here's what I've experienced, here's what I read about in a book, and so forth, here's what I know.

But there's another school of thought which I subscribe to, and I talk about a lot of the evidence for this, that we have different kinds of memory, and one is our knowledge about the facts that we've encountered or beliefs even our general kind of idea of how the world works. And separate from that is these singular experiences that we've had at a particular place in time and we call those latter ones episodic memory.

Now these are kind of the extremes and of course they interact in funny ways and there's a whole kind of gradient in between, but those are the two kinds of basic. Kinds of memory, and the examples that I give would be along the lines of, you know, I can tell you all sorts of stuff about, say, Washington, D. C. And I can tell you, yes, the government is, the president of the United States lives in Washington, D. C., the Pentagon is in the Washington, D. C. area. I can tell you that the District of Columbia is not a state, it's a federal territory or whatever, I don't know. But separate from that is my memory for the last time I was in Washington, D. C. visiting my friend. And that's a event that's localized to a place at a time, and I was there, and so I don't have any confusion between those two. They're just fundamentally different things, and so you can have multiple memories that have the same content in them, but the context can be different.

Right. So you put your keys. In one place in your house today, but you put your keys in a different place in the house on a different day. And the main reason that you can get by is because you have different episodic memories for those two experiences. But if you're just relying on general knowledge, then it's like, okay, where do I generally put my keys?

Sometimes I put it on the counter. Sometimes that can help you too, but sometimes you don't put it in the usual place, right? Or just another example of this is. You have a usual route you drive to for work, or to pick up your child, or whatever it is, and one day you find out that the road is under construction and you have to take this detour, right?

If you rely solely on semantic memory, it's going to take you a while to overcome belief that, you know, you don't want to lose your knowledge of how you usually get to work, but you want to be able to save that singular memory for the fact that the road is closed. And so, having a fast context specific kind of memory, is very useful as well as having a general knowledge that you can apply over and over and over again.

Lainie Rowell: So that episodic memory actually helps us adapt faster, helps us understand like, okay, yeah, we always go that way, but in this situation, we're going to need to go a different way. Is that?

Charan Ranganath: That's exactly right. That's exactly right. And you can see, this is why this is one of the big weaknesses that you see in artificial intelligence.

Everybody In the AI field talks about this phenomenon called the continual learning problem. And so it's like, literally you train up chat GPT. And if you want to incorporate new information, you got to start from scratch and train it up all over again, because what can happen is learning new information can impede its ability to generalize based on what it previously worked, right?

Like having your understanding of how you get to work. So your memory that something has changed temporarily and you don't wanna lose your idea of how you'd usually get to work, but you wanna also not be guided by that for the next week while this construction's taking place. Right? And so those are two competing goals and you wanna have slow learning to be able to kind of get the general gist of where everything is and how you get there.

But you want to have a fast, context specific memory that allows you to override when it's necessary. And that second kind of memory is what's lacking in a lot of modern AI, and that's actually something, I think, that makes us especially relevant, you know? And there's efforts right now to incorporate it in AI, but I think what gives humans our edge is We still have a very unique episodic memory.

Your episodic memories are very different than mine, based on your lived experiences, you know, you had a roommate in college who was an eccentric art major or whatever. I had a roommate in college who was pre law and really into philosophy and, we've got all sorts of memories that we've acquired from those weird, unique experiences that make us different from each other, right?

Lainie Rowell: Yeah.

Charan Ranganath: And that's something that you just can't simulate very easily in you know, in an AI system.

Lainie Rowell: That's good to know. It reminds me of, have you heard of that website? Will a robot steal my job? It's basically like, which are the jobs that AI could do better. And so that's a really helpful insight is like, well, this is what we as humans do outperforming machines for sure. So that's lovely. I want to ask you from an education standpoint, we can even think in the K 12 setting, when we're thinking about semantic versus episodic, I'm thinking like, semantic would be, here's the three branches of government, here's how the government works, versus a simulation, which would be more of an episodic memory creation, and maybe that's not a great way to phrase that, but more about episodic memory, because you're going through this thing that's lived, and it's not just like, I can tell you what's in a textbook, like, I have a real sense of how this would play out in real life.

Is that kind of fair to say?

Charan Ranganath: Yeah, yeah.

Lainie Rowell: I mean it sounds like you're making the case that both are really important, so it seems like for learning to be optimal, we would want both.

Charan Ranganath: Oh yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. I would say that for learning to be optimal, episodic memory is very useful because it allows us to get new information very quickly, but at some point you want to be able to generalize it. For instance, you know your child is like learning something in the classroom, but ideally as an educator, you want them to be able to apply that knowledge outside of the classroom, right? And so that's where semantic memory really comes in. And so part of that interaction between the two comes in learning in different places and spacing out your learning and expressing that memory in different contexts. And sleep plays a role, too, in helping that memory become more generalized. Now, it's not like you can't learn just on the basis of semantic memory. As I talk about in the book, there are kids who've had amnesia because they have brain damage, say from nearly drowning or some kind of a thing that happens during birth, let's say.

And so they can still learn. They can still go to school and graduate high school and so forth, and even sometimes go to college. But they don't have that sense of their own lived experiences. And so as a result, what happens is, is that they are, you know, they, they learn more slowly. It takes them longer to do it.

And that's I think the key is, is that we have this ability to learn very quickly, but there's a tension between this kind of learning very quickly in terms of remembering, Hey, I remember studying, here's the date of this war that took place, or here's like the Spanish word for style or something like that.

Versus being able to use that knowledge and being able to express it in different contexts. And so, at some point you don't want to sit around if you're trying to speak Spanish and recall every time that you heard that word. You just want to be able to say it.

Lainie Rowell: That makes a lot of sense.

I really hear you in like what they both bring to the table episodic and semantics. So that's super helpful. As I was reading the book, I kind of had these teaching strategies come to mind because I kind of felt like what you were sharing with me was reinforcing that.

So I will say, Formative assessment was something that came to mind. And like we call, you know, formative assessment is frequent, low stakes assessment, and that is meant to drive learning. So you could use the analogy of physical exam versus autopsy, which like summative assessment would be the autopsy, right?

It's just like, well, the learning is done. Like, this is how it is and as I was reading, You were talking about you know, testing yourself or these low stake tests that really challenge us do we know what we think we know? And so a little bit about that.

Charan Ranganath: Yeah, yeah. So first of all, almost everyone tells me, how can I remember more? You know, why am I so forgetful? And yet in the moment, people are overwhelmingly, overly optimistic or overly confident about how much they've learned or how much they will remember from an experience. And so people have this kind of belief that learning should be effortless.

And one of the points that I make in the book is, is that in fact, there's a little bit of pain involved in learning, right? And so testing yourself actually creates a little stress test, so to speak, on those cell assemblies that we talked about, right? And so, If you struggle to pull up a memory and eventually get the right answer, or if you struggle like in a test , or if you struggle to pull up a memory and you don't get the right answer, and then you as a teacher give it to me.

Now what happens is I have an opportunity for my brain to reorganize so that I can be optimized to produce the right answer the next time around. And especially to be able to pull up the right answer In a range of different places and situations. And so that's an absolutely crucial part to, in my opinion, to successful education.

And students will, if you ask them, feel like they are learning more by just studying over and over, meaning like read, reading the textbook or something like that, or hearing, you know, now it's like. You can see videos of the lectures or read the notes that are on a discord for my classes and stuff like that.

And it's like they feel like they're learning more, but in fact they're able to retain it much more poorly than if you test yourself, right? And so, and that's just what the data show. And in fact, it's like, even though it's counterintuitive in some ways, it's like, Everybody knows that if you are driving around in a new place, you'll know where things are much better than if you're sitting in an Uber.

Everybody knows that if you're trying to be in a play, you don't sit around and just read the script, you act it out, and, You give yourself a chance to do it from memory and give yourself a chance to screw it up and you get better at it. Right? So I think where what we're missing in education is this idea that being wrong is an opportunity for learning.

It's not. Like somehow, like, because we use assessments, I think is in the autopsy. I like the way you put that, you know, we use it as this kind of an end point or some kind of a yardstick, then it's like, well, getting things wrong is a sign that I failed. Right. And if we want to go back to this example of AI, this concept of error driven learning is huge. Without error driven learning, you have just basically massive problems with a bunch of noise that comes in. And so what you want to be able to do is optimize the memories in the system so that there's as little noise, as little competition as possible, basically.

You want to clamp down that competition. So error driven learning does that. And I think the thing for human learning that we need to really emphasize is this idea of stress testing your memory in using tests, not as a yardstick, but like you said, as a tool for learning. Right. And so, I mean, in theory, if you're just doing perfectly, you're not really learning all that much, you know?

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. And when I was reading, you talk about error driven learning, it reminded me of, are you familiar with Dr. Eric Mazur? When I met him, he was at Harvard, I'm not sure if he's still there, but he did this peer instruction model, and it's this very lovely, you use a digital tool, where you do some instruction, maybe 10 minutes, you poll the group, see where they are, and he has done the research, and there's this whole mapping of like, okay, if, Somewhere between 70 75 percent of people get the answer right, like, don't waste your time talking about it, there's a lot of knowledge in the room, I don't need to spend more time teaching this there's other ways that the ones who don't have it can get there.

And then if there's like, I think it's 30 percent or below get it right. It's like, oh my gosh, there is not a lot of knowledge in this room. Like I got to figure out a way to say this in a different way. I got to reteach it in a different way. But there's this magic, like between 30 and 70 percent getting it right, where you turn and explain your answer to the neighbor without the right answer being revealed.

And they have to make the case for what is the correct answer. And to me that, that kind of fell in line with this error driven learning once we're, once we're like forcing people to commit to like, do you think it's this, it's obviously multiple choice and then, and then like, okay, now could you defend it?

And sometimes people will just talk themselves out of it, just trying to defend it to the person next to them, but more often than not, the person who understands it will explain it to the person who didn't in a way that maybe the teacher wouldn't. So I don't know, I just wondered if that kind of jived with like error driven learning in your mind.

Charan Ranganath: Absolutely, absolutely. , and I think there's one key, which is when you get the answer, you have to really think about it, you know, it's like, you can't just blow it off, but you have to really think about it and process that as new learning that's going against what your brain generated.

And I think this is a huge thing or just processing it in terms of thinking about, yeah, I really struggled to pull that out the last time, but now it's correct. And so, and one of the interesting things that we find is, is that you can get an effective testing before someone has learned anything. And that's one of the most counterintuitive findings that's out there is you haven't learned anything yet.

And I give you a chance . I test you on it and you almost certainly are going to produce the wrong answer, but in many cases, that act of generating the wrong answer can actually help you learn a lot more when I do give you the right answer.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, that feels very counterintuitive because you would worry they're reinforcing the wrong answer, but that's not actually the case.

So, curiosity and dopamine, and as I read your book, as I listen to you talk, there's this joy of curiosity that comes from you that's very infectious, I love that, and you say in the book, "our findings suggest that when a question stimulated curiosity enough to get a shot of dopamine to the hippocampus, people could also take in information that they weren't particularly motivated to learn."

So I think teachers want to know more about this because there's oftentimes where we're asking people to learn things that they might honestly not care about. And so is it fair to say that maybe Some of the, the nice ingredients to get that dopamine coming, novelty, curiosity, struggle are things that could help activate that learning.

Charan Ranganath: Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. There's no doubt that neuromodulators like dopamine really promote plasticity and promote lasting memory. There's decent evidence to suggest that those neuromodulators are just kind of, once they're released, they sort of sit around. So, for instance, there's a really cool study that was done by a scientist named Richard Morris and Dorothy Say.

Actually, Dorothy, I think, was the first author. I'm not 100 percent sure that's the study, but I think it is. But basically, it's like they put a rat in a box that had never been before and this rat was exploring the box, right? And so what happened was you get this release of dopamine in the hippocampus, and that was enough to save memories for things that happened before the rat was in the box.

And likewise, our work was suggesting that this curiosity that we elicited with trivia questions was enough to give people a tiny but measurable improvement in their memory for not only the answers to the trivia questions, but just random faces that we showed to people, right? I think subjectively, we can all relate to that feeling of being curious, whether you're watching something that has commercials and you're waiting for the end of the climax of a movie or TV show, or you know, see something and it just makes you go on Wikipedia and then you look up something and you look up something else.

You go down this wormhole and so forth, and so there's a feeling, but it's not necessarily pleasant, right? It's sometimes it's like unpleasant. It's like an itch that you're trying to scratch, and that's what dopamine is all about. It's really, in my opinion, energizing you to seek rewards or to seek information.

Lainie Rowell: That's so fascinating to me. I mean, this whole conversation has given me a hit of dopamine, but when you're talking about like, you actually remember the things before, which to me, that's bananas. So wait, like I was capturing stuff before I didn't realize necessarily, and it could have gotten filtered out.

But because I have that hit of dopamine, now I am like, Oh, wait, no,, that's with me now, too. Is that fair to say? In very layman's clumsy terms.

Charan Ranganath: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think that's fair to say.

Lainie Rowell: You also talk in the book about attention and memory hygiene, and I am very transparent about this.

I have spoken on stages about this, I am a recovering task switcher. Being intentional with that phrase, task switcher, I would, with a lot of hubris, say I was a multitasker before I came across the work of Dr. Amishi Jha, who I know you're very familiar with, I believe you're even friends with. Tell her I'd love to talk to her.

But at any rate that multitasking doesn't really exist. And so can you talk to us a little bit about just attention and memory hygiene?

Charan Ranganath: Yeah. So basically our ability to hold information in mind is limited. We have this limited capacity. And our ability to focus attention on what's going on around us is limited, and so I think it's fairly intuitive that if I'm paying attention to something, that's what I will remember.

Now, I think the thing that's maybe a little less intuitive for people is that switching attention has a cost, meaning it's like if I'm having a conversation with you. And I mean, actually I kind of did this just now where like, I was trying to find the exact author of that article on the dopamine thing, and I just couldn't stop myself.

Right. And then I come back and I'm like, wait, what were we talking about again? And that switching has a cost. It taxes, our executive function, our ability to load up the rules of what we need to do to accomplish our goals. And so that cost really adds up when we try to multitask, because the fact is we don't multitask.

We basically shift between tasks. That's how the system works because of our limited capacity. Now, sometimes people will go, Oh, well, blah, blah, blah. I can do this. And sometimes what people are talking about is if you have things that are basically part of the same task, then yes, you can do it, right?

Like, learning to drive. It's kind of a transition between multitasking and eventually when you become an expert, it all becomes one task, right? So there is a part of that. But in general, what's been shown over and over and over again is that there's multiple costs in our attention that happen when we shift from one thing to one task to another, and that, although I'm using the word task in kind of a sciencey sense, it's like, yeah, checking email is a task.

Like checking social media is a task in that sense, right? Looking at a text message is a shift. I believe even the shifts in thinking about things like thinking about checking email. is going to have a cost. It doesn't have to be what you overtly do. It's really the change in your mindset that happens, right?

And so that cost means that you have to reload the whole thread of what you were doing when you shift back to whatever it is that's your Primary goal, like maintaining this conversation and not screwing up in the interview for me, let's say. Right? And so I'm gonna be slower, I'm gonna be behind schedule.

I'm not in sync with you until I catch up. And that cost can be even just, you know, a hundred, few hundred milliseconds. But it's a measurable cost. And that gets me behind. What we're also starting to figure out is, every time I make one of these switches, it's looking like you get this little snapshot in memory of what was happening right before that switch.

Now the problem is, is that, ideally in memory what you want, is you want to build a little coalition of pieces of information that all play well together, right? But what can happen is, is if I switch too much, I get a lot of these blurry snapshots where I was kind of still behind schedule and trying to pay attention, and then I switch, and now I've got a little snapshot of that, and then I've got another little snapshot where I'm not, processing things very meaningfully because I'm still catching up.

And so rather than having one cohesive memory, I have a whole lot of little bits and pieces that are actually fighting with each other. I say this in the book that I've sat in conferences and scientists like myself will be checking email during a talk and then we walk out and we're like, Oh yeah, that was a boring talk.

I don't remember anything from it, but it's really that we were, you know, on email and thinking that we could do everything at the same time. But we can't.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, it's, it's costly in a lot of ways. I think for me, it's also emotionally exhausting. Like I find that when I'm doing that. I just walk away like, oh, I'm exhausted versus if I can just single task, or get into to flow. I feel like that's, that's better for me.

Okay. I want to ask you, these might turn into rapid fire questions here,

so One of the questions that I have for you is about gratitude and memory, and what is that relationship like, because I'm fascinated, I've spent years writing and talking about gratitude, and so now here's my big shot. Tell me about gratitude and memory.

Charan Ranganath: Absolutely, yeah, so I've tried to do this, and especially in, tough times the past few days, I've tried to do this, and the reason it's such an important thing to do, at least from a memory perspective, is that remembering events specifically from particular moments in our life brings back that context, brings back that mindset, brings back those emotions from those particular events.

And we know from many, many, many studies that remembering a time in our life when we were sad can make us sad in the present. Remembering a time that we were happy can make us happy in the present. Research has even shown that remembering a time when you've been altruistic and helpful to people can make you feel that way more in the present.

So in other words, remembering can change your mindset. Remembering times that we were impulsive can help us prevent being impulsive in the future because we understand what it is like to be overcome by our desires or our emotions, right? Remembering times that we were able to do really well in an interview or in a speech can overcome our belief that we are not good speakers or not good at interviews or whatever it is, right?

I mean these singular events are very powerful. And so, , I mean, for me, the way I've managed to do it when I do it, is I'll just go through and say, in the past day, what is anything, small as possible, that gave me even the tiniest bit of happiness?

And, it might start with just getting an email from a former student who was telling me how well they're doing now, or something like that. Or, it could be like, I made the perfect espresso this morning, right?

These just tiny things like the espresso would not be important in the scheme of things. Right. But it's like, what happens is it starts to take on momentum and you remember one little minute positive thing. And then all of a sudden other things start popping into mind because once you kind of get in that mindset, then it opens up other memories that are associated with that same context.

And all of a sudden you can realize, boy, in the past week, a lot of good things have happened and I can do this, even though I might I've started off waking up in a terrible mood. I can do this and realize that life has offered me a lot of good things and that makes my mood better in the present.

I used to get stuck in this idea of gratitude practices as being, I'm thankful I don't have cancer or I'm thankful and we should be right. If you don't but I think it's a very powerful thing to focus on the small stuff that's happened recently that's very specific in terms of events, and that's in some ways going to give you a more concrete sense of positive emotions, I guess. Give you more actual kind of re experiencing of positivity in the moment.

Lainie Rowell: I love how you talk about the specific, that's so important. I know I gotta let you go, but I got two quick questions. What is the one important thing that you cannot say enough? You will stand on the rooftops and scream this, what do people need to know about memory?

Charan Ranganath: Memory is not to be thought of as, an easy way of storing every experience that you have. Nor do we want that to be the way memory works. Memory should be a effortful process of finding meaning in our past experiences that we can use to carry into understanding the present and navigating the future.

And we need to be mindful of what memories we create and what memories we pull up in the moment, because memory is a resource. It's a co pilot, but you don't want it in the driver's seat.

Lainie Rowell: That's a great way to put that. Okay. I love that. Now, what are the best ways for people to stay connected with your work?

I hope they will get a copy of Why We Remember. It is so beautiful. I mean, I love that you do such a good job with the stories and the neuroscience and just making it all so accessible. I loved it. I read every word and it was amazing.

Charan Ranganath: Thank you so much.

Well, so you can definitely keep up on my Instagram.

That is almost entirely dedicated to book related stuff, events, and as well as a couple of random music references here and there. And then, I have a mailing list, which I haven't started using yet, but I'm just still finding out how to, how to use it. But if you sign up on my website, CharanRanganath.com, there's a space to enter in your name for the mailing list.

I don't spam people. In fact, I haven't sent anything yet, but I will start sending out resources and tips for brain health, how to remember more effectively the things that you need to remember and you know, keep people up to date on new things that in the field of neuroscience that I want people to be aware of and maybe even tease my next articles and books as they come out.

Lainie Rowell: Amazing. Well, definitely subscribe to that because you're gonna be on the ground floor, early adopter, charter member of a subscribing group, right?

Charan Ranganath: I sincerely hope so. That'd be great. That'd be really great.

Lainie Rowell: Okay, great. Well, I will definitely be doing that. Thank you for writing this book. Thank you for your work and I hope we get a chance to connect another time.

Charan Ranganath: Thanks a lot. No, I would be happy to do so. Thanks Lainie.

Lainie Rowell: Thank you. And thank you all for listening.

Episode 124 - We're not supposed to be [_____________] all the time!

Shownotes:

Somewhere along the way, we got the idea that we’re supposed to be happy all the time. Motivated all the time. Productive all the time. But here’s the thing—chasing those “always” expectations? It’s a one-way ticket to burnout and feeling like we’re never enough.

In this episode, we’re flipping the script. Because emotions, energy, and focus naturally ebb and flow—and fighting that only makes life harder. I’ll break down why embracing the full spectrum of the human experience (yes, even the messy parts) is the key to actually thriving.

Let’s get into it. 🎧

BTW—You can choose your adventure with this one—read the article, listen to the episode, or explore both.

And you can find the article on Thrive Global!

I hope you enjoy whatever adventure you choose!

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, emotional intelligence, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠
Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
LinkedIn - @LainieRowell
Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Episode 123 - Cassie Holmes on Happier Hour

Shownotes:

Are you tired of feeling like there’s never enough time? In this episode, Dr. Cassie Holmes, award-winning teacher, happiness researcher, and bestselling author of Happier Hour, shares how to shift from feeling time-poor to time-rich. With actionable strategies and thought-provoking insights, she explores how spending time wisely can lead to greater joy and purpose. Tune in for a conversation that might just change how you view your most precious resource—time.

Thrive Global Article:

From Time-Poor to Time-Rich: Cassie Holmes on Crafting a Happier Hour

About Our Guest:

Cassie Mogilner Holmes is a chaired professor at UCLA’s Anderson School of Management, an award-winning teacher and researcher on time and happiness, and bestselling author of Happier Hour: How to Beat Distraction, Expand Your Time, and Focus on What Matters Most.

Cassie’s research examines such questions as how focusing on time (rather than money) increases happiness, how the meaning of happiness changes over the course of one’s lifetime, and how much happiness people enjoy from extraordinary versus ordinary experiences. Across these inquiries, her findings highlight the joy that stems from interpersonal connection and paying attention to the present moment.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, social-emotional learning, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠

Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Transcript:

Lainie Rowell:

Well, welcome. I'm super excited for this and How are you today, Cassie?

Cassie Holmes: I'm doing well. Thanks for, thanks for chatting. It's a beautiful morning here in Southern California. I went to the beach this morning and that's like such a way to start the day.

Lainie Rowell: That is a lovely way. I am blessed also to live near water and I can get out there. I didn't get out there today, but now you're inspiring me. Okay, let's talk about your book. There's so many things that you're doing that's great, but I want to really dive into the book if you're good with that.

So your book, Happier Hour, and In the book, you talk about it's not about having more time, but making the time we have rich. Can you tell us a little bit about what that looks like, how you do that in your life, what you recommend for us?

Cassie Holmes: Yeah, I mean, where to start? And I think it's actually a really important point because So many of us feel like we don't have enough time.

And that feeling of time poverty, that sort of acute feeling of having too much to do and not enough time to do it. And it's a really negative experience. We're actually doing a lot of research on it now to See sort of who is most susceptible to feeling time poor as well as what are the consequences of it, with the hope also of finding out what are some ways to sort of offset it.

And the reason it's so important to sort of start there is because some people think that, oh my gosh, I don't feel like I have enough time to even. think about how I spend it, where we're just reacting to what gets presented to us. And that feeling of time poverty is an experience of scarcity, of feeling constrained.

It is associated with heightened feelings of stress. It makes us less healthy because we don't feel like we have time to exercise. It makes us less nice when we're in a hurry. We are less likely to slow down and help others out. makes us less confident in achieving what we set out to do and ultimately, as I study time and happiness, it makes us less happy.

And also the people who tend to feel it look like me. Women tend to feel more time for than men. Having young kids particularly when people have kids under the age of four, but if they still have kids in the home, when you are working full time and your partner is working full time, those are the folks who are sort of most susceptible to this experience.

Sometimes there's this sort of thought like, if only I quit everything, then I would be better, right? If only I were time rich, then I would be happy. But that is not true. And we have explored this with research with Hal Hirschfield and Marissa Sharif. We looked at what's the relationship between the amount of discretionary time people have and their happiness.

And in that work, we found a consistent sort of answer, pattern of results, and for instance, looking at data from the American Time Use Survey, so looking at how tens of thousands of working and non working Americans spend a regular day, how did that relate to their feelings of satisfaction in life, their happiness?

And we found that the results are an upside down U shape. So, like an arc or a rainbow, and this is really interesting because it means that happiness goes down on both ends of the spectrum. That is people who are time poor and not this data, those with less than approximately two hours of discretionary time in the day are less happy.

And that's because of those feelings of stress that I was just talking about that feeling of overwhelm, exhaustion, of not being able to spend time on the things that you want. But what was interesting and surprising was that other side, whether we found there is such thing as having too much time, that those with more than approximately five hours of discretionary time in the day, when they were spending it relaxing, doing what they wanted They were also showing lower levels of life satisfaction, lower levels of happiness, and that is because of lower levels of productivity and lacking a sense of purpose.

Now, I, that was like a long answer to not even, you're like, that wasn't even my question, but it actually starts because you're like, oh, you know, how do we make our time rich? The answer isn't having more time. How do we make ourselves happy? The answer isn't having a whole lot of time available.

What it really is, is when we're looking at that sweet spot between two and five hours of discretionary time in the day, it's actually flat. So it has nothing to do with how much time you have to spend on your discretionary activities, which means that it's actually how you're spending that discretionary time.

But also, even when you're looking at the time rich people, or like the people who have too much time, you don't see actually a drop off if they're spending their time really sort of connecting with others, or when they're spending that discretionary time in these sort of personally enriching and fulfilling ways, like pursuing a hobby.

And also when you go to the other end of the spectrum, the too little time, that is like if you could just get to having a couple hours of the day to spend how you want. Then you're right there. So it's not totally out of reach and we can actually talk more about like, okay, so if it's not about just having a whole lot of time, it's how you spend it, which I actually know was your question, but I'm like, how do we even start?

Where do you want me to start?

Lainie Rowell: Well, first of all, I'm loving this because I read your book. I love it so much. And one of the things I love about it is how practical and actionable it is. And I want to get into that stuff, but I do appreciate it. And I was already asking about time poverty and you just got there because you're such a professional, you're ahead of me and I'm, I'm here for it.

And I can think about times in my life where I felt that time poverty and, you know, we're moms, I've had small kids, and that's when, oh, is time so different. It's that saying that days are long and the years are short, right? It's like you just feel like there's constantly something to do, especially if you're working full time.

But even if you're not, it's still a lot. But I really hear you on you can feel like you don't have enough, but you could also feel like you have too much. And when you're not filling it in meaningful and fulfilling ways, you don't have that sense of purpose. Gosh, you're just kind of lost.

And that's not, that's not great either. So I hear you on those, those extremes. And now let's talk about some of the practical tips that you give us in the book.

Cassie Holmes: Well, I think it's important when we're thinking about time is Yes, it's not about how much you have available, but it's really important to recognize that the amount we have available is ultimately limited, right? Our lives are finite. We do have just 24 hours in the day and how we spend those days sum up to the years of our life.

And what we don't is through that sort of rushing through our days that as you said they can feel sort of endless while we're doing it But then you sort of wake up and you're like, oh my god years have passed and I've just been rushing through it moving through It and what we don't want is to at the end of it look back with regret And so it's important to recognize the preciousness of the time we have in our life so that we can be more intentional and informed of how we spend the hours of our days.

And also when we spend our hours on activities that give us a sense of agency that make us feel effective, that give us that energy. What's really interesting is that it makes us feel like we have more time. That sense of limited and scarcity that is associated with time poverty actually gets alleviated, which is sort of counterintuitive.

You're like, wait, what? You're telling me to like spend time on something to have more time? And yes, It's spending on those activities that fill us. We found in some of our research that actually spending time to help out another person can make you feel like you have more time. And that is because when you spend the time, even though when we feel time poor, we're less likely to help others out.

We're less likely to give our time. We found in our data that when people actually do give some of their time and not in cases where it is taken and all of it is taken from you, but in fact, you are giving it to help someone. What we find is that people feel like they have more time because they feel effective because they're like, Oh my gosh, I accomplished so much with the time that I spent.

It increases your sense of how much you can accomplish with your time more generally. And so it's really helpful to think about for ourselves, what are those ways of spending that actually give us energy, that make us feel capable, effective, and full and protecting and dedicating time to that. So, what are some of those ways of spending?

In research, we'd look at time tracking. So how do people spend their time and relate it to their emotions over the course of their day? So we can pull out on average, what are those activities that tend to be associated with more positive emotion? What are those activities that tend to be associated with more negative emotion?

But that's based off of averages, like the average individual. So even though the data overall might suggest like on average, people are happier when they're socially connecting and like not typically happy when they're working, there are some individuals for whom their work hours are really rewarding.

And there's certainly some work hours that are rewarding for lots of people and also sometimes socializing not very fun. So what I encourage folks to do is actually to track their own time. So when you're talking about practical things one can do, I suggest people do the time tracking exercise, which is over the course of a week, writing down for each half hour, what you did, but as importantly, and be more specific than just work or socializing, like what work activity, and if you're socializing, whom are you with or who are you with and what are you doing and where sort of as important as what you're doing is rating on a 10 point scale.

How do you feel coming out of it? And how satisfied, how happy? And no, this is not me asking you in general, what are those activities that make you happy? We're actually quite bad at predicting or sort of pulling from these general notions of beliefs of what should make me happy. This is based off of your own experience that just happened.

How did it actually make you feel? And while it's sort of tedious to do this for a week, it's totally worth it because then at the end of the week you have this wonderful data set that is yours and you can look across your activities and be like, okay, well, what are those three activities? that got my highest ratings.

And what are those three activities that were like the most negative? Also, you can see just how much time you spent on those various activities. So for those of us who feel time poor, it's actually often surprising, like, oh my god, I spent so much time watching TV, say, if you add up, you know, those three hours each night when you're like watching Netflix.

Over the course of a week, you know, you're watching a lot of TV. And then here you are saying like, I don't have time to do the things that really matter to you while like going, like meeting up with a friend for dinner. Well, yes, you do. And you see it in your own data. If you can like reallocate some of these hours that aren't necessary.

And maybe don't make you feel as great as you think and reallocate those towards activities that from this task, you're like, actually like, Oh, maybe it's not all social connection, but it's like, maybe your happiest activity was like, Meeting up with a friend for coffee. And like, ah, but it's so hard to do that in the busyness of our lives.

But you're like, oh, that is so important to me. Or like, oh, it's important for me to meet up with a friend. Like, what about like my partner, like the one on one date or that? So all to say, Seeing your own data can help inform what are those activities that you dedicate time to, protect time to as well as, what are some of those hours that you can free up from activities that you've typically been sort of mindlessly spending but maybe aren't as nourishing or necessary as you may have thought.

Lainie Rowell: I think this audit is so important and I did it as I was reading the book and I know you have it on your website where people can like download and track and I mean there's other ways to do it of course if you want to go analog or you want to go digital. But I do think it's really important because I feel like our minds lie to us.

I think we sometimes think that there's things we're doing. Like, I am going to so enjoy binge watching Netflix. And then, there's data that says that we actually don't really feel great about that. Now, of course, with the caveat that we're all unique and dynamic and all that fun stuff. But like you're saying, and I'm hearing you loud and clear, like, this is your data.

Like, you're auditing yourself. So you don't even have to listen to what the researchers said based on, like you said, averages, this is your life. You're actually doing this. And I think that's so important. There's things that I do, that once I start doing them, I love them so much.

Like, I'm a big non fiction person because, I just want to keep learning. That's, like, the nerdy thing about me. But if I pick up a really good fiction book and I just, like, drop into it, oh my gosh, I feel so happy doing it. But I have to understand that about myself to make the choice to do it, right?

Cassie Holmes: Absolutely. And as you said, the power comes from it being your own data. For instance, like that surprise, I've had a student they were reflecting on their observations from their own time that they had tracked.

And they're like, Oh my God, you know, here I am thinking that TV at the end of the day is like that thing that I really look forward to and it's like my sort of prize. But then they're like, actually, yeah, that first half hour. Got the high rating, but hour two, three, actually not only like middling, but actually it turns quite negative.

Whereas an activity that they dread like exercise and then they see how they felt coming out of it and it's like fantastic. And not only do they feel fantastic coming out of it. But that positive mood sort of carries over in their subsequent activities. And again, the power comes from them looking at their own data and having these insights of like, Oh, actually it's that first half hour.

It's like when you're just starting the TV show or the TV session. That's really fun, but that's really helpful because then maybe it is, you spread it out so that you have like, not every night you're watching three hours, but like you can have your half hour that is sort of the fun. Or for you when you're like, oh, coming out of. reading fiction, it's like, ah, like that sort of joy and the depth and the breadth, you know, of pulling you out into the world and you're in your, like, through your mind and these stories. But going into it, it's like like, do I have time for this? And like, is it really that worth it? And then you see your own data and you're like, oh, yes, it is worth it because it's like a nine out of 10 versus that even that first half hour of TV.

It's like. That's 6, you know.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, absolutely. So this popped into my head. I should probably save it till later, because I want to talk to you about Time Crafting. But there's this Instagram reel and it's like I would do anything to get eight hours of sleep. And then the other person says, well, you could go to bed eight hours before you have to wake up.

No, I'm not doing that.

We realize, like, maybe if I get a good night's sleep, I'll wake up and I'll feel so much better, but yeah. So we talked about the, the time auditing kind of really keeping track by the half hour, do it for a week, and then you'll really start to see some patterns.

You can do it, like I said, analog, you've got a great tool on your website. If you want to do a digital tool, I actually like, for those who are listening, I like the How We Feel app out of Center for Emotional Intelligence with Mark Brackett and others, but that's a nice one because it also has the emotion built into it, and so I think that's a fun one, just because we tend to have our phones with us, we could go down a whole rabbit hole about that, but at any rate, thank you Let's talk a little bit about, , after you do that audit, like, okay, well now here are the things that I really wish I could make time for, what do I make a move?

Cassie Holmes: I think the audit is really helpful because, or the time tracking, is because it shows how much time you are spending on these activities as well as the emotion from them, but if even without spending the time, that there is a lot of power from simply reflecting and thinking back over your last three weeks, writing down what are those five times that you felt like the happiest, most satisfied. And again, this isn't me asking you in general what do you enjoy doing, it's you thinking back on your last three weeks, your own time and how you spent it. and identifying what are those ways of spending that produce the greatest amount of joy. From pulling out from the time tracking data, the top five, as well as this reflecting on sources of joy what you will sort of realize are, okay, what are some of the commonalities across these things?

Like, Is it for you, perhaps with social connection being so critical to our emotional well being, but the way people sort of find that social connection can vary. For some it is about being in this sort of group setting where you feel part of something bigger. For others, it is about going deep, in one on one interactions.

And so identifying for you, where is that source of connection? So that when you're wishing for or planning, what are those activities that you're going to protect time for you can be informed and deliberate. And I think there's this analogy that is so helpful which highlights the importance of prioritization, that it isn't just that sort of mindless reacting, but being really proactive of once you've identified these sources of satisfaction and joy of putting them into your calendar and protecting time for it.

And it's this analogy of the time jar, where it's like I shared in the first day of my classes, there's like a video that shows this professor walking to his classroom and he puts this large clear jar on the desk in front of the class. And then he asked, he pours golf balls into the jar and they filled to the top.

And he asked the students, is the jar full? And the students nod their head because it looks full, but no. And then he pours in pebbles and it fills the spaces between the golf balls up to the top. Is the jar full? No. Then he pours in sand into the jar and the sand fills all those spaces up to the top. Is the jar full?

And then, you know, nope. There was one more step. He pulls out two bottles of beer, pours one into the jar. And then he takes a sip and from the other and he sort of explains that this jar represents the time of your life. Those golf balls are the things that really matter to you, like that really sort of connection with your family and friends.

The part of your work that you do that's so in line with your purpose. The pebbles are the other important things like your job and your House. The sand is everything else. The sand is all of that stuff that fills your time without you even thinking about it. And what's really important to know is that had he poured the sand into the jar first, all of the golf balls wouldn't have fit.

That's to say that if we let our time get filled, it will absolutely get filled, but not necessarily with the things that matter to us. And so what we need to do is put our golf balls into our time jar first. Use your schedule. So it's not just putting them in anywhere, but actually use your schedule.

This is like where the time crafting comes into play. Use your schedule for those golf balls that you've identified, whether it's through the time tracking, whether it's through the reflecting on your sources of joy. You have identified these things that really matter to you and put them into your schedule, protect time for them, be proactive in how you spend your time and then the rest of the time will get filled, you know, like the sand, and you will see in your time tracking where your sand is that sort of gets filled without you really even recognizing or thinking about it.

But at least this way, being proactive, protecting time for the golf balls, scheduling those times, carving out time for those things that matter. Make it so that even though your schedule is full and at the end of the week you're like, oh my gosh, I was super busy. You don't feel depleted in that time poverty of feeling constrained from being able to do all that you set out to do because you have invested in the stuff that matters.

And so there is where you get the energy and the satisfaction and happiness.

Lainie Rowell: One of the things I appreciate about your work is You're very transparent that there are these universals. Like, we know that social connection is a good thing. And there's even been studies about this. Was it Eppley and Schroeder, the, like, the one on the train where they're like, do you like talking to people or do you not like talking to people?

And then they would make them talk to people whether they said yes or no. I'm butchering the description of this research and I know you know it, but.

Cassie Holmes: It's wonderful research and I love it. Yeah, so talking to strangers, like chatting someone up, even though we think it's going to be terrible and horrible.

We actually feel happier from talking to a stranger because it increases that sense of connection.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, so in your work, you're talking about these universals. Like, look, we know social connection is gonna make you happier, but you also honor and acknowledge that we all have our preferences. So, how you do that social connection, like, how you, Cassie, do it versus how I do it could be very different.

It doesn't make one better than the other. It's just, that's how we're gonna do our social connection. We need to get it in there. We need to prioritize it.

Cassie Holmes: Yeah, and also even those things like exercise. That is something that the research points to as being really a source of energy. It's a mood booster.

Not only is it good for us physically, but it's good for us emotionally. But how we exercise, there's individual variation on what form of exercise, whether you want it to be solo, whether you want it to be outside, whether you want it to be aerobic, we are all quite different in what form of exercise gives us that energy and that mood boost.

So I think again, to your point, it's really important to informed by the sort of like broad ways to identify your sources of satisfaction of ways of spending that are fulfilling and mood boosters. But actually being more specific and identifying it for yourself. And also, I think the understanding that we are different in terms of our values and in terms of our purpose, like what drives us.

There's a lot of individual variation there and for purpose, it sounds like this really lofty thing. People are like, oh, if I'm not a priest or a nurse, I have no purpose. But in fact, we do. And it's trying to identify what your purpose is.

What is your sort of underlying goal? What really drives you? What's your why? And There's a really helpful exercise that I have my students do, which is the 5 Whys exercise. And this is to help people identify their source of purpose. So asking first, what do you do? And this can be professionally or sort of not professionally, but what do you do?

And then asking yourself, well, why do I do that? Oftentimes that first answer is sort of superficial. If you're at work, it's like, to make money. But there's lots of ways you can make money. Why is that the work that you're doing? And then asking yourself for your initial answer, well, why is that important to me?

And then your next answer for that, why is that important to me? And as you're answering the whys of each of your sort of layers it really is clarifying it, like gets you down in that fifth layer of like, oh, what drives me is this And what drives you is going to be different than what drives anyone else.

And this is really helpful because as we're driven towards these like general notions of success, well, what does success mean? Like, it can't be about money because there's always like more money one can have or want. It can't be sort of respect because like respect based off of what?

But when you're very clear for you, what is your own purpose? For me, it's about creating and disseminating knowledge about what makes people happy. Yes, I'm a business school professor. That's like the superficial answer, but why do I do this? And understanding that that's what drives me is disseminating this understanding of how we can feel better in and about our lives.

That's like, Oh, not only do I use that as a filter of how to spend my time, the particular activities to say yes or no to, but also it makes it really satisfying, even if it's like a sort of seemingly menial task when it's like in service of that. I'm like, okay, or even the tedious task that's in the service of that.

I'm like, It feels less onerous. And so I think that identifying your purpose is so helpful in guiding your why in guiding how you spend the hours of your day, but there's also another way to really sort of clarify. Bye. What really matters to you, and that is in your values.

And that is by taking this broader perspective of your life, that is not thinking first about the hours of your day and how do I fill the days, but really thinking about the years of your life and how do you want to spend your life? How do you want to be remembered? And I have yet another exercise that I have my students do, which is writing their own eulogy.

And at the face of it, it sounds like something that's not very happy at all. And here it is, like I'm teaching a happiness class, but it is so empowering because projecting forward to the end of your life and then articulating how you will be remembered is really clarifying about what matters to you, what are your values, what is this also sort of gives some color to your purpose as well.

And with that clarity from taking that broader perspective of time, it can inform how we spend today's hours.

Lainie Rowell: I love these practices and the five whys, like, to really stay in that question, go five layers deep, is really intentional, really thoughtful, and really does give you that clarity.

And you have other practices too, like, maybe we'll have time to talk about the time left, which is, by the way, one that can really tick people off.

Cassie Holmes: It's activating, yeah.

Lainie Rowell: It could be activating. That's a good way to say it. I'll, I'll explain it in a minute. But just, I think that when we appreciate that time is finite, we have to just pause, do these practices to really reflect. So we get clarity about how to move forward. Because I sometimes think about time, like a closet, like your closet space.

You always fill your closet. I have never come to someone's house, opened their closet, and there's just like, a ton of space on one side, or like, cavernous cupboards above, we always fill it, and that's, the same thing's gonna happen with time, we always fill it. So we have to be super intentional about how we do it.

And, so do you wanna share a time left? , I'll tell you if you, if you do it when it comes to like, how many times you see your parents, people get mad, they don't like that one, but go ahead, you'll explain it better than I can. Okay. Yeah, I'm speaking from experience because I did this with my husband.

Like, he was so mad.

Cassie Holmes: He got mad. Yeah.

So, the reason this is important is given the time that we spend, you know, we feel so time poor and we're like, oh my god, I don't have time to do the things that I want. But if you actually are looking at how you're spending your time already, there's so much goodness that's already right there in the time that you're spending.

There's so much joy, but it's really easy not to notice it. Because we've gotten used to it and it's become part of the fabric of our lives. And hedonic adaptation is the psychological tendency to get used to things over time. So, when you do the same thing again and again. You're with the same person over time.

They stop having as intense of an emotional effect on you. And now it's good that we're adaptive when bad stuff happens, cause it makes us resilient, but we also get used to the good stuff such that we stopped noticing it. For example, having a meal with your parents, for example, for me, my coffee dates, I have a weekly coffee date with my daughter Lita.

I've had a student sort of observe that taking their dog for a walk is something that's part of their sort of daily life, which, in reflection, is actually a really beautiful source of happiness and joy of being outside with this fuzzy friend, but when you're doing it again and again, we stop noticing, we stop paying attention, we stop feeling as much joy as we could from life's joys.

Now, how do we offset our propensity to hedonically adapt? How do we offset hedonic adaptation so that we continue to feel the joy from life's joys? One is recognizing that just because that activity is sort of a quote unquote everyday activity now, it doesn't mean that it's going to continue to happen every day.

And certainly not like it does now. And so one way to really bring this home is to count how many times do you actually have left to do this activity in the way that you're doing it now that brings you joy and counting how many times have you done it in the past so that you can actually calculate the percentage of your total times doing this activity in your life.

What percentage do you have left? More often than not. It is much less than one thinks. So my daughter for our coffee dates, this is like such a source of happiness for me because it's when the two of us go to the coffee shop and you know she has her hot chocolate, I have my flat white, we munch on croissants and it's time for just the two of us to chit chat and be together.

And we've been doing this weekly since she was three, when I was sort of on the way from dropping off the carpool of the big kids to meet her on campus at my office. So we do it weekly since she was three. Now she's nine. And I calculated that we have, you know, when she's 12, she's probably going to want to go to the coffee shop with her friends instead of me.

And then she's going to go off to college. And then. She's gonna, you know, live somewhere across the country, probably. So I calculated we have about 36 percent of our coffee dates together left. That is a much less than half. And she's only nine years old. Now, at first, like your husband might be like, dude, why are you making me realize this super sad thing?

And the answer is because it is very powerful and affecting. It changes the way that we spend our time. First of all, it makes us prioritize that time, noting that there's only so many left, even when we're feeling super busy, even when we're feeling super time poor. It makes us make the time. It also affects how we engage during those times, because often even when we're spending the time, we're like distracted, right?

We're on our phones, we're thinking about planning for what's next. It's just like, oh my gosh, I have things to get to, let's like get through with this. But having counted, it's like, no way, Like, I don't want to be thinking about what's next. This is the time that matters. So it makes us pay attention. And it also, it doesn't require a whole lot of time in order for those moments to have a really big effect on our happiness.

And so back to your very initial question of how do we make our time rich? Is it about having more time? And the answer is no, it's not about having a whole lot more time. And it also doesn't even require spending a whole lot of time. on any particular activity, but it does require when we're spending that time in these ways that really matter to us of making them count, right?

It's about the quality during it so that as you're reflecting on You know, our happiness in life. What is happiness? It's how we feel in our moments, but it's also about how we feel about our days and how we feel about our lives over all that satisfaction. These little moments, if we're paying attention, can have a tremendous impact on the satisfaction we feel about our lives.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, I think of it as the savoring of it, right? There's a gratitude practice. I encourage people to actually create a savoring practice because it's so helpful. To me, it really not only slows time, but it slows time in a good way, but it just really helps me to stay out of that feeling like I'm in time poverty.

Like, no, I have, even if it's just five minutes to savor a cup of coffee or to watch the sunset or sunrise, if you're a morning person, which I'm not.

Cassie Holmes: Yeah, in our research, we have found the value of savoring, of noticing and soaking up those little moments. And what we found is that actually As we get older, we become more prone to savor, like we're more likely to savor those simple moments.

But it's not actually about age. It's about when we feel older, we start recognizing that in fact our time is precious. And with that understanding that our time is limited, it makes us so much more pay attention more and soak up and notice and savor those simple pleasures. And so we found in our data that even when you're looking at younger people having them recognize that their time is limited, much like that counting times left exercise does, what it does is it makes people savor.

Because. It's this sort of assumption of abundance and assumption of like we will always have more time which makes us not sort of notice and sort of settle into and soak up and savor those those times that we're spending them but there's so much happiness and joy that's available to us if we pay attention.

Lainie Rowell: My kids this is something I've been trying to model for them, and I did the times left, and so how many holiday seasons do I get left with my kids, because, you know, they're going to go off to college.

My kids are now 11 and 14. So how many have we had in the past? So like, I only have about a quarter of them left. My son, he walked up to me last night and he's like, when are you going to do the stovetop potpourri? And I'm like, oh my gosh, he appreciates those little things.

This stuff I put on the stove that makes the house smell good. And like, he's like, He appreciates that. So not to pat myself on the back, but I am trying to pass it on because I think whether we're parents or educators or whatever it is, we can be kind of talking out loud about what we're doing to hopefully model and get this to the youngers so that they appreciate it.

Cassie Holmes: Totally. But those traditions and there's even research that shows that families who have shared holiday traditions are more likely to gather for the holidays and they enjoy the holidays more. Because what it's doing is it's connecting you to each other over these times.

So that stovetop potpourri is that way? Yeah. That is something that like, yes, Christmas might look a little different and you might gather in different ways and it might not be every year because maybe they have a partner and then it's like, you know, there's lots that goes on in the future.

But those traditions. do hold you together. They keep you connected. And so yes, it's helpful to recognize that there's only a few left so that you totally soak it up and instead of being like super mad of like, Oh, there's so much to do for the holidays to make this special. It's like, Oh my gosh, I only have a few more to actually get to make special.

And so that shift in mindset makes us make the most of the time.

Lainie Rowell: I think that's why I stretch the holidays. The turkeys taste the same with the tree out or not. All right. Well, I know I have to get you out of here pretty soon, but I do want to ask you, like, what is something that you can't share enough or you haven't had a chance to share before?

Just something you want to make sure we all know.

Cassie Holmes: I mean, we've touched on it, but to really sort of drive home the point that when it comes to time and happiness, so often in the sort of sense of time poverty, we feel like time is the obstacle and the challenge and the barrier towards our happiness.

But in actuality, it can be the solution, because if we spend our time intentionally and we pay attention during those times, we can make it so that the values or purpose of taking this broader perspective of time and thinking about the years of our life can inform how we spend those hours today, such that in the coming years, we don't look back with regret.

And then over the course of it, we can feel satisfied and fulfilled.

Lainie Rowell: Thank you so much for your work. How do people stay in touch with you? What's the best way to connect with you and your work?

Cassie Holmes: Well, the book, Happier Hour from my own time tracking, I learned that social media is not where I enjoy spending time, so I am not really on social media other than LinkedIn but on my website, CassieMHolmes.com that's where folks can find about my latest research.

Lainie Rowell: Amazing. I will make sure to put that all in the show notes and of course the Thrive Global article. Cassie, thank you so much for your time and thank you all for listening.

Cassie Holmes: Thank you for having me. This was really fun.

Episode 122 - The Art of Noticing: Finding Meaning in Everyday Moments

Shownotes:

Ever feel like life is moving so fast that you’re missing the moments that actually matter? You’re not alone. In this episode, we’re hitting pause—not to stop the chaos, but to shift how we see it. Because here’s the truth: meaning isn’t in some grand, life-changing event. It’s right in front of us, woven into the smallest, most ordinary moments—if we know how to notice them. Trust me, this shift is big. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Let’s dive in.

BTW—You can choose your adventure with this one—read the article, listen to the episode, or explore both.

And you can find the article on Thrive Global!

I hope you enjoy whatever adventure you choose!

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, social-emotional learning, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠LainieRowell.com⁠⁠

Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠⁠

📚➡️ ⁠⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Episode 121 - Sahil Bloom on the Five Types of Wealth

Shownotes:

Sahil Bloom takes us on a journey to redefine wealth in ways that go far beyond financial success. With insights from his new book, The 5 Types of Wealth: A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life, Sahil shares powerful stories, science-backed strategies, and actionable tools to help us embrace balance and act with purpose. From discovering the beauty of enough to narrowing the gap between learning and action, Sahil's wisdom offers a transformative approach to designing a life of true fulfillment. Don't miss this inspiring conversation that will leave you rethinking how you measure success.

Thrive Global Article:

Sahil Bloom on The 5 Types of Wealth: Redefining Success and Finding the Beauty of Enough

About Our Guest:

Sahil Bloomis an inspirational writer and content creator, captivating millions of people everyweek through his insights and biweekly newsletter,The Curiosity Chronicle. Bloom is a successfulentrepreneur, owner of SRB Holdings, and the managing partner of SRB Ventures, an early-stageinvestment fund. Bloom graduated from Stanford University with an MA in public policy and a BA ineconomics and sociology. He was a four-year member of the Stanford baseball team.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, social-emotional learning, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠

Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Transcript:

Lainie Rowell: What if we've been measuring success all wrong. For much of our lives. We've been conditioned to see money as the only true measure of wealth. So I held bloom challenges, this notion in five types of wealth, a book that balances aspiration with actionable steps and grace while recognizing what makes us beautifully unique and dynamic as humans. During this conversation, Sahil's authenticity and practical wisdom shines as we discuss his journey, his insights and the profound lessons embedded in his work. Enjoy.

Welcome Sahil. So excited to chat with you.

Sahil Bloom: I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me.

Lainie Rowell: Okay. I love your book. I will gush about it non stop. It's this beautiful combination of aspirational and practical and actionable and also a lot of grace in there for the fact that we're humans and we're all different and we make mistakes, but I'm just so excited that the day that this comes out Five Types of Wealth is available.

People will be able to hold it in their hands. Some people like to hug their books If they're one of those people, they'll be hugging the book. And I'm just so excited to get the conversation started.

Sahil Bloom: That's great. I truly appreciate it. I appreciate the praise and the kind words. I really like how you characterized it. And as I sought to write this book, I would say the number one thing that I was really careful about and the number one thing that I really wanted to get across was that I don't have the answers for you and that sounds a little bit crazy to say right like I'm gonna start the interview by telling people that I don't have the answers for them you're talking about a self help or a self improvement book that is telling you that it doesn't have the answers But my biggest complaint about the entire self improvement self help industry is that people are trying to force answers down your throat.

And the reality is that every single person's life is completely different. All of our considerations, our backgrounds, our priorities, they're all different and the best that I can do. And the most important thing is helping you ask the right questions. And that is what this book is all about. The book is about giving you the right questions so that you can wrestle with them and uncover the right answers for your life.

Lainie Rowell: You're so real. That comes through in the book. I mean, thank you to you and your team for giving me a sneak peek. I want to just hear a little bit more about the personal story of how you came to kind of redefine the concept of wealth.

Like, how did this come to be, like, your mission? Because when you write a book, this is like, I have to tell the world this, so.

Sahil Bloom: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, my In hindsight, right? So it's very hard when you're living life to connect these dots. I think it was Steve Jobs in 2005 at Stanford University in his commencement speech, he said that you can never connect the dots looking forward in your life. You can only connect them looking back. And so looking back with the benefit of this hindsight zooming out, I can now see and reflect on the fact that the first 30 years of my life, I basically made all of my decisions on the basis of insecurity, and grounded in this desire to achieve some level of external affirmation that I felt would one day make me wake up and feel good internally.

In other words, I was looking for an external solution to an internal problem. It's hard to say exactly where that insecurity came from I have an incredibly privileged upbringing. My parents are wonderful, loving people, supportive to a fault. I grew up in an environment where academic achievement was the standard.

My mom is Indian, so Indian culture, very academically oriented, and my father's a professor at Harvard. So a very academic household. I have one sibling, who is older than me, who was extraordinarily hardworking and gifted academically. And early on in my life, I kind of convinced myself that she was the smart one and I wasn't very smart.

And that instilled a feeling of a feeling of insecurity in me that was hard to break. No matter how much my parents told me otherwise, no matter how much anyone said anything it was very challenging for me to crack that sort of original story that I told myself. And as a result, I made decisions that were trying to compensate for that insecurity.

I tried to sound impressive on the outside so that I would start to feel impressive on the inside. I think there's probably people out there who can resonate with that, who have felt that at different times. That meant that I chose going to the school that sounded the most impressive. Taking, a baseball scholarship to try to sound impressive on the outside when frankly, I probably would have been better off going to a place where I could have gotten more individual attention, something smaller, something with less prestige.

Again, when I went to take my first job, I wanted to take the job that sounded the most impressive. Not the one that was maybe the best path for me, not the one that felt like a calling towards my purpose, but the one that made me feel like I made it, quote unquote. And this was all grounded in this assumption that one day I would wake up, and feel like I had arrived, right?

It's called the Arrival Fallacy. It's this idea that we think that one day we're going to wake up and have achieved the thing that we've propped up as the destination, and we're going to feel this contentment, this happiness, this joy, fulfillment, happiness. We're going to be in that idyllic land.

Everything's going to be great. And what we all find, time and time again, is that it is a fallacy. You get there, you feel this momentary blip of that euphoria, and then immediately you feel this, like, Is that it? This sort of never enough dread. And that was what happened to me. I kept convincing myself that my feelings of happiness were on the other side of some promotion, some bonus, some title, whatever the thing was.

And I was blinding myself to the fact that as I was on that march, every single other thing in my life was starting to crumble. I was so myopically, narrowly focused on making more and more money, to sound impressive, to feel impressive, that I was allowing these other areas of my life to crumble. My relationship with my wife was suffering, my relationship with my parents was almost non existent, I was living 3, 000 miles apart, my relationship with my sister had really suffered, I had created this competitive tension and dynamic with her that was impossible to break, my health was suffering from lack of sleep, stress, drinking too much, my mental health, all of these other areas of my life were falling apart while I was, like, seemingly winning the game from the outside looking in. And I had this moment where I realized that If this was what winning the game looked like, then I had to be playing the wrong game.

And that turning point, and the actual event that precipitated it, is the story that led to me writing this book. That journey that I ended up going on.

Lainie Rowell: I think you came to this earlier in life than some people do because it's really easy to keep just saying, Oh, well, I just need this one more thing. I just need to get that job. I just need to live in that house or things like that. Our mind does lie to us about what makes us happy. It's really interesting. And this book with the five types of wealth, you've really come up with this holistic approach. I'd love for you to tell us what are these five types of wealth?

Sahil Bloom: Yeah, I think the important piece here is this whole idea that what you measure really matters. Because what you measure ends up being what you build around, what you optimize around. Peter Drucker, the management theorist, once said, "What gets measured gets managed."

And that is very true for humans. Whatever we can measure ends up being the one thing that we focus on. And because money is so measurable, it has become the sole way that we measure our lives. Because it's so easy, it's so easy to put a number to it. It's not actually our fault. It's just the fact that it is such a simple way to measure our worth, measure who we are.

But unfortunately, what that leads to is this over optimization around one singular metric that actually doesn't lead to to us winning the war, if you will. You know, there's this idea that I talk about in the book of the Pyrrhic victory. The idea of a victory that comes at such a steep cost to the victor, that it might as well have been a defeat.

Meaning you win the battle, but you're going to lose the war. And that's really what I feel a lot of us are marching towards. When we focus so narrowly on making money, and that is our entire goal, we're going to win that battle. We might make a lot of money, but if you earn a lot of money, but you end up divorced three times, your kids don't talk to you, you're 200 pounds overweight and you can't stand yourself, that is not winning the war.

The war is about time, people, purpose, and health. Money is a contributor to a lot of those things, and it can be a tool for building those things, but it's not an end in and of itself. And that's really the important thing that I'm trying to get across in this book. When you go talk to, and I did this, hundreds and hundreds of people nearing the end of their life.

What do they talk about? They don't talk about money. They talk about those things. Time, people, purpose, and health. And money may have been a contributor to them, but it's never an end in and of itself.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. The stories you share in the book, they really strike a chord. They get straight to the heart, and I think that's, so important for kind of waking us up and being like, wait, we're not putting enough attention into like social wealth or mental wealth.

And let's actually talk a little bit about mental wealth. And you write about living a purpose imbued life as part of mental wealth. And you say, never let the quest for more distract you from the beauty of enough. I triple underlined because that is such a lovely way to talk about the beauty of enough because I think it is very easy to get distracted.

How does that idea help us define our purpose?

Sahil Bloom: So that line is right in the prologue of the book, and it came to me after a very formative moment in my life, I mentioned that a lot of areas of my life were suffering when I was living, you know, playing this wrong game, and one of those areas was that my wife and I were struggling to conceive for maybe a year, year and a half in California we'd been unable to naturally, and there might be some people out there listening to this that are on that journey or have experienced that, and it tends to be something that people suffer with in silence.

It is stigmatized in a weird way. It was a burden that my wife carried silently and that I was not present enough to help carry it at the time because of the things that were happening internally in my life. And the most beautiful thing that happened was we made this change. We moved back to the East Coast to be closer to our families. And within two weeks of getting back home, my wife got pregnant naturally. And it was just this reminder that when your life comes into alignment. Everything falls into place as it should. And I had a moment shortly after my son was born. I was out walking him. He would only sleep when I was taking him out on walks in those early months.

And so I was out walking with him. I was on the sidewalk and this old man approached me and he came up to me and he said, I remember being out here with my newborn daughter. She's 45 years old now. It goes by fast, cherish it. And it hit me so hard. And I took my son back home and I kept brought him into bed with us.

My wife was still asleep and the sun was kind of like just coming through the windows. It's a moment I'll never forget. It's so clear in my mind because he had this little smile on his face. And I just had this sensation that for the first time in my life, I had arrived. But I didn't want anything more.

There was nothing else that I wanted. That moment was enough. And in that moment, that was where that idea came into my mind. Never let the quest for something more distract you from the beauty of those moments of enough. And as a motto for life, as a mantra for life, I can't imagine anything more powerful than that.

Lainie Rowell: Ooh, I got the goosies. I think it resonates with everyone. It super resonates with me, especially because I write and speak about gratitude a lot. And a lot of gratitude is just noticing. That's like the first step in gratitude is you have to notice. And so I really feel like that's kind of a big part of the call to action from that line is like, just notice what you already have.

And I think that's a really, really beautiful thing to achieve is to be present.

Sahil Bloom: Yeah. You know, at the end of every section of the book I have for each type of wealth, there's a guide. And the guide is filled with these science backed proven strategies for actually building that type of wealth into your life.

Real actions you can go and take right now, either tiny or big, to start building it. And one of them for mental wealth, is this thing I call the 1 1 1 method. And all it is, is at the end of every day, you write down one win from the day, that's something that you felt good about, something that went well one point of stress, tension, or anxiety, something that's on your mind that you need to get off of it, and then one point of gratitude.

Something tiny that you noticed during the day that you stopped, paused, and appreciated. And I have found so much benefit from doing that. It takes literally two minutes on most evenings, and doing it before bed, it forces that gratitude into your day. It's It's sort of an example of Kurt Vonnegut, the famous author gave this commencement speech at Rice University, I think in 1997.

And in it, he tells this story of this uncle of his who had this habit of stopping during the course of the day and looking up at the sky and just saying, if this isn't nice, what is? And as a practice, it's such a beautiful thing to think about because there's so many moments as we walk through our daily lives that are beautiful in that way.

But when we don't pause and recognize them, they don't get internalized, we don't actually feel the benefit in the same way. So those times when you're walking around and your kid smiles, or something goes well that you didn't expect to, or it smells nice outside, stop and actually recognize it.

Make sure you internalize those moments because it improves your mental health, it improves your sleep, and you just feel so much more texture in your days.

Lainie Rowell: Sahil, I love that texture in your days. And I also really love that you talked about, notice the tiny things. I think sometimes when someone says, what do you feel grateful for?

People go, Oh, my family. And that's like a big thing. And that's a lot of people. And when you talk about things that are like really tiny I think it's really easier to kind of dig into that. So I love that.

Sahil Bloom: Yeah. You know, that's kind of a basis and a, and a core point in the entire book, which is a lot of stagnation in life doesn't actually come from , not knowing what to do.

It doesn't actually come from how challenging it is to do those things. It comes from this pre start intimidation. Meaning, you're standing where you are, and you see the life that you want to live. And it's at the top of this enormous wall. And you can't possibly imagine getting to the top of that wall.

It's just, it's so far off, it's so high, you can't see the footholds. There's nothing that you can see that makes it appear as though you can get there. And we, we say that so we just don't do anything. And the reality is you don't need to scale the wall in one step. It's not going to take one day, it's going to take a long time, but you don't need to think about that.

All you need to think about is the one tiny thing that you can do right now. It's like in that movie The Martian Matt Damon talks about how he got home from Mars. And he says that you just solve one problem, and then you solve another one, and then you solve another one. But you don't have to worry about the million problems you're gonna have to solve to get home.

You just solve the one. And I think about that so often in life, that like, if we can just focus our energy on the tiny action today, on the tiny little thing, the one problem, the one decision, everything becomes achievable through that mentality.

Lainie Rowell: I love that. It's like a problem has all these little problems stuck together.

You got to pull them apart. Just one at a time. Take care of it.

Sahil Bloom: Yeah, exactly.

Lainie Rowell: Let's talk about social wealth. Loneliness is a big issue. today. I mean, I think awareness was probably raised during the pandemic, but it's been an issue, it's still an issue, and what did your research uncover about the profound impacts of relationships on well being and how can we build those meaningful connections?

Sahil Bloom: Yeah Look, the research is clear. There is clear scientific evidence that the strength of your relationships impacts your health and happiness more than almost any other factor. The Harvard Study of Adult Development is this, I would argue, the most powerful study of the last hundred years. It was a 80 plus year longitudinal study that followed the lives of 1, 300 participants.

And what they found was incredible. Which is that the single greatest predictor of physical health, actually how you felt physically and your health at at age 80, was your strength of your relationships at age 50. So not your blood pressure, not your cholesterol, none of those things mattered as much as how you felt your relationship satisfaction at 50 impacted your health at age 80.

And that is just clear proof that our relationships are the thing. That is the texture in our lives. And yet we don't think to invest in those relationships in the same way as we think to invest in a stock or a mutual fund or some other area of our life financially. But relationships pay dividends.

Arguably that are even more important and more impactful than any financial investment you can make. And as you said, we live in a loneliness pandemic, right? It's the real pandemic that we should be focused on and worried about right now. Teenagers are spending 70 percent less time with their friends in person than they were two decades ago.

60 percent of people in America now are saying that they don't have a single very, very close friend. I mean, there's terrifying stats coming out on a daily basis, and it needs to be addressed. It needs to be something that we all focus on, and yet again, the tiny daily investments make a huge long term impact.

Lainie Rowell: For those who've listened to the podcast for a while, we did actually have Robert Waldinger on episode 89. He's so brilliant. I really loved it. I was so happy when that was in the book. I was like, tell more people about this study. I mean, how many studies do we have that have been that long?

None. Like there's no other study.

Sahil Bloom: He is very special. He's a dear friend. I actually had dinner with him a couple nights ago. He's one of the early readers and reviewers of this book. And he's starting to work on his next book which is going to be fantastic as well.

Lainie Rowell: Okay, well, he told me I'm allowed to call him Bob, but I'm not close enough to have gone out to dinner with him , and I will have to chat with him about talking to him when his next book comes out. But what I love about your book, The Five Types of Wealth, is you bring in the best of the research of others.

You're bringing in the voices from really, really important people. You're bringing in your research, these hundreds of interviews that you've done, and I really want to highlight this, you mentioned this earlier, but at the end of a section, the tools that you give are so practical, so actionable, and I mean, I was blown away.

Time Wealth is the first one so that's the first one I get to, and I get to the section with the tools, and I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is like a ton of tools. This is so amazing. You handle it perfectly because you're like, I don't expect you to do all these, just go through and look at the ones that you want, which is perfect.

But I just felt like it was so great because, if this tool doesn't appeal to me, I've got plenty of other options. So I love that. I love that.

Sahil Bloom: I'm glad you liked that. This was a big point of focus for me and something that I would say most publishers would not have been comfortable with because it's atypical for people to include that much into a book that you know, they would probably generally say, like, you should just do the book on one of these types of wealth and then you can write five books and it'll be great.

And I didn't want to do that because they all come together in concert. And to the point of including those, one of my biggest gripes with self improvement content is that it creates this enormous information action gap. Meaning all the information is consumed and then very little action is actually taken on that information.

And when you find the most successful people in the world, in whatever domain, what you see about them, the common trait is that the gap between when they consume information and when they act on that information is tiny, almost miniscule. They immediately act on the new information. And so what I wanted to do with the book and with the format of it was make it really easy to do that.

So it's like that idea of just go pick one thing. Do the thing that takes you two minutes to do today. Because if you do that, you might change your life. And not because the idea is so incredible or life changing, but because the momentum that it creates is the life changing part, because you feel then that winning sensation.

You feel that goodness that comes with the little bit of progress you made. We've all experienced that. Like, if you've ever gone to the gym and you went consistently for a week, and you notice that you feel a little different, or you notice that your belt goes in a notch or you notice that you look a little different in the mirror, that momentum, It carries you for months and months, and so I wanted the book to feel that way, where you feel like you get that little bit of momentum that pushes you to just keep making those little positive changes in your life.

Lainie Rowell: I really want to value the unique and dynamic in everyone. And I think you did that so beautifully because I, Lainie, reading through it, could come across the time section and if there had only been one practice in there, and that practice didn't hit right for me on that particular day, then I would have just been like, not for me and moved on.

But you give us all these different ones. Guaranteed if I went through there and read it today, in a different state, I might find another practice and be like, Oh, this one is for me.

Sahil Bloom: Yeah, my hope is that people come back to the book. I say that in the early part, that You know, your life has seasons, and what you prioritize or focus on during any one season will change.

And so, you coming back to the book you know, if you read it for the first time in your early 20s, and you're really going to be in a season of career building and financial wealth, that's great. This book has something for you. If you come back to it in your 30s when you have young children and you really want to focus on being there during those years for them, it has something for you.

You come back to it as a retiree, it has something completely different for you. And you'll read it in an entirely different way because your lens will be so different that you're seeing the same stories through. And that to me is the real power in it.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. And even just the basic of the formatting of it where it's very easy to flip through to the section where it's like, here's how to put it into practice. So I love that.

Sahil Bloom: I'm happy to hear that. Thank you.

Lainie Rowell: Let's talk about physical wealth. This is again where I think you have this beautiful tension between aspirational and practical. So for example, you share Ryan's story to illustrate physical wealth, but you're saying, well, he's like at level 100.

You don't have to be at level 100, right? And that grace of like, well, this is him and his priorities. And like you were just talking about, like it's kind of where you are in the season of your life. Yeah. But how can we find our own balance with that physical wealth?

Sahil Bloom: Yeah, you raise a very important point, which is this video game analogy that I bring up that you know, unfortunately, social media really rewards and promotes level 100 stuff, right?

You know, financial guru talking about the, like, fancy crypto covered call arbitrage, whatever fancy strategy is the thing that goes viral, not the person just giving you the like, Hey, go invest in low cost index funds, right? That's not going viral. When people say that, it's the same for physical wealth where the people that are pushing the envelope with the craziest stuff are the people that are getting the most views and they are doing an incredible job of driving new interest in building physical wealth and in investing in these areas of your life.

But being able to distill then back, pull back to say, okay, what is the version of this that I can actually do in my life is the next step. That again is the shrinking of the information action gap, because otherwise I'm consuming all this incredible information that Brian is sharing publicly for free, but I'm not actually doing anything about it.

Because I cannot possibly take the number of hours that he takes, or the number of pills, or whatever it is that he's doing. And so, that is what I'm really trying to get at in the physical wealth section in particular. It's, what are the basic pillars here? And really, all they are, it's movement, nutrition, and recovery.

And level one? Of each of those gets you 80 plus percent of the benefit, right? Level one of of movement is just move for 30 minutes a day. I don't care if you walk, jog, sprint, run, ski dance, like whatever movement you enjoy, do that every single day for 30 minutes, and that will get you a whole lot of benefit if your baseline is significantly lower than that.

In nutrition, just try to eat 80 percent of your meals in single ingredient, whole, unprocessed foods. Simple. And then recovery, just sleep seven hours a night. You don't need to worry about like, you know, I post videos of cold plunges. You don't need to cold plunge. You don't need to sauna every night.

You don't need to red light therapy, whatever, do injections. Look, none of that matters. You don't need to do any of that. Just sleep for seven hours a night, and you'll get 80 percent of the benefit. And the point is that this should be a video game in the sense that you hit level one and you consistently do those three things, then you can think about the next layer.

Then you can start thinking about leveling up to those next levels. But until you do the basics, don't worry about it. You don't need to stress over all of those crazy things that other people are doing.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah. And it goes back to kind of the, the Martian example you gave earlier, like to solve the one problem and then you can solve the next problem, right?

One of my favorite James Clear quotes talking about consistency over intensity, and I hear you talking about that too, right, and I appreciate you talking about kind of like there's, you know, so many people trying to get our attention and a lot of people are good at getting our interest, but they're not good at closing that information to action gap that you talk about and getting us to like, not just be interested, but to sustainably do it.

I think your book is really a great tool for that. I do think people should go back to it over and over again, because it's going to be really helpful at every stage of your life. Let's talk about some practical strategies, which you've already given us a ton of, but I want to talk specifically about, you talk about the life razor in your book.

Can you tell us about that and how it's going to help us make some better decisions?

Sahil Bloom: The best way to explain the Life Razor is probably to give you an example. I met and spoke with a man by the name of Mark Randolph. He was the founder and first CEO of Netflix, company that everyone now knows.

And Mark had posted this incredible, little essay, short essay about a ritual that he had throughout his entire ultra successful technology career, which was that no matter what, he never missed a Tuesday dinner with his wife. Every single Tuesday throughout his career, he and his wife would have a date at 5 p.m. And what he says in the post is that. If there was a crisis happening, if there were meetings, if whatever, they all had to end by 5 p. m. It was a non negotiable ritual. And when we spoke, I had this sensation that it wasn't really about the 5 p. m. dinner. It wasn't really about the date or anything in particular that they were doing.

It was about the message that that sent. It was about the identity that it instilled. That he was the type of person who never missed a 5 p. m. dinner. That his priorities around his wife, around his children, around all those things in his life sat at the top of his stack. And that got me thinking about this idea that we all need our version of that 5 p. m. dinner. We all need our version of the one single defining rule that allows us to cut through the noise in our life. The one thing that is identity creating for us that has ripple effects into all of these other decisions and areas of our life. And so I walked through an exercise in the book of how to come up with your version of that.

How to come up with that statement of, I am the type of person who blank. Like, what is it? His was, I'm the type of person who never misses a 5pm dinner with my wife. That has ripple effects. Mine is, I am the type of person who will coach my son's sports teams. Because to me, that means that I am a present father.

It means I'm the type of dad that my son wants to have around, which means I have to act certain ways with him, that I have to have the relationship with him. It means I'm a community member. It means I'm a loving husband to my wife. And it means that my teams, the people that I'm around, see the boundaries that I'm creating, see the priorities that I have around my family, and they feel empowered to build the same into their life, which makes them more focused.

It makes them more loyal when they're working with me and when they're here. And it has those ripple effects. And so that is an exercise that I think is really, really important. It's in the upfront section of the book for a reason because knowing that, figuring out your life razor, that one single heuristic that cuts through the noise of everything else is such a powerful tool for your entire life and your journey.

Lainie Rowell: I think it's really profound.

If there is one piece of advice you could give anyone about redefining wealth, what would that be?

Sahil Bloom: I think the single most important thing is to recognize how time is your most precious asset.

The time wealth section is up front for a reason. That recognition that time is the only asset that matters is so important to building a life of wealth in all of these different areas. Time tends to be one of those things that we don't think about until the very end when it's the only thing we think about.

And I asked this question in the book of, would you trade lives with Warren Buffett? And I say, he's worth 130 billion, he has access to anyone in the entire world, flies around on private jets everywhere, has houses all over the place and he reads and learns all day. But you would not trade lives with him because you would not be willing to trade all of that money for the amount of time that you have left.

You wouldn't do that. And on the flip side, he would probably trade all of it to have the amount of time you have left. He's 95 years old. And so we recognize in the back of our minds subconsciously that time is so precious, that it is such a valuable asset. And yet, we take actions on a daily basis that spit on it.

We disregard that. We, we do things that we know are not driving us forward in the direction of our dream future life. Making that mental shift, recognizing just how finite, just how impermanent your time is, just how precious it is, that is what unlocks all of this.

Lainie Rowell: If there is one thing that you cannot share enough, or something that you've never had a chance to share before, what would that be?

Like, what is the hill you die on, , the thing that everyone needs to know? And if it's time, we're good, but if there's something else, you're like, I really wish people knew this.

Sahil Bloom: Yeah, I mean, I really wish that people knew that, ultimately the ability to clearly define what enough looks like, financially, is the single greatest unlock for your happiness in life, because your normal and biological predisposition is to have that be just like a mirage, that kind of, as you get close to it, it disappears and it reappears further away, and we're wired that way for a reason, because hedonic adaptation it's called because it wasn't particularly positive for our survival to feel content.

If you were in the wild and all of a sudden you felt content, you might get eaten by a lion or you might starve. We don't really have to face those same issues today. We face different issues in life. And so there is a level of contentment, of happiness, of fulfillment in your daily journey that is a massive positive for your life.

But it only comes through understanding what enough looks like to you. And that doesn't mean that it has to be Spartan. It doesn't have to be that you're moving off into the Himalayas and you know, drinking warm broth and living as a monk. I'm not gonna join you. You can do that if you want, but I'm not gonna be there.

It might be that your enough life has a few houses because you love entertaining people and being able to create experiences with people you love. And enough doesn't mean that you reduce your ambition either it just means that your ambition comes from a desire to further your purpose, or to grow, not to just make more money.

And so you need to find that grounding, find the grounding in the right things, and focus on and measure the right things, and you take the right actions and create the best outcomes.

Lainie Rowell: Love that. I would love to have you share now, how can people stay connected to your work? Five Types of Wealth. If you are listening to this, it is out.

You can have it in your hands, there's places online, you could get it like probably within 24 hours.

Sahil Bloom: Like a drone will come and drop it off on your head or something.

Lainie Rowell: In addition to Five Types of Wealth, the book, physical, digital, however you want to get it. But what are some other ways that people can stay connected to you?

Sahil Bloom: Yeah all of my work and everything that I do is at SahilBloom.com . That's probably the best hub. I am on most of the platforms at some level. But I love, love, love, love, love, nothing more than actually meeting and interacting with people so if you send me an email, if you send me a DM, that's not my team responding to it, that's me I am truly committed to this journey of creating these positive ripples in the world, and the only way I know to do that is through real human interaction so I'm thrilled to have a chance to interact with any of you.

If you do buy the book, I would love for you to do that, and please send me a message, let me know what you think of it, let me know what impacted you nothing would make me happier.

Lainie Rowell: Absolutely. And on your website, people can also subscribe to your newsletter. So that's one too. All right. Well, Sahil, it has been so fun chatting with you.

And I am so excited that your book is out in the world and people get to read it, experience it. Hopefully they will come back to it because there's so much richness in there. They can revisit it multiple times. That makes it a really good investment, doesn't it? Right?

Sahil Bloom: I think so.

Lainie Rowell: All right, Sahil, thank you for your time and thank you all for listening.

Sahil Bloom: Thank you.

Episode 120 - Overriding Our Factory Settings: From Survival Mode to Thriving

Shownotes:

In this episode, we dig into how our brains are wired for survival—not happiness—and why that’s holding us back. I’ll walk you through how to override these outdated factory settings, embrace your emotions, and start taking control. We’ll cover simple strategies like grounding techniques and powerful gratitude practices that help you shift your mindset and thrive. If you’re ready to break out of autopilot and make changes that actually stick, you don’t want to miss this.

BTW—You can choose your adventure with this one—read the article, listen to the episode, or explore both.

And you can find the article on Thrive Global!

I hope you enjoy whatever adventure you choose!

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, social-emotional learning, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠LainieRowell.com⁠⁠

Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠⁠

📚➡️ ⁠⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Episode 119 - Catherine Price on How to Break Up With Your Phone

Shownotes:

Are you ready to rethink your relationship with your phone? In this episode, I sit down with Catherine Price, bestselling author of How to Break Up With Your Phone, to explore how we can transform our phones from overwhelming temptations into practical tools—like a Swiss army knife for modern life. Catherine sheds light on the subconscious brain-hacking tactics that keep us glued to our screens and shares why it’s not your fault if you’re struggling with phone habits. Together, we dive into strategies for reclaiming your time and attention without beating yourself up. Listen in for empowering insights that will inspire you to take back control.

Thrive Global Article:

About Our Guest:

Catherine Price is an award-winning health and science journalist, speaker, and founder of Screen/Life Balance. She is the bestselling author of several books, including How to Break Up With Your Phone: The 30-Day Plan to Take Back Your Life, The Power of Fun: How to Feel Alive Again, and Vitamania: How Vitamins Revolutionized the Way We Think About Food. Her journalistic work has been featured in publications such as The Best American Science Writing, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Slate, and Popular Science. Catherine’s TED talk on fun has been viewed more than 5 million times.

About Lainie:

Lainie Rowell is a bestselling author, award-winning educator, and TEDx speaker. She is dedicated to human flourishing, focusing on community building, social-emotional learning, and honoring what makes each of us unique and dynamic through learner-driven design. She earned her degree in psychology and went on to earn both a post-graduate credential and a master's degree in education. An international keynote speaker, Lainie has presented in 41 states as well as in dozens of countries across 4 continents. As a consultant, Lainie’s client list ranges from Fortune 100 companies like Apple and Google to school districts and independent schools. Learn more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠linktr.ee/lainierowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.

Website - ⁠LainieRowell.com⁠

Twitter - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Instagram - ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@LainieRowell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Evolving with Gratitude, the book is available ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ And now, Bold Gratitude: The Journal Designed for You and by You is available too!

Both Evolving with Gratitude & Bold Gratitude have generous bulk pricing for purchasing 10+ copies delivered to the same location.🙌

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/ewgbulkdiscount⁠

📚➡️ ⁠bit.ly/bgbulkdiscount⁠

Just fill out the forms linked above and someone will get back to you ASAP! 

Transcript:

Lainie Rowell: Hi, Catherine. Thank you so much for being here.

Catherine Price: Oh, thank you for having me.

Lainie Rowell: It's so good to see you again. We did actually get to see each other in person in July when you completely owned the stage at a conference, C A M T S S P L I, the world's longest acronym. But you were one of the keynotes for that conference and everyone adored you.

We made the mistake of only buying a limited quantity of your books and they sold out. I don't know, did I tell you this? They sold out.

Catherine Price: No, that's not true. Wonderful.

Lainie Rowell: So people like ran from the arena and there was a really long line and they all sold out. It was sold out immediately.

Catherine Price: Oh, that's so nice.

Lainie Rowell: If there's anyone listening who plans to have Catherine keynote their event, a word to the wise, order more books than you think because she sells her books because they hear her and they want more. So

Catherine Price: that's really great.

Lainie Rowell: And I'm so happy to have you here. You've written a number of books I want to talk about the journey. So you had how to break up with your phone in 2018. Then another book. okay, , Talk about how to break up with your phone. , How did that start? And how do we get this new iteration of it?

Catherine Price: So yeah, I mean, I am a health and science journalist by background with a with a love of personal essays. I had not intended to write about technology at all. I wasn't interested in particularly, but I had my daughter in 2015, and I started to notice when she was a baby that there were a lot of moments where I would be with her and I'd be on my phone and I noticed that she would be looking up at me, this little baby, and then I was looking down at something else.

And it really bothered me. I think for a number of reasons, one is that it just wasn't what I wanted her impression of a human relationship to be. And it wasn't how I wanted to be living my own life. And then I also just knew from my background as a science journalist, that babies can only focus about 10 inches in front of their faces, presumably so that they're able to bond with the caregiver who is holding them.

And I also had come across something called the still face experiment, which is a very interesting experiment which if you Google it, there's a two minute video that's guaranteed to make you cry. But it basically the idea is to have a baby and a parent interact normally with each other. And then for one to two minutes, the parent goes totally still faced and doesn't respond to the baby at all.

And the baby goes through these stages very quickly of confusion and distress and then the baby gets to the point of shrieking and trying to get out of the seat that they're in. It's very difficult to watch, and the good part of the video is that when the parent starts to interact with the baby normally again and respond to them, the baby calms down.

They've done studies that actually show that there's a spike in cortisol levels and heart rate, like the baby's physiologically stressed out. They calm down. But the question is, what happens if that connection is not re established? And all that is to say that when I noticed that I was looking at my phone when my daughter was looking at me, I started to wonder, oh my goodness, am I still facing my own child?

And what impact might that have on her? And that really bothered me. So I decided that I needed to create a better relationship with my phone and better boundaries with it. And I started looking around for a book that could give me a solution. But But at that point, this was around 2016 at this point, there wasn't really a book that gave a solution.

There were a few books I found talking about screens and the internet in general, but nothing that filled that gap. And so I thought, maybe I could write that book myself and try to create a book that would combine a look at what our screen time is doing to us, with an investigation into why it's so hard to look away from our screens and phones, and then combine that with an actual plan to help people take back control.

So that is what ended up being How to Break Up With Your Phone. And that was great. That was, yeah, 2018 is when that book came out. I was feeling pretty good about it. I did the plan myself, and I did create a much better relationship with my phone, and I, it truly has changed my life and, and my relationships, and I'm thrilled about that.

But I didn't realize I was going to open up a new problem for myself, which is what led to the subsequent book, The Power of Fun, which we can talk about later But yeah, just as a teaser there, if you end up spending less time on your phone, you end up with a lot more free time and you have to figure out what to do with it.

But yeah, that's how, that's how How to Break With Your Phone came to be. And then I'm happy to say that I got permission from the publisher to do an updated edition because things have changed since 2018. I've revised the plan a bit and added a lot more updated material and that revised edition is out as of February, 2025.

Lainie Rowell: I am so glad that one, you put the book out into the world. What's that saying? We write the books we need to read, and you went to go read the book, it wasn't there, so you wrote it. I love that. And then, that story about you and your daughter has always resonated with me. I've been familiar with your work for a long time.

And, I thought about it recently because our family just got a new dog. Now, I know you're talking about the human relationship, but I noticed that my daughter, who is a teenager, she's not on social media, but she does have a phone. I noticed that we got this new dog and this dog was looking to her for attention and she was looking at the phone.

I just completely threw my daughter under the bus, but, she's young and it's my job to help her through that. And so we had to like, I just want you to know, you didn't realize it. But Lash was looking at you and you were looking at your phone and I was like, Oh my gosh, this is Catherine.

Catherine Price: It's so funny you say that.

I'm looking to my left because my dog is lying on the, she's a black dog. She's like on a bright white bed next to me. That's great. But anyway, she does the same thing. That dog will notice if I'm on my phone or my husband is on his phone. and she, she's a very quiet dog but she gets very grumpy if she notices this and she'll start going and sometimes actually barking at us and it's become a running joke between me and my daughter that it's when Tasha the dog catches me on what we call the rectangle and we'll say oh you're on the rectangle she doesn't like it when you're on the rectangle again you know what are you doing it's and I think that's an important thing for people to recognize is that Even animals notice when our attention is diverted.

And so I think as parents, and I say this without any kind of guilt tripping, but I think it's important for us to recognize that our kids notice when we're not paying attention to them, when we're physically present, but we're mentally in a different space. And you can decide what you want to do with that realization.

But for me, I was like, oh my goodness, I need to be very careful about not acting like I'm with my daughter when I'm not actually with my daughter. Cause she can tell. And in some ways that feels more damaging to me than just, not being with her in that moment, you know, physically separating myself and saying, I have to go do something, but I will be back.

And when I'm with you, I am present with you.

Lainie Rowell: It's so remarkable that you had that awareness of what was happening with you and your daughter, because when you're staring at that device, all your, all your focus is on that. And so it's really hard to step away from that and look at the big picture and be like, what's happening in this scene right here.

And so the fact that you did that, I think is. is lovely. And, you know, in your book, you talk about how we often reach for it without thinking about it, right? And that that can leave us almost feeling numb and And I think when you were talking about it in the book, you were saying like, numb rather than soothed, right?

And I mean, I have worked really hard to have healthy boundaries with my phone. I mean, I could list out all the things. I do not keep my phone in my bedroom. I, I actually use, this is meant for kids, but I use downtime, time settings on myself. And it's just, as you would say, a speed bump. I can override it very easily.

My kids can't, but I can. It's very easy to override, but it's a. It's a trigger to go like, wait, why are you doing this? You're not supposed to be doing this. So I've got downtime from sleep time to eight 30 in the morning. Cause I feel like if I win the morning, I'm going to be better off throughout the day.

I have trained my social media. My kids even talk about, they're like, mom, you're looking at that too long. It's going to think you like it.

Catherine Price: That millisecond it takes for it to decide that you're, you're interested. Yeah.

Lainie Rowell: I'm like, oh, you're right. You're right. And this is really, don't, you know, move on, move on.

I've turned notifications off. I have, anyways, all this to say that I feel like I do more than the average person and I am still not perfect. So even with these practices, it's not always easy. And so what advice do you have for us? Help us out.

Catherine Price: Well, I would say to cut yourself a break because it, you're exactly correct.

It's not easy and no one's relationship with their phone is ever going to be perfect. Mine is not perfect. And I literally wrote the book but it's a lot better. And it's something that. It's a constant, it's a reminder to me, like my, the work I've put into trying to create a healthy relationship with my phone not only has resulted in a better relationship, but it's trained me to just be hyper aware of it.

And so I'm constantly checking in with myself. And I think that's probably what we all should be aspiring to in terms of our definition of success, because in reality, these apps and devices are designed to steal our attention from us. They're designed to be addictive. They're designed to be difficult to have good boundaries with, and so to hold yourself to the standard of perfection is not, well, really for anything, right, that's not realistic.

I think everything that you're doing is exactly what I would advise that people do to create boundaries with their phones. And in the examples that you're referring to, you've created physical boundaries such as not having your phone in the bedroom.

I would also add to that, and you probably have done this already, but making sure that people have standalone alarm clocks so that you're not relying on your phone as an alarm clock. It's actually really interesting how often people have said, Oh my God, I did this. I knew I was supposed to, but I finally did it and it changed my life.

Because if you think about it, You have to touch an alarm clock to get it to be quiet. So if your phone's your alarm clock, you're going to touch it first thing in the morning. And as you were talking about, in terms of winning your mornings, if you touch the phone, the phone's going to dominate your morning because you're going to see whatever is on its screen.

So just getting your phone out of the bedroom and getting an alarm clock can really help you regain control of your before bedtime hours, which in turn will prevent results in better sleep and then that will also give you an opportunity to decide what you want to do in the moments after you wake up and really set the tone for the whole day.

But I also always say it's very important to have a positive goal in mind for this entire endeavor because a lot of people will come at the idea of reducing their screen time from a very restrictive perspective. Especially around New Year's, you know, everyone's like, Oh, I need to cut back on my phone.

My book always has a spike around New Year's. And it's very clear why, because that's when people start to have these self restricted resolutions. So I would encourage people instead to frame it as what do you actually want to be doing more of? You know, where do you want to be spending your attention?

What would make you feel good? And as you were saying, what would make you feel soothed or nourished or alive or energetic? How can you make more time for that stuff? If you focus on that, you're naturally going to decrease your screen time because you only have a limited amount of time in the day, and you're going to have to cut back on something else.

So I really recommend trying to figure out what is your positive reason for wanting to cut back on screen time. What do you want to do or prioritize instead? And once you have that positive framework in mind, it's also going to be a lot easier to figure out what you need to do in terms of creating boundaries.

So we just talked about some physical boundaries you can make, but can also create better digital boundaries with your phone by, for example, greatly reducing the notifications on your device. They really shouldn't be called notifications, that's an indication that it's important information, but the only entity to whom all those notifications is important, is the app makers, because they make money if they can interrupt our lives, our moments with our kids, our moments with our friends and family, and get us to turn to our devices.

So instead I suggest think of those as interruptions and then ask yourself what's worth being interrupted for and then only allow interruptions from those apps and only allow whatever Interruptions are important and there might not be all of your options. And I also would recommend that if you know that an app is problematic for you, try getting it off your phone, you know, even if it's for a few hours, but I'd recommend try it for a day, try it for a weekend, see what happens.

I haven't had news apps on my phone in literally years because I realized I would just keep checking them. and oh please, please everyone, please turn off the notifications and the interruptions from news apps just in general because I think Apple even does that by default. All the Apple news notifications, those rarely make anyone feel better.

You rarely get notifications about puppies. It's just not really designed for that. So yeah, I'd recommend figuring out whatever your problematic apps are. For many people it's social media or it's games or it's the news. It's basically the apps that are designed to mimic slot machines and they're apps that are designed their business models such that they make money when we spend time on them.

So those would be some starting suggestions I would have. And I also think it's important to retrain your attention span because all of us have very atrophied attention spans if we ever develop them at all because when we look at our phones and all the messages and the information that were presented by them. It's really causing us to get into this superficial shallow level of focus. We're constantly distracted and flitting between things almost like water bugs on the surface of water instead of ever actually diving in. I think we don't realize that. We feel kind of scattered and frazzled and burned out.

We don't really know why. And I think a lot of that is because we're trying to multitask all the time and we're dividing our attention between multiple apps, multiple notifications, all these things at once. So one thing I suggest is, in addition to creating better boundaries with the phone, set aside some time each day for uninterrupted focus.

And it can be as simple as putting your phone in the other room or talking to Turning it off. They can be turned off, by the way. It takes a little while, but, and actually reading. Just pick up a book or a magazine article. Ideally not something online because there are links which are distracting, but try to just read a book for 10 minutes.

And don't be alarmed if it's extremely difficult at first. It will get easier, your attention will come back, in many cases, surprisingly quickly, but that actually is incredibly useful. You can meditate or you can do another attention building practice, but even something as simple as just reading for 10 minutes will help you begin to rebuild your muscle of attention.

Lainie Rowell: Yes, you and I are. are very focused on attention. That sounds redundant, but I heard phones called the dopamine casino and I thought that was a really good expression. Because it does fall in line with that, like everything is geared towards trying to get your attention and get you to stay there longer, which obviously casinos are trying to do too.

I have notifications or as you call them interruptions turned off and it has, almost never had a bad consequence. And even when it is, it's, it's usually just been a matter of like my husband went to the store and I wanted something picked up and I didn't get the notification from him because my phone's silenced and all that thing.

So I do think that we do have to train ourselves to have that attention. You talk about flow in the book, which is something that I feel deprived if I don't get into flow on a somewhat regular basis. I almost started to feel anxious about it. Like I know I haven't had time to get into flow.

Can you talk to us a little bit about that? Because I think that's an important one.

Catherine Price: Sure. So flow is a term coined by a psychologist named Mihal Csikszentmihalyi, who is a Hungarian psychologist.

Lainie Rowell: By the way, you handled that beautifully. His is one of the hardest names to say.

Catherine Price: Well, I don't know if I said his first name entirely correctly, but yes, Csikszentmihalyi.

It is not spelled like that. It's Hungarian. But anyway, he came up with this term flow to describe the state of being totally actively engaged and present in your experience, often to the point where you lose track of time. And often at the edge of your limits in a pleasant way where you're challenged, but you're not frustrated by it.

And the quintessential example that I like to mention is Rock Climbers, and he actually did a lot of work with rock climbers. interviewing rock climbers to talk to them about the state that they were in when they were climbing rock faces because as you can imagine, you have to be totally engaged and present and focused in order to do that.

But you can also think of an athlete playing a game or a musician playing a piece of music or yourself in the middle of a really good conversation or when you're totally immersed in a work project when time seems to. I'd like to, to clarify when I talk about flow that you can also lose track of time when you're watching Netflix, but that is not the same thing.

That's passive consumption. And that's what Csikszentmihalyi called junk flow. Yeah. Real or true flow is a really active and engaged state. And then I do a lot of work about fun, as you know, because that's how we initially met, but I also like to point out that I think one of the key elements of fun is flow, and so anything that distracts you is going to kick you out of flow and therefore prevent you from having fun, and so I always like to bring that up too, that it's not just flow that you're going to miss out on if you're allowing constant Distractions to interrupt your day.

You're actually going to miss out on the opportunity to have fun

Lainie Rowell: Well and I want to talk more about fun. But before I forget I do want to ask you about how you do kind of a collaborative breakup because I love that you and your husband do the digital sabbath And I would love You know, your advice for strategies, like, first of all, tell us what the Digital Sabbath is, and also, you know, what are some strategies for getting other people on the bus with us, because it's like, it's like a social contagion, it's like, so clear, I mean, if you step into an elevator, and one person pulls out their phone, everyone else will pull out their phone almost immediately, and it's just, we see someone grab a phone, and then we're like, oh, I should have my phone out too, so, what, what's the Digital Sabbath, and what should we do to help people other people join us?

Catherine Price: Yes, well, I might actually reverse the order that I will answer those because one of the questions I get the most often is, what do I do about my girlfriend, boyfriend, you know, partner, husband, wife, kid, like who a friend who's on their phone too much, and they don't think that they're on their phone too much, and I don't know how to have this conversation.

And one suggestion I always give is that you can, you know, say that you listened to some woman, as in me, give a talk about phones, and you could say that she brought up the idea of this digital Sabbath, or taking a 24 hour break from your phone, and that you're curious about trying this, and you'd like them to join you as a favor to you to deal with your problem with your phone, right?

Lainie Rowell: And chances are we have a problem too, or at least could use a refresh. You'll benefit from the practice, right?

Catherine Price: Exactly. And the 24 hour break from your devices, there's a lot of terms for it, but one term that's used is the digital Sabbath. And you're taking a break from technology intentionally, and then using that time to do things that are more present and more connected.

But I like the idea of inviting other people to do that with us, not only because the experience is better when you do it with other people, but because it's a really good conversation starter, because chances are if you're asking someone who you know has a problem with their phone to join you in taking a break from their phone, they're going to push back. And that itself can be an interesting entry point to a conversation. And then it can get a little bit sensitive. Like I then start feeling like a couples therapist where it's like, okay, well make sure you use a lot of I feel statements instead of, you know, don't say you're always on your phone.

You say something like, I just, I feel kind of hurt when we're together and your attention is on your phone, but you're sitting with me across the table on a date, you know, whatever that is, and frame it in a positive manner. Yeah. So like, I'd really like to have a special experience together where we're fully present, and I'm really curious about trying this experiment where we spend, you know, the night or 24 hours without our phones.

Like, would you be open to doing that with me, just as an experiment? And frame it as an experiment, because it's just a day, or it's just a dinner, or it's just a night. I mean, that's not that much time. And I really like, I like that for a number of reasons. It just, as I said, it starts the conversation.

It's going to lead to realizations because you're going to have a lot to talk about as a result of the experiment. You're probably both going to feel antsy and jumpy and anxious for the first while, but you might be surprised by the end of it and how different you feel, how you actually feel calmer or time may seem to slow down, or you just may start to realize, oh, wow, I really, do feel more connected when we're not on our phones.

You know, there really might be opportunities for genuine insight from the person who had been very resistant. So I encourage you to try that, even if it's just a one off thing. And then the other thing I would suggest is that I designed the breakup plan in the book to be a 30 day experience. I should also clarify, by breaking up, I don't mean throwing your phone out.

I mean creating a new, healthier relationship. But I always encourage people to, if you're going to do that plan, invite someone else to do it alongside you, because it's like having an accountability buddy for anything, you know? It's going to be easier to stick to it if you're doing it with someone else.

And honestly, it'll be more fun. Like, the breakup plan is not designed to be restrictive. It's. designed to help you learn more about yourself and get back in touch with what you actually want to be doing with your time and to bring you closer with your loved ones. So if you can convince a loved one or two or, you know, your book club or whatever, like a group of friends to do that with you, I think it can be a really rewarding experience beyond whatever changes you end up making to your relationship with your phone.

Lainie Rowell: I love that road map at the, it's like the part two of the book is the 30 day breakup and you even say like skim the plan, get an idea of what's happening as we move forward. There might be some things you could do today that maybe won't be that hard for you. Just go ahead and start that.

Catherine Price: Yeah, exactly. And that would be like, you know, turning off those notification interruptions or getting the phone out of the bedroom. Like, just do that now. Then, then if you do do the 30 day plan, you'll be ahead of the game.

I also just thought one more thing I should say in terms of a tip. I think that can be very useful to people if you're just trying to change something on your phone that will help you is that we typically have all of our apps on the home screen in the order that we downloaded them in and that's, that's Kind of silly if you think about it because chances are some of your most problematic apps are sitting there right on your home screen staring you in the face every time you open your phone.

So I would spend a little bit of time today or sometime someday soon just rearranging your home screen. I actually took all the apps off my home screen and I just put them into the app library and I search for apps manually when I want to open them and just that little switch means that I'm much more likely to not open apps on autopilot because I don't see them And it makes it more likely that it's an intentional choice.

So that can be really helpful for people. And I'd also say there's a number of app blocking apps and also gadgets, like third party solutions where you can set an actual limit for your phone time. So I know you were just saying you use the downtime features, but as you also said, you can override all of them with the tap of a finger and then just feel bad about yourself for having done so.

So I would suggest researching some of these third party solutions. I have some listed at catherineprice.Com if people want to check them out, but just look up like app blocking app or app blocking gadget and there's a number that are really great where you can easily find them actually block apps you're trying to take a break from and essentially turn your phone from this temptation, this Pandora's box, into a tool, like a Swiss army knife that actually helps you because you still have the maps and you still have your calendar, but you don't have social media.

So I recommend those.

Lainie Rowell: I want to talk a little bit about kind of going a little deeper in the stress and in the book you talk about the prefrontal cortex tends to freak out and default to more impulsive parts of the brain. So how does this neurological dynamic kind of influence our phone habits? Like, this is where I'm kind of asking you to nerd out because you do have that science journalist background. So I want you to dig into that if you're okay with it.

Catherine Price: Oh, sure. . So I got very interested in the question of why our phones and these apps are so hard to put down and what is happening in our brains when we interact with them. And so I, I love to dork out about this. I would say the first thing I think that, is interesting and important to recognize is just how consciously the most problematic apps are designed to suck us in and that the term used by the companies making these apps is actually brain hacking.

They're trying to hack our brains and our children's brains so that we will spend the absolute maximum amount of time as possible on them, because that is how they make money. And the way they do that is to pack their apps with dopamine triggers. Dopamine is a chemical our brains release that is a way of indicating when something is worth doing again.

So it's actually a salience indicator, and it's a motivator. So for example, If you were to be walking in the woods and see, you know, raspberries on a bush and they look really appealing and you taste them and they're sweet and you don't die and you're nourished, your brain will release a teensy bit of dopamine reminding you the next time you're in the woods, you should look for those raspberries and motivating you to seek them out and eat them again.

So you can see why dopamine would be evolutionarily essential for a species. It reminds us to do things like eat and reproduce, but our dopamine systems are non discriminatory. They're not evaluating whether it's actually a behavior that we want to repeat or should repeat. Basically, if something triggers dopamine, we will want to repeat it without any kind of judgment.

And so that means if you want to create a product that will get people hooked and get them to come back compulsively again and again and again and again, all you need to do is put dopamine triggers into your product. And that is exactly what slot machine makers do. There are dopamine triggers everywhere on a slot machine.

Yeah. So it's worth pointing out that many of our most problematic apps are deliberately designed to mimic slot machines. And the term I've heard used for phones that I think is particularly compelling is that they are slot machines that we keep in our pockets. Yeah, and if you recognize some of these dopamine triggers you can start to fight back against some of the most problematic aspects of our phones. So for example, bright colors are huge dopamine triggers, especially contrasting colors like that bright red of the raspberry against the green leaf. You can think about what a slot machine looks like, very colorful, and what your smartphone looks like, also very colorful.

Those are all Colors that have been chosen by humans, not like the raspberry, that's just, it just grew that way. But humans can study which colors are the most likely to trigger the most dopamine and get us to come back. For example, the red of a notification bubble is the same red as a stop sign, it's the same red as blood, it actually is the same red as the raspberry.

That red is particularly good at getting us to pay attention to it. So that's why a suggestion many people use is to turn your phone screen to black and white because if you do that, even temporarily, you'll notice it is viscerally less appealing. It's amazing. I can feel it on a physical, like a physical level.

I am not as interested in it. I would suggest, though, if you try that, you need to make sure that you adjust your phone settings so that it, It is a quick toggle back and forth. In other words, you don't want to have to go deep into your settings every time you want to turn it to black and white and back to color because you'll never stick with it.

But as a quick pro tip, if you google how to use the accessibility functions on an iPhone, to adjust the color you will be able to just hit the side button three times quickly and it will go back and forth between black and white and color to make it easy if you need to see something in color. So colors are a huge dopamine trigger.

Novelty, huge dopamine trigger. So you're gonna find something new every time you look at your phone. And if you've ever found yourself kind of cycling through apps like this, Like checking the weather again and again, why are you doing that? It's cause your brain is hoping there'll be something new there.

So anything that delivers novelty is dopamine trigger, but even better than novelty is unpredictability. So you'd think that you'd want to be finding good results like every time you check or every time you play slot machine. But in reality, if we want to, It's only an occasional good result and you can't predict when that good result will be, you're more likely to stay there and keep using it.

And obviously you can see that with a slot machine and you can see that with your phone. You don't know what's going to be there. So you feel that you have to keep checking. Anticipation is also a trigger. So in a slot machine, like it could show you if the three cherries lined up immediately, but that's why you have to wait for the wheels to stop turning even on the digital slot machines where there's no actual lever to pull. It's kind of nuts. And if you think about on a phone, you're pulling to refresh or there's a pause before things load and whether or not that's a deliberate design element, which in some cases it is, that will get your brain to release even more dopamine and anticipation.

So my point being, Our phones are packed with dopamine triggers, and that is a deliberate attempt to hack our brains to motivate us to keep coming back for more. And, it's kind of crazy to think about all the, all the, other impacts that our phone use is having on our brains. I don't know how many more you want me to go into, but I think that it's important for people to recognize that if you're struggling with your phone habits, it's not your fault, because so much of this is happening on a subconscious neurological level that we don't ultimately have control over, because we don't even know it's happening.

So if it feels hard, It's because it is hard and it's very important not to beat yourself up.

Lainie Rowell: I would hate for someone to think, like, I just don't have the willpower. You are up against something that has been designed to make sure that you reach for this phone as often as possible.

It's so interesting so, like I said, I have notifications turned off as I'm guessing you do too. My social media apps will remind me like, Hey, notifications are off, wanna turn back on? No, no, I don't. I really appreciate that I believe you present a balanced approach.

You're again, not saying throw away your phone, and you're not saying like, never use these things. But it's just about being intentional and really focused. And what do I want my attention going to? And how can I set myself up to have the most success in that and so I really appreciate this very holistic approach and let's get back to fun a little bit because I do love the arc of like okay well I'm gonna write the book that I need to read about how to break up with your phone, which is really probably more about have a better relationship with your phone.

Is that fair to say?

Catherine Price: Oh yeah, I think that's an important distinction. I was kind of alluding to that, but just to be really explicit, because I think we tend to think of phone as a category and then we just like make ourselves feel guilty when we spend quote too much time on it. But in reality, The phone itself is not the problem, it's all the stuff on the phone, and there's a lot of things on the phone that are legitimately very useful, like the phone, or maps, as I was saying, or your banking app, or, weather, or whatever, like there's a lot of, I think of them as kind of Swiss Army knife tools on your phone.

Or stuff you like legitimately enjoy in small doses on the phone that you use it for, like, keep that stuff. What we're trying to figure out is where your real problems are, the stuff that it's like junk food apps where they just make you feel, or the slot machine apps, honestly, that make you feel gross after you use them.

That's what we're trying to get rid of, but I don't think it would be realistic or even a sensible goal to try to just eliminate phones entirely. I mean, you could if you wanted, but there's a lot of useful stuff.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, and actually there was a guy, I wish, I even tried to find it before we chatted, I cannot find his name, but he was on a podcast and he got interviewed, and he actually did give up his phone, like a hundred percent, and for a significant amount of time, it was either a month or a year, maybe you know who this is, but

Catherine Price: hello goodbye phone, hello world.

There was a guy whose son was asking for a phone and he said, well, I'm not giving you one. And the son's like, basically like you're being a hypocrite. And so his dad just got rid of his phone for a year.

Lainie Rowell: It might have been him. The interesting thing was yes, there were benefits, but he, like, literally could not be a full participant of society, because it's like, how do you do your banking?

It's like, there were just things that, like, how do you get a car? Like, if you can't If you're not somewhere with a taxi, like, how do you?

Catherine Price: I know that's, yeah, my big issue is like, oh, there's no Uber, like, yeah, it's hard to, some of the things are truly convenient and that do help you and do make your life better, you know, or easier.

And you do want to keep that part.

Lainie Rowell: Yeah, there are even minimum wage jobs that you have to actually apply for online. That is how ubiquitous the expectation is that we all have this. So yes, Like you say, unrealistic to throw away the phone. But just to have that intentional relationship, to use it like a Swiss Army knife.

I love when you say that. And then to, when you are gonna do, because I'll be honest, I do, I do social media. I have some very real intention with it. Like when I get on social media, it should be to learn something, to share something that adds value to others, or to express gratitude, or maybe to amplify.

Like I have these like buckets of like, what am I going in here to do it? And there are times where I'm like, I think me and my kids could use a little fun and we're gonna look at reels. And now I can do that with my kids because my feed is pretty well trained that I don't get expletives, I don't get inappropriate content but there's definitely times where I'm just gonna like stand somewhere and I'm bored and I just say you know what I'm gonna go ahead and go on social media This is gonna be fine.

I'm gonna look through some reels I'm gonna see Jameis Winston, and how excited he is to play in the snow. He is delightful.

So let's talk about your phone and fun. But first tell us what your definition of fun is because I think there's a really great message here too.

Catherine Price: Yeah, so the reason I thought it was important to come up with the definition of fun is that I realized that there wasn't really a good one.

And the reason I got interested in fun, as I was alluding to before, is that when I started spending less time on my phone, I ended up with more free time and I didn't know what to do with it. And so I started trying to fill my time with things I might enjoy, one of which was taking a guitar class. And I started to have this really euphoric feeling in the class.

This was in very early parenthood, so I'm gonna blame that on the fact that it took me an embarrassingly long time to put a name to the feeling I was experiencing, which was fun. And so I got very interested in what fun is, because it was just, filling me up and lighting me up and making me energized for, you know, the rest of the week.

So just as I wrote a book about phones because I couldn't find what I was looking for, I realized there wasn't really anything written about fun. There weren't books about fun. There was no research about fun, which was fascinating. One of the top hits on PubMed, the database of biomedical literature, was an article about toenail fungus called Putting the Fun in Fungi.

And I was like, wow, if that's one of the top hits on PubMed, then there's a, it's a gap here. And then I also noticed that the dictionary definition of fun which is basically that it's light hearted pleasure or enjoyment or amusement. It didn't match up with the feeling that I was experiencing that I described as fun, and when I started collecting stories from people around the world about their fun experiences, which is something I started to do, didn't match either.

Like, it was very clear that people's most fun memories were some of their peak memories from their whole lives. So I thought, huh, maybe it needs a new definition. And I thought, I don't know, maybe I could come up with one. So I did come up with one. And then I ran it by all these people that I was collecting stories from to see if it matched their experiences and they said it did. So what I came up with is that the moments in which we're having what I call true fun are when we're experiencing a combination of three states. One of them is flow, which we've already talked about, the state of state of active and complete engagement in the present moment with absent distractions.

One is playfulness and one is connection. So playfulness, connection and flow. And by playfulness, I don't mean that you have to play games Be childish or silly, necessarily, unless that's your thing. I really just am talking about having a light hearted attitude. Not taking things too seriously, finding ways to laugh, silencing your inner critic.

This was a state that came up in nearly everyone's stories of fun. And then connection refers to the feeling of having a special shared experience. And I did find some people who had this feeling of connection when they were alone, maybe to their own bodies, maybe to the physical environment, maybe to an animal.

But in the vast majority of stories, even for introverts, there was another person involved. My proposal is that True Fun is this combination of playfulness, connection, and flow. And if I were showing pictures right now, I have a Venn diagram, because, you know, what's more fun than a Venn diagram?

But with playfulness, connection, and flow as circles, and in the center is this kind of bullseye of fun, of true fun. And I call it true fun because I realized we use the word fun all the time, and a lot of times it's for things that don't result in this euphoric feeling, because we'll say things like, Oh, I'm looking at social media for fun, but then we feel gross afterwards.

So I came up with a term called fake fun. Which is a term I use to describe products or activities that are marketed to us as fun, but that don't actually result in the euphoric feeling of true fun. And those are things that, in most cases, people will benefit from reducing or eliminating so they have more time for the good stuff.

So I think of my own leisure time as being in these three buckets of things that might produce the feeling of true fun, things that are likely to result in the feeling of fake fun that I don't want to be doing, and then there's also a category of things that are just, you know, enjoyable or nourishing in a quieter way, like reading a book or going for a walk or taking a bath or, you know, doing yoga.

Definitely worth the time, but it's a different energy that results from that kind of activity than from activities that produce true fun. So all of this goes back to your question about the phone. I would say, of all the thousands of stories I've collected from people around the world about their peak fun moments.

I can't think of a single one that happened on a phone. Certainly didn't happen on social media. What I would say is that the times in which I see technology playing a role in this true fun is when the technology or the device or the app is being used as a way to playfully connect with someone else in real life.

So if you're having a conversation with someone on the phone, like a synchronous conversation, Video or phone conversation and you're laughing and you're totally engaged and present and playfully, you know, in flow That's using your phone in a way that creates true fun Or I've heard from a lot of people who are video game fans that if they're using the video game as a structure helps them interact with their friends.

So they're laughing and they're bonding as they're playing a game. That's a way in which I've seen technology produce true fun. But anything where your energy gets stuck in the phone, I almost think of it as feng shui, like if your energy goes through the phone to help you to connect to someone, that's probably a good thing.

If it gets stuck in the phone, that ends up being fake fun. passive consumption, it might be stimulating like you can get a dopamine rush from it, like a quick hit of satisfaction, which many of us get when we first check social media. That's the feeling of that dopamine reaction.

But it's not going to be fulfilling and it's not going to leave us feeling nourished in the same way as the actual fun experience.

Lainie Rowell: I think that's important to distinguish, and yes, I can imagine that if you're asking people about their true fun experiences, it doesn't mean they've never had true fun on a phone, as you just said but it's probably not up there as, like, one that they're thinking so highly of they need to share it with you.

I will say, when my kids were young, we used an app called A Story Before Bed. It's not around anymore, sorry, spoiler. But it was really sweet because my family, like, we were just talking before we hit record, I've got one that lives in Hawaii, we've got several that live in Oklahoma.

So we're dealing with different time zones, sometimes trying to FaceTime with them wasn't like the best. So this was an app where it like recorded your family member in the book. And then my kids would actually listen to the grandma read them a story before bed.

Catherine Price: I would say that sounds like a really sweet way to use technology as a way to create that connection. I mean, maybe not in the same, like, you know, you weren't together, so it wasn't like a shared experience in the moment, but I totally agree with you that, like, that's an example where technology enables us to do something we couldn't do otherwise, and that's really neat, and what an amazing memento, or hopefully, hopefully the videos at least still exist, where you have that to look back on.

Like, that's one of those things that's like, wow, how amazing that we can do that.

Lainie Rowell: It was really, really sweet. Trying to be really intentional with like, okay, well, this will be a fun thing for them to do where they get to feel connected to a family member.

Like you said, the thing that they couldn't have done without the technology, but not in place of other things like playing with friends or anything like that. So, right. It all comes back to such an important part of your message, which is just being intentional. It's not about beating ourselves up, it's not about being perfect, but just being super intentional, how are we trying to lead our life.

What is something that you can't share enough? Or you haven't had a chance to share before. So like, this is the one you'll scream from the rooftops like you just cannot say it enough. Or it's something like, you know, I don't feel like I've had a chance to talk about this enough.

Catherine Price: Well, one thing I feel like should be shouted from the rooftops right now is that social media is not appropriate or safe for kids.

They should not be on social media. They're legally not supposed to be on social media. And for so many reasons, like, please, please do not allow your children until they're at least 16 to be on social media, not just because of the kind of content. So another thing I think can't be said enough is that our social media feeds as adults are not the same as a kid's social media feeds.

We have no idea what they're seeing, and these algorithms are very good at spinning them into rabbit holes, which are often very self destructive and can lead to horrifying consequences. So there's the content issue, but a thing, a thing that is not talked about enough, either the predators that are on the internet, the internet, and how easy phones make it for these predators to find our children.

And so if you are worried about your children's safety in the real world, you should be even more concerned, way more concerned, about their safety in the online world. Just as one example when I give talks about this, I've been doing a lot of talks to schools recently and parent groups. There's a PSA from the New York FBI office about Roblox, which seems like an innocent, fine game, but it's about the sextortion schemes that are happening on Roblox, where predators will engage with kids using the chat feature, and we'll start to befriend them, and get to know them, and then eventually ask them to share a compromising photograph on a different platform, and then as soon as they do that, the extortionist will send a message saying that I will share that publicly with all of your friends and family unless either you send me more photos, or you pay me money.

So it can be financial extortion as well. It's terrifying. And it's led to, in the words of the FBI agent, a horrifying number of deaths by suicide for kids. I don't think parents are aware of this. And I recently gave a talk in Washington, DC, and a man came up to me at the end. And he said, you know, that thing you were saying about Roblox.

And I said, yeah. And I didn't know where he was going with this. If he was going to say it was overblown or what he said, no, I work in the prosecutor's office And he said, this is my day, every day, all day. It's worse than you could possibly imagine. And so I think that there are many things that we just don't recognize as parents when it comes to threats that our kids are encountering online.

And I cannot say this enough, that social media in particular is not safe for our kids. If your kid has access to any internet enabled device, you have to be consciously and frequently checking all the settings, talking to them about these risks, talking to them about what safe use looks like. It is truly unbelievable.

I just spoke to a woman two nights ago who's a pediatrician who was telling me a story about two brothers who are 8 and 10 years old who, were looking at graphic pornography on their mother's phone in the car with her while she thought that they were on Spotify. And they ended up acting out something related to this, I don't know the details, with another child or they somehow this translated to real life and a case had to be opened because there were now children involved in the situation.

Horrifying. But these kids were eight and ten years old in the car with their mom who thought that they were just looking at Spotify. So. I just really, parents, we need to be paying attention. I don't say that. I know that sounds like I'm fear mongering, but it actually just is reality. And and it's also just a huge waste of time.

Like even if nothing else, the average teen is spending five hours a day on social media and that is 70 days a year. Like the opportunity cost could not be higher. Well, it could be higher, but it's really, really high.

Lainie Rowell: It's already really, really high. Yeah. And I, I really worry about Even for myself, just this need for validation.

Like, I don't want that starting soon. I mean, it's already going to start in ways that I cannot control. So what are the ways? And I would just add, because I spent years working with our local police department and on internet safety, you know, back in the day, where I think the target was wrong about what the actual threat was to catch a predator.

That's actually pretty rare, at least according to the authorities. It was really just the things that you don't really think about. And so I would just say, when you're talking to your kids about Roblox, make sure that they know that you can help and that it's not about taking away the device.

Cause I think sometimes kids are afraid to share because they're worried it's going to mean I don't get the thing anymore. And so like really encouraging them to be open and then like, you're not going to get in trouble if something bad happens. Just tell me about it.

Catherine Price: I was just reading something about that yesterday. Yeah, very important of like, you know, teen girls who are getting preyed on, on like, Instagram where they have shared a compromising photo and all the, all this is happening, but they won't tell their parents either because they're being told that they shouldn't, you know, by the person who's doing this to them, or because as you're saying, they're worried the phone will be taken away.

So really having conversations both about how to stay safe. I mean, the, I don't think kids should have access to a lot of those things, honestly, but the steps you can take, like, if your kid's playing Roblox, you can turn off the multiplayer. The chat feature. They actually just rolled out some new features to protect kids.

Instagram, belatedly, put out new teen accounts, which are an improvement over the previous thing. I still do not think, you know, Instagram is a good platform for most people, but you know, there are some changes that are being made by these platforms, but a lot of loopholes remain, and I think kids need to be made aware of that, and then parents definitely need to educate themselves.

And again, I have a running list of resources on my website that I put together for these talks I've been giving. So it's just CatherinePrice. com and there's a resources tab and it has a whole lot of information on the kids and phone stuff in particular.

Lainie Rowell: That's perfect because you beat me to it because I was going to say, how can people connect with your work?

Catherine Price: Yes, so the best way for people to connect with me kind of depends on what you want But the place I hang out the most online is on Substack, which is a newsletter platform I have a newsletter called How to Feel Alive And if you look for that and Substack and my name you will find it.

I'd love to have you join us It's a place where I write you know, essays about my own life, but I also do practical suggestions for screen life balance, for spending less time on your phone, and having more fun. So the tagline for that is basically scroll less and live more. So please join me there and I'm going to be running a bunch of kind of interactive elements in the coming months.

And then, as I was mentioning, I have resources for parents who are particularly concerned about their kids, both on the sub stack, because I've got a section for kids and phones, but but also at CatherinePrice.com/resources. And I also have a number of courses in addition to my books and yeah, workbooks and things that you can find at  CatherinePrice.com too. Technically I'm on Instagram at _ CatherinePrice. So I do share tips there, but just know that I'm not going to be personally responding to anything on that because I hate Instagram.

Lainie Rowell: Well, and I appreciate that in your newsletter I do subscribe, and I feel like you're, you're very, like, forthcoming about, like, here's what's happening in my life, and you, you share these stories that kind of, like, Catherine's human, too, and, like, we all, we're all just doing our best, right?

Catherine Price: Yes, we are all just doing our best. That is, that is true.

Lainie Rowell: All right, well, Catherine, thank you so much for all of this wisdom, and I hope people check out all your books, especially How to Break Up with Your Phone, the new edition that's now out, and The Power of Fun.

Catherine Price: Thank you very much.

Lainie Rowell: And thank you all for listening.